(On this day, we are selling cups of tall coffee for a quarter to celebrate our 25th anniversary in Canada.)

Customer #1: “One short dark coffee.”

Me: “Oh, today is your lucky day! A tall coffee is a quarter, so let me get you a bigger cup of coffee for less money!”

Customer #1: “I want a short.”

Me: “Well, a short is 8 oz at $1.74 after tax, but a tall is 12 oz at $0.28 after tax—today only.”

Customer #1: “Don’t cheat me! I don’t want more coffee!”

Me: “But it costs less… maybe I could charge you for a tall and just fill it halfway?”

Customer #1: “Stop your trickery and give me what I want. You are trying to rip me off!”

Me: “Okay. One short coffee… that’s $1.74.”

Customer #1: “Thank you. Was that so freaking hard?!”

(The customer walks away, and the next customer approaches.)

Customer #2: “So, let me get this straight: I can get like four coffees for the price of a short?”

Me: “Yes.”

Customer #2: “Oh, that’s a great deal! I’ll get four!”

(Hearing this, [Customer #1] turns back to the counter, enraged.)

Customer #1: “You’re giving him FOUR?! You’re playing favorites, you b****!”

Me: *shocked*

Customer #2: “How much do you hate your job right now?”

(My coworker has just asked me to find out the status of a shipment. We’re both in our early 20s.)

Me: “The shipment is in Portland.”

Coworker: “You mean like Portland, Seattle?”

Me: “No, Portland, Oregon. Seattle is in Washington.”

Coworker: “So, it goes Washington, Oregon?”

Me: “Oregon is south of Washington, if that’s what you’re asking.”

Coworker: “South…” *pauses to think* “…you mean down?”

(I am overhearing a heated argument between a very rude customer and my manager.)

Customer: “This game isn’t working like it’s supposed to. I demand a full refund!”

Manager: “Once again, sir, the packaging’s already been opened. I’m afraid there’s not much I can do. If you had read the packaging before opening it, you would have known that this game would not be compatible with your system.”

Customer: “That’s a lie! You are lying to me! This game is d*** well compatible. This one is just defective!”

(I walk over to where my manager and the customer is. Much to my horror, I am met with a very unpleasant surprise: the customer is actually my boss at my second job.)

Customer: “Hey! [My Name]! Help me out here! This guy clearly doesn’t know what he’s talking about.”

Me: “Well, [Boss], why don’t you explain to me your side of the story, since I just joined in?”

Customer: “I tried to run this game on my girlfriend’s laptop and it won’t work. Now this guy over here is trying to tell me that it isn’t supposed to work!”

Me: “Um, well, he’s right. That game isn’t compatible with computers. This is an Xbox 360 game.”

Customer: “Aww, for Christ’s sake, not you too! My girlfriend’s laptop runs Windows. Windows is Microsoft. Xbox is also Microsoft.”

Me: “No, I’m afraid it doesn’t work that way. If it did, that would defeat the purpose of having two separate products.”

Customer: “Don’t give me that bulls***! I want my money back now!”

Me: “I’m sorry, but you really should’ve asked an employee before you bought that game, or at least read the back of the box. We can’t take back opened products.”

Customer: “You really gonna talk to me like that? Well, fine! You better start working here full-time now, because as of now, your a** is fired from MY shop!”

(My now ex-boss takes his game and angrily leaves the store. What does he do for a living? He’s the owner of a retail shop and his return policy is much more strict than ours.)

Customer: *rushes into the store* “I need a battery.”

Me: “Sure, what type of battery do you need?”

Customer: “It’s for my home alarm system. It’s not working because the battery is dead.”

Me: “Okay, do you know what size or type of battery it uses?”

(I show him the various sizes: AA, AAA, C, 9 Volt, etc.)

Customer: “I don’t know. These all look the same.”

Me: “Could you bring in the one that is not working and I will match it up with the correct one to ensure you purchase the correct one?”

Customer: “You mean, bring the dead battery here?”

Me: “Yes.”

Customer: “I can’t do that! It’s for my alarm system. If I take the battery out, it won’t work. The battery is dead, so my alarm is not working!” *leaves*

(A friend and I are out for lunch and have this exchange with our server.)

My Friend: “I’ll have the bacon cheeseburger.”

Server: “Would you like fries or salad with that?”

My Friend: “Fries, please.”

Server: “Salad, excellent.”

My Friend: “No, no… I’d like fries.”

Server: “Oh, okay! Anything to drink?”

My Friend: “I’ll have a Coke.”

Server: “Diet Coke, great.”

My Friend: “No… regular Coke is fine, thanks.”

Server: “Oh, right. Sure thing!”

(A different server brings over our meals. Despite what she said to the original server, my friend’s burger arrives incorrectly with a salad and a Diet Coke.)

My Friend: *staring at her meal* “Tell me the truth, do I need to lose weight?!”