(I am asking if a customer would like to get our discount card. She agrees and then starts to fill out the information.)

Me: “What is your name, ma’am?”

Customer: “I don’t want any of my information in the BEAST!”

Me: “Pardon me?”

Customer: “The beast is a six-foot-wide computer in Berlin.”

(My coworker walks out of the break room to see what the commotion is about. The customer sees him and turns to address him.)

Customer: “Did you know IBM kept the registry for all of the Jews in the Holocaust?!”

(My coworker and I just stand there in silence and I continue ringing through the transaction.)

Customer: “Facebook is going to be the end of us!”

(She then pays and we think she’s leaving and everything is fine. Suddenly, as she is walking out of the store, she turns around and screams.)

Customer: “Canada is in GRAVE danger! To be forewarned is to be forearmed!”

(I am ringing up a customer when her seven-to-eight year old son notices the scratch-and-win tickets under the plexiglass counter.)

Child: “Ooooo! Mom! We can get some lottery!”

Customer: “No.”

(He looks longingly at all the bright tickets.)

Child: “Are you sure? I could win a lot of money.”

Customer: “No, not today.”

(The child starts to whine loudly and the customer is obviously getting ticked off at her kid.)

Me: “Oh, you don’t want those ones. I checked them earlier and they’re all losers.”

(The customer bursts into laughter. I can see the child’s face working to see if he’s going to believe me or not.)

Child: “Really? No winners?”

Me: “Yup, not a single one.”

Child: “Oh… I guess I don’t need one then.”

(He runs off to put the shopping cart away.)

Customer: “Thank you so much!”

This story is part of the Lottery roundup!

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Read the Lottery roundup!

Me: “Hello, this is ***** Healthcare line. What can I help you with?”

Caller: “Hi, I’m calling because my son just ate a bunch of ants.”

Me: “I’m sorry? Your son ate ants?”

Caller: “Yes! I was wondering if I need to take him to the hospital and see a doctor.”

Me: “Well, ma’am, I don’t think you need to worry. I don’t think the ants will make him sick, but I advise that he doesn’t eat any more of them.”

Caller: “Well, I gave him some ant killer to get rid of them.”

Caller’s Friend: “Get him to the emergency room, now!”

Me: “Hello, how can I help you?”

Customer: “Hi, I need my hard drive put back into my computer.”

Me: “Okay. Why did you take it out? Is it defective?”

Customer: “No, and I didn’t.”

Me: “Well, who did?”

Customer: “The police…”

(Students are required to show their student ID cards when borrowing a book. Two students walk up to the front desk.)

Student #1: “Hi, I’d like to borrow this book for my friend here.” *hands me their student ID card*

Me: “If your friend would like that book, then she needs to bring her own ID card and borrow it herself. I can’t let you borrow it for her in case she causes any damage or loses it.”

Student #1: “Oh. But she’s very responsible. She wouldn’t damage or lose it.”

(I turn to the second student.)

Me: “Where is your student ID card?”

Student #2: “I lost it.”

This story is part of our Ironic Customers roundup!

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