I work at a computer repair shop. We also fix cracked phone, tablet, and even e-reader screens.

This woman comes in with a e-reader that has a cracked screen. I take it out of the case to get the model number off the back, and I notice it’s got some crusty, nasty food stuck on the corner. The whole corner is covered in who knows what. I am disgusted, but little do I know, this is about to go to a whole other level of disgusting.

As soon as I get the model number and set the e-reader down to type it in to our computer, the lady picks up the e-reader, says, “Oh, I must have spilled something or other on it,” and licks it off! She then hands me back the e-reader, covered in food and her spit.

I nearly throw up right there!

(A lady comes in with an external hard drive.)

Customer: “I backed up some pictures to this, but deleted them to make room. I need to get those pictures.”

Me: “Okay, well, let’s see if we can recover them. Do you know what folder the pictures would have been in?”

Customer: “What folder would I have put them in?”

Me: “Um… Often people make a folder called ‘Pictures,’ but they could have been anywhere.”

Customer: “Well, can you just give me step-by-step instructions on where and how to find them, and then I can look?”

Me: “Well, no. I don’t know where they are. That is what I am trying to figure out.”

Customer: “Well, my son put them on there and then deleted them to make room.”

Me: “Do you know when he deleted them? That would really help.”

Customer: “I don’t remember. When would he have deleted them?”

Me: “I really couldn’t say.”

(The conversation just kept going in circles, so I eventually looked at every recoverable file before I found what I was looking for.)

(I work at a computer store in the repair section. I’ve just diagnosed a customer’s computer and called them to say what needs fixing.)

Me: “I found that the email program wasn’t loading due to a corrupt file caused by bad sectors on the drive. My recommendation is to replace the drive.”

Customer: “Can I have some time to think about it?”

(This is normal and usually means the customer is considering buying a new machine rather than repairing their old one. When they ring back:)

Me: “So, have you decided to go through with the repair?”

Customer: “My nephew just Googled the problem and it couldn’t be a faulty hard drive.”

(I was dumbstruck at this point. They were waiting for my response and I didn’t know what else to tell them. Apparently my answer, based on evidence and backed by 20 years experience, held less weight than an answer from a relative who spent five minutes on Google. I wanted to just tell them to fix it themselves, but then I would still have to charge the diagnosis fee. In the end, I did what any self-respecting worker would do: I handed the problem off to the other tech to deal with.)

(A customer brings in a Windows 8 computer to repair. It is full of adware and viruses. Additionally, the customer complains about to having to type a password every time she logs in, so I offer to do a factory reset and set her computer up with no passwords. A couple of days later, the customer comes back, very agitated.)

Me: “What happened?”

Customer: “You told me that you were removing all the passwords from my computer, and you lied to me.”

Me: “We did restore to factory default. Everything that was there is gone, and I was sure I set up your computer without a password.”

Customer: “Well, you didn’t remove all the passwords. I still have to put a password to get into [Website], and I don’t remember it.”

Me: “[Website] is online, and there is no way I can remove that password, ma’am.”

Customer: “But you said you would remove all the passwords!”

Me: “I am so sorry this happened to you; let’s see if we can recover your password. Can I have your email address?”

Customer: “Yes. It is [address].”

Me: “Let’s sign into it and resend your [Website] password there, so we can recover it.”

Customer: “But I don’t know my email password!”

Me: “Let me make you one, and a new [Website] account, and we will be sure to write this down for you.”

(The customer left happy, somehow. I was just glad she didn’t hit me!)

Customer: “Hey, can you guys help me out? My computer has stopped working and I need you to fix it.”

Tech #1: “We can certainly give it a try. What exactly is wrong with it?”

Customer: “It won’t turn on anymore, and when I try it starts smelling like smoke. I might have spilled some wine on it.”

Tech #1: “All right, we will get right to work on it. Come back later today. If it isn’t done by then, we will give you a time to pick it up later.”

(By this time, the lady leaves and [Tech #1] tells me to bring the computer into the back room. I offer to take a look at it, since I have nothing else to do. I open the case and get hit with a strong smell.)

Me: “Wow, she certainly spilled something. It’s definitely something I have smelled before.”

Tech #2: “You weren’t kidding. That smells really bad.”

Me: “And I get to work in it!”

Tech #1: “Tell us if you figure anything out.”

(After about two hours of working inside the computer, I need to leave for the day. The next day I come back, and the techs are laughing.)

Me: “What’s going on? What’s so funny?”

Tech #2: “You know that computer from yesterday that you were working inside?”

Me: “Yeah?”

Tech #2: “Well, the owner of it came back, and after we told her all of the issues we found inside, she told us that her dog actually peed inside of the case.”

Me: *realization* “And my hands were in there removing ram and stuff for a good chunk of the day!”

Tech #1: *starts laughing again* “Yep!”

Me: “If you guys will excuse me, I am going to go wash my hands for a good 20 to 30 minutes.”