Me: “Thank you for calling [Company]. How may I assist you?”

Caller: “Well, first of all, you can get a real-life person on the line.”

Me: “I’m sorry? Sir, I can assure you, I am an actual person.”

Caller: “No, no, no! Don’t play that crap with me. I know how advanced you machines are getting these days. You–”

Me: “Sir, I promise you, I am not a machine.”

Caller: “See! You couldn’t even tell the right place to start talking! That, and that pause before you responded is all I needed to hear to know for sure. Yeah, that’s right! I know how to read you things. What do you have to say to that, you worthless box of microchips?”

Me: *long pause* “Beep?”

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Customer: “I’d like to ask someone about my watches. It’s not working right. I think it’s broken.”

Me: “Oh. Yes, the second hand doesn’t seem to be moving much. The battery is probably dying.”

Customer: “But my husband bought this for me!”

Me: “Well, we don’t sell batteries here, but I–”

Customer: “He just bought it here!”

Me: “Do you see another one like it in the display?”

Customer: “No! But I’ve only been wearing it for a month or two!”

Me: “It does look like it’s the battery because the hands are still moving, just not moving on time. It would be unusual for our batteries to die that soon. Do you have the original receipt?

Customer: “Why would I have that? He bought it three or four years ago!

Me: “Oh. If he bought the watch three or four years ago, then it probably is the battery.”

Customer: “But I’ve only been wearing it for a month or two!”

Me: “If it was purchased several years ago, the battery has been running for several years.”

Customer: “But why would it run when I’m not wearing it?!”

(I am ringing up an older customer’s order which includes several name-brand toothbrushes. They ring up at $3.50.)

Customer: “Those toothbrushes should be 99 cents and buy-one-get-one-free!”

Me: “That price was actually for the store brand ones that were located right under these. The sale tag is displayed right above the item.”

Customer: “Well, I don’t want them, then. They were for the homeless at my church, and they don’t need toothbrushes if they cost that much!”

(A couple approaches the counter.)

Me: “Can I help?”

Customer: “Yes, can you give me advice about his stool?”

Me: “I’m sorry, I can’t give medical advice. Perhaps you’d like to speak to our pharmacist, or consult your doctor?”

Customer: “No, I’m sure they’re very busy. I just want someone to tell me if it’s normal.”

Me: “The law says I can’t give advice. Let me get the pharmacist.”

Customer: “No, really, I have some here.” *whips out a clear bag of poo on the counter* “See, it’s all gritty. That’s not normal, is it? Do you have pills for that?”

Me: “Ma’am, you might want to take that to your doctor. We can’t accept biological waste.”

Customer: *to her husband* “See, Joe, I told you it was wrong. That’s why I save them.”

Customer: “I bought this heat gun a month and a half ago. I don’t have a receipt. I just want an exchange.”

Me: “You bought this a month and a half ago? About early June?”

Customer: “Yes. I just want an exchange.”

Me: *double checks computer* “Sir, we discontinued this almost a year ago. We sold our last one this past October.”

Customer: “Maybe it was a little longer than a month and a half…”

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