(Customer comes in to buy some more mice because hers aren’t breeding.)
Customer: “How do you tell if the mice are male or female?”
Me: “Well, the easiest way to tell is the males have quite prominent testicles.”
Customer: “I didn’t know mice had testicles!”
Me: “That’s probably why your mice aren’t breeding.”
(A dad and his children are in my checkout line. I’m ringing up items for the family when I hear his children talking to each other.)
Eight-Year-Old Son: “Want to hear a joke?
Five-Year-Old Son: “Yeah!”
Eight-Year-Old Son: “Knock knock.”
Five-Year-Old Son: “Who’s there?”
Eight-Year-Old Son: “Merry!”
Five-Year-Old Son: “Merry who?”
Eight-Year-Old Son: “Merry, it’s almost Christmas!”
(I laugh.)
Dad: *looking at me and laughing too* “Yeah, I was wondering where he was going with that.”
(My car had recently been struck by another driver, and his insurance was paying for a rental car for me while my car was in the shop.)
Clerk: “Does your insurance cover rental cars?”
Me: “I’m not sure.”
Clerk: “It would probably say on your insurance card.”
Me: “It’s out in my car. I’ll run out and get it.”
(I walk out the door and stare at the parking lot full of rental cars for about five seconds, and turn around to head back inside. The clerk looks at me with an inquisitive expression as I enter.)
Me: “That was the dumbest thing I’ve ever done. Ever.”
Me: “Thank you for calling [Company]. How may I assist you?”
Caller: “Well, first of all, you can get a real-life person on the line.”
Me: “I’m sorry? Sir, I can assure you, I am an actual person.”
Caller: “No, no, no! Don’t play that crap with me. I know how advanced you machines are getting these days. You–”
Me: “Sir, I promise you, I am not a machine.”
Caller: “See! You couldn’t even tell the right place to start talking! That, and that pause before you responded is all I needed to hear to know for sure. Yeah, that’s right! I know how to read you things. What do you have to say to that, you worthless box of microchips?”
Me: *long pause* “Beep?”
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Customer: “I’d like to ask someone about my watches. It’s not working right. I think it’s broken.”
Me: “Oh. Yes, the second hand doesn’t seem to be moving much. The battery is probably dying.”
Customer: “But my husband bought this for me!”
Me: “Well, we don’t sell batteries here, but I–”
Customer: “He just bought it here!”
Me: “Do you see another one like it in the display?”
Customer: “No! But I’ve only been wearing it for a month or two!”
Me: “It does look like it’s the battery because the hands are still moving, just not moving on time. It would be unusual for our batteries to die that soon. Do you have the original receipt?
Customer: “Why would I have that? He bought it three or four years ago!
Me: “Oh. If he bought the watch three or four years ago, then it probably is the battery.”
Customer: “But I’ve only been wearing it for a month or two!”
Me: “If it was purchased several years ago, the battery has been running for several years.”
Customer: “But why would it run when I’m not wearing it?!”
