I work in a small, one-man computer repair shop. I frequently get scam phone calls throughout the day, typically offering business loans and free cruises — the usual rubbish. One day, I get fed up with the scammers and decide to have a little fun.

I answer the phone in a thick Russian accent.

Me: “Hello! You are speaking to Ivan Yesnikov of Yesnikov Computers! How may I be of helping you today?”

Scammer: “Hi, I’m [Scammer] calling from the free cruise giveaway! You’ve won a free cruise!”

Me: “A ‘free cruise?’ Is of sounding good, but… how I win this cruise?”

Scammer: “Oh, you probably stayed at one of our many hotels over the past year and were entered into the contest.”

Me: “Ah, I am of understanding. But let me be of asking you something. What is name of company you calling from?”

Scammer: “This is the Five-Star Resort Company.”

Me: *Suddenly enraged* “‘Five-Star Resort Company’?! IS FRONT COMPANY FOR KGB!”

Scammer: *Exasperated* “Sir, we are not the KGB.”

Me: *Still enraged* “Is exactly what KGB would say! I know this name from when I in Siberia. I no let you send me back! Ludmila and I will be waiting for you!”

Scammer: *Click*

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Leave The Accents To Boris
Boris Need No Warranty; Boris IS Warranty!
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(While working on getting new full-time work, I take on a couple of extra part-time jobs so I lose money more slowly while I’m still under-employed. One of those jobs is working at a store that specializes in selling secondhand Apple devices. The store also does repairs and I am hired as a technician. At this point in my life, I’m in my thirties, I’ve already been working in IT in some form for ten years, I have a Bachelor’s degree in Computer Engineering, and I have many industry certifications including a full CCNP. I’m interviewing for $100K+ jobs, so fixing laptops and iPhones in the backroom of a shop is more than one step back for me, but the extra money is helpful.

The manager is the only full-time position; there are two part-timers besides myself. The manager is not the most reliable person and frequently doesn’t show up or leaves and doesn’t come back for the day. He also refuses to ever turn down a repair job, leaving me to struggle at tracking down replacement parts for ten-year-old or older laptops and hope they function correctly when I install them. I’ve told him that he should insist that those customers replace their computers, but he’d rather I just repair any computer he throws at me.

Eventually, my time there is coming to an end. I have several promising interviews and need the time to prepare for them, but I agree to remain on-call until I start my new job. My boss has put out an advertisement but is quite disappointed by all the applicants he has been receiving.

This takes place after a twenty-year-old college student comes by to discuss his application with the manager and me. The guy is in college and has a little part-time experience, but he also spends a lot of time tinkering with devices he gets his hands on. I think he’d be great for the position, but my manager seems to disagree.)

Me: “What’s wrong with that guy? He’s sharp and eager to please.”

Manager: “He’s got no professional experience, no certifications, and he’s still in college!”

Me: “Are you… Wait, are you trying to find someone with my qualifications?”

Manager: *shrugs* “Something close, at least.”

Me: “[Manager]… I took this job as a temporary gig to make ends meet before starting a new professional job. You’re not going to find another 33-year-old Cisco Certified Network Professional who wants to make $16 an hour fixing iPhones. This is a job for a young, technically-minded person who’s just starting out in the job market, and quite frankly, they’d be better at it than me. I have one bad hand on top of a coordination disorder. I’m not well suited for working with tiny phone and laptop components. These kids are going to be faster than me and less likely to break things. That’s one of the reasons I switched from end-user support to networking. Yeah, he might need to use Google more often than I do, but that guy would be a great long-term replacement for me.”

(The manager still did not seem too enthusiastic despite my plea, and my last day came shortly after. The manager and the owner’s nephew were left to do all repairs themselves, but they were only experienced in fixing MacBooks and iPhones, so their ability to fix PCs was hampered without a tech. I stayed on as on-call only, but they only ever had me come in once before I accepted a new position out of state. I came by six months later when I was visiting Maryland and stopped into my old store. The manager was MIA that day, but there were two employees including the young man we interviewed before I left. Either the manager took my advice or he realized he had no choice but to hire him. I chatted and got caught up with them. The manager had been becoming less reliable since I left and would take off work to run errands or to study for a class with increasing frequency. I frankly cannot understand why the owner still keeps him around.)

(I am working an average day at my computer repair job when a woman approaches the counter carrying her copy of the repair order. This isn’t unusual as it’s an easy way to confirm it’s their computer.)

Me: “Hello, my name is [My Name]. Are you here to pick up your—”

(She cuts me off by slamming the paper down on the counter.)

Customer: “Look at this and explain it to me!”

(I look it over; she is pointing at the information about the device.)

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, did we check in the device under the wrong model or serial number and were you shipped the wrong device?”

Customer: “No! Not that! This!”

(She is pointing at the description of the device; under it, my coworker who worked with her has written “dirty.”)

Me: “Well, ma’am, when a device comes in we have to note anything about its physical appearance, including damages, so we know if something was damaged or tampered with while in our possession.”

Customer: “You made it dirty! I see a lot of filth around here! You put scratches on it, too!”

(I continue calmly.)

Me: “Ma’am, your device is not here and is still at service. I apologize if it offended you, but [Coworker] was just doing his job.”

Customer: “It’s my mother’s! If you knew anything about my mother you would realize you could eat off her floor!”

(My manager is on his way because she demanded to see him, but she leaves before he gets there simply leaving a note that she demanded that she be called after everyone was staring.)

(A customer brings his expensive — $1000 — camera in for repair because he has cracked an aftermarket lens. This was not purchased with the camera and is not covered under his accidental damage warranty.)

Customer: “I need to get this camera replaced. Just give me the money and I will go buy something else.”

Me: “Sir, the lens that has been damaged was not the one that came with it. Therefore, it would not be covered under the damage protection plan.”

Customer: “I paid for the plan and was told that it would cover anything at all that happened to this f****** camera. You are going to give me my money right now or I am going to sue you.”

Me: “Sir. Do you have the original lens that came with the camera?”

Customer: “Yes, it’s in the bag but it’s not damaged. What’s it f****** matter? That’s not the one that’s damaged.”

Me: “If you had damaged that lens we could replace the camera and/or lens for you with no problem. But because you broke something you purchased somewhere else and didn’t purchase a plan, we can’t help you.”

Customer: “So, you’re saying if the camera itself was damaged it would get replaced?” 

Me: “Sure, your plan covers accidental damage. It would be covered. The other lens wouldn’t be, though.”

Customer: “F*** you, you ignorant a**hole!”

(The customer walks out front from the service desk and, in plain view of everyone, he grabs his camera by the strap and swings it onto the ground several times. He walks back into the store.)

Customer: “I seem to have had some accidental damage to my camera. I need to get it and the lens replaced.”

Me: “I just watched you smash that on the concrete. Your contract/warranty is now null and void and I am refusing service to you. Have a wonderful day.”

(The customer left the store swearing up a storm, threw the camera and bag against the front glass, and ran. Two days later, I received a notice from the home office that they had decided to help out the customer: he got his camera replaced as well as the third-party lens. Gotta love out-of-touch upper management!)

I have been an IT tech for fifteen years. I absolutely love it when people ask for a man.

I have an older man calling from the Bronx — I am Canadian. He is being a total a**, calling me “little lady” and such. He asks if he can speak to a man, and I tell him none are available. I then ask him if he wants me to lower my voice and strap one on to help him. He laughs for about ten minutes and is happy to let me help him after that.