(I work at a shoe store that has an in door and an out door. I could fill up a couple pages of Not Always Right with stories of people coming in through the out door despite it not having a handle, but this one takes the cake. My manager and I are closing up for the night. We have locked the in door and turned our open sign off. We go to the back to put the money in the safe when we hear:)

Customer: “Hey, are you guys open?!”

(Something to keep in mind here is that the lights were turned off. Anyone with ANY common sense would think we were closed, so I respond with:)

Me: “Uh… no.”

Customer: “Oh. Your door is unlocked.”

Me: “Our out door is unlocked but our in door is locked.”

(The customer turned around and walked off. Seriously, how do you pry open a door with no handle and not realize that the dang store is CLOSED?!)

(An elderly customer comes up with her middle-aged daughter.)

Customer: “I want to exchange these for the ones on sale.”

(The items in question are three packs of toilet paper, on sale for $5 per, but not the $4 per in the ad. I ask my manager to grab them what they want because a line is forming and they said they couldn’t find the ad toilet paper. My manager slaps the packs up on the counter and runs to help check people out.)

Customer: “Oh, I don’t know about this. It’s so soft. There isn’t much to it.”

Customer’s Daughter: “Just do a refund and we will talk it over.”

(I refund the original toilet paper. They talk about both to the side while I ring up other people. Thirty minutes later, they walk up with three new packs of the original items.)

Customer: “I just don’t think there is anything to that other stuff, so I’ll get this.”

Customer’s Daughter: “You’re killing me, Mom.”

Me: *mentally* “You worked in retail once.”

(I am working for a large music festival doing gate security. I often have to deal with drunk or confused individuals, but this guy was my favorite.)

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but you can’t come in without a ticket.”

Drunk: “I am trying to find my car.”

Me: “Okay, sir, but the parking lot is in the other direction; this is the festival grounds.”

Drunk: “I know that. I parked my car over there—” *waves hand towards fairgrounds* “—I need to get through to get to my car.”

Me: *look over shoulder* “Sir, the other side of the grounds is Lake Michigan. Are you trying to tell me you parked in the lake?”

Drunk: “Yes. Can I come in now?”

(I’ve recently come out as a lesbian, and my religious parents are really cool about it. I’m hanging out with a female coworker and her husband, and I’m driving us to a local fair. Suddenly, a call comes in over my car’s Bluetooth option. I answer.)

Me: “Hey, Mom.”

Mom: “Hey, kiddo. Can you stop by later to let the dogs out? Your dad and I are going to your uncle’s house in a little bit.”

Coworker: “Ooh! What breed are they?”

Mom: “Is that a girl? Are you on a date?”

Me: “No, Mom. I’m hanging out with some friends and we’re going to the fair.”

Coworker: “Aww, baby. Haven’t you told your mom about us yet?”

Mom: “Well, at least you won’t give us grandchildren before you’re married. Use protection! STDs are an awful way to live.”

Me: “MOTHER!”

(My idiot friends were silently cracking up as I said my goodbyes and hung up.)

(I am telling a few of my coworkers that the customers do not listen to us until after they are done speaking. I tell them we could say the most ludicrous things, and they would not even bat an eye.)

Me: “I could tell them my name was Blue Potato, and it would not matter.”

Coworker: “No way! You can’t do that!”

(My phone rings just then, and I smile and look my coworker in the eye.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Location]. My name is Blue Potato. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Well, I need to—“ *call proceeds normally and I smirk at my coworker*

(After the call:)

Coworker: “I can’t believe you did that! That was a one-time thing, though.”

(To prove my point, I introduce myself as characters from various fandoms — everything from Star Trek, Firefly, and various cartoons. I’m having such fun with it that I start keeping a notebook page of it. No one, and I repeat no one is batting an eye at all the strange names. Not even Princess Leia or Princess Peach, even though I am a man with a fairly deep voice. I’m having fun with it and decide to do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Again, no reactions. I get another call, and with gusto, I introduce myself.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Location]. My name is Shredder. How can I help you today?”

(A very sweet-sounding, grandma-type voice responds.)

Customer: “Well, Shredder, I have a problem I was hoping you could help with.”

(I got a laugh out of it with my coworkers afterward, not only about how long I was able to keep going with the joke, but the fact that the one who did catch me was not caught off guard at all by my name. We nicknamed her “Cool Granny.”)