(I’m the manager at a video rental store, and the owner happens to be there with me.)

Customer: “I’d like to open an account.”

Me: “Okay, to open a membership we need a California issued I.D and a major credit card.”

Customer: “Well, I don’t have one.”

Me: “Which one?”

Customer: “The credit card.”

Me: “Then I’m afraid we can’t open the account.”

Customer: “Oh, I talked to the manager last week. He said it was alright if I didn’t have a credit card.”

Me: “Oh really? I don’t recall telling anybody that last week.”

Customer: *nervously* “… then it was the owner who told me that.”

Me: “I don’t think he would say that.”

Customer: “Yeah he did. He said it was fine. Just make me the d*** membership! The owner said it was fine.”

Me: “Okay…” *I turn to the owner*

Me, to the owner: “Hey, did you tell anyone last week that they could make a new account without a credit card?”

Owner: “No, I never said that ever.”

Customer: *walks away with his head down*

(An older lady calls in to see if we will waive the late fee on her credit card. I see several previous refunds and decide not to refund unless it’s a bank error.)

Old Lady: “I’m afraid I forgot to send the payment. I just lost my husband, and it’s been such a stressful month for me.”

(I start to feel sorry for her and think maybe I can cut her a break. Then, I read the notes on the account more closely.)

Me: “Ma’am, what was your husband’s name?”

Old Lady: *sadly* “It was Leonard.”

Me: “Ma’am, I see that you faxed us Leonard’s death certificate two years ago, so you could remove his name from the account.”

Old Lady: *now indignant* “Well, it doesn’t get any easier!”

This story is part of the Even-More-Customers-Caught-Lying-themed roundup!

Read the next Even-More-Customers-Caught-Lying-themed story!

Read the Even-More-Customers-Caught-Lying-themed roundup!

(A customer comes in, spends thirty minutes browsing games, then proceeds to talk to me for another forty-five minutes about whatever. I hint several times for him to leave the store.)

Customer: “Puzzle games are hard… I enjoy Halo way more. Why do you think people want to play puzzles, anyway? And what’s with the word, anyway? Z’s suck.”

Me: “Just a second.”

(I decide to try something desperate: I go to the computer on the counter and look up “puzzle” on Wikipedia.)

Me: “A puzzle is a problem or enigma that challenges ingenuity. In a basic puzzle, one is intended to piece together objects in a logical way in order to come up with the desired shape, picture, or solution. Puzzles are–”

Customer: “Okay, I get it.”

Me: “–often contrived as a form of entertainment, but they can also stem from serious mathematical or logistical problems–”

Customer: “Please stop.”

Me: “–in such cases, their successful resolution can be a significant contribution to mathematical resear–”

Customer: “Stop it, you a**. I get it.”

Me: “–ch. Solutions to puzzles may require recognizing patterns and creating a particular order. People with a high inductive reasoning aptitude may be better at solving these–”

Customer: “STOP IT, F***! WHY DON’T YOU F****** STOP? WHY?!”

Me: “–puzzles than others. Puzzles based on the process of inquiry and discovery to complete may be solved faster by those wi–”

Customer: “FINE, I’LL BUY THIS SONIC GAME! SHUT THE F*** UP, JESUS CHRIST!”

(I scan the game, take his money, and wave him out.)

Me: “Thank you. Have a nice day.”

Customer: “F*** YOU!”

Puzzle on Wikipedia

This story is part of our Video Games Roundup! This is the last story in the roundup, but we have plenty of others you might enjoy!

23 Hilarious Stories That Only Pokémon Fans Will Understand

Read the next Video Games Roundup story!

Read the Video Games Roundup!

(It’s 3:30 am, and a hotel guest wanders into the back office that is clearly marked for staff only…)

Guest: “My phone isn’t working. I need to call someone… it’s really important.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir. You can’t be back here. Please go back into the lobby and I will reset your phone line.”

Guest: *points at a chair* “Can’t I sit here?”

Me: “No. Go back out into the lobby, right now.”

Guest: *sits down* “I came here with a girl and she left me. Now I need to call for another girl.”

Me: “I’m sorry, really, but you can’t sit here. You can’t be back here. Please, go back into the lobby.”

Guest: *gets up* “Sorry. I’m upset.”

Me: “Give me a minute and I’ll reset your phone line and then call your room to see if it goes through.”

(I reset his phone and call his room. He leaves, only to come back five minutes later.)

Guest: “It still isn’t working. I’m really unhappy. Do you know where I can get a prostitute?”

Me: “I’m sure if you walk outside on the street and go to the corner you can find one, but you can’t bring her back here.”

Guest: “That isn’t safe.”

Me: “I’m sorry… I can’t help you, sir.”

Guest: “Are you a prostitute?”

Me: “No!”

Guest: “I’ll pay you $160.”

Me: “Sir, I’m not a prostitute, and I’m going to call security.”

Guest: “No, you won’t. You’re a prostitute. How about $280? How much do men normally pay?”

Me: “Do I look like a prostitute? I’m a receptionist. I do paperwork and check people in. I don’t sleep with them.”

Guest: “All of the girls that I know who are receptionists at night are prostitutes.”

Me: “Well, I’m not. Can you please go back to your room?!”

Guest: “I’m from Miami.”

Me: “Good. Can you please go back to your room?”

Guest: “Fine. Tomorrow I’m going to complain about the service here!”

Me: “… because I won’t sleep with you for money?”

Guest: “Will you just come sleep with me? I just need thirty minutes.”

Me: “No.”

Guest: “I’m talking to the manager tomorrow.”

Me: “That’s fine, sir. Good luck…”

(He finally leaves, and I make a note of this encounter. I discover the next day that he was refunded $20 due to my poor service. I have no idea what he told the receptionist when he checked out, but she clearly didn’t read my note!)

(A customer with her toddler comes into the store while I’m working on another customer’s order.)

Customer: “I want to know if your peanut butter cookies have nuts in them.”

Me: “Yes, yes they do.”

Customer: “Oh, well my son is allergic to nuts. Do you have any that don’t have nuts?”

Me: “You could try the oatmeal raisin.”

Customer: “No, he doesn’t like raisins.” *picks up a different cookie*

Me: “Um, those are white chocolate macadamia nut, which also has nuts in them.”

Customer: “Well do you have anything that is nut-free here?!”

Me: “We have cakes with fruit in them, muffins, bagels, croissants, and scones. Would he like those?”

Customer: “You people don’t care about my child!” *storms out of the store, child in tow*

Me: *To coworker* “How is he still alive?”

Coworker: *shrugs*

This story is part of our Even More Dangerous Parent’s roundup!

Read the next Even More Dangerous Parent’s roundup story!

Read the Even More Dangerous Parent’s roundup!