(I was ringing up an old lady when another old lady in my line recognizes the first lady.)
Old Lady #1: “Oh, hey! I didn’t see you there!”
Old Lady #2: “That’s okay… I didn’t recognize you with clothes on!”
Me: “What?!”
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Customer: “I would like to get a portrait of my dog done.”
Me: “Okay, sure. I would love to do that for you.”
Customer: “Do you always do your portraits in black and white? Because I would like it in color.”
Me: “Sorry, no… I just work in pencil.”
Customer: “So you can’t do color?”
Me: “No, all my portraits are done in graphite pencil. I don’t paint or anything.”
Customer: “Aww. Well, I really wanted it in color, but, oh, well… I guess…”
(She then proceeded to hand me a picture of her pure white dog with a black nose.)
(A customer calls back to complain about an order of pizza that I, the manager, had made and she had just received.)
Me: “Hi, ma’am, how can I help you today?”
Customer: “I am legally blind and my mother is looking at my pizza and saying the pepperoni, sausage, and green pepper pizza is missing the sausage.”
Me: “So, your pizza is missing the sausage?”
Customer: “Mom, it’s missing sausage, right?”
Mother: “Well… no. It has plenty of sausage on it… but there is a slice with just pepperoni!”
Customer: “My mom says it has plenty of sausage on it, but there is a slice with just pepperoni.”
Me: “So, a slice has nothing but pepperoni on it?”
Customer: “Mom, a slice only has pepperoni, right?”
Mother: “Well… no, it is evenly spread out… but there are mushrooms on this pizza!”
Customer: “My mom says it is evenly spread out, but there are mushrooms on this pizza.”
Me: “So, there are mushrooms on the pizza?”
Customer: “Mom, there are mushrooms on that pizza, right?
Mother: “Well, no…”
Customer: *to me* “I’m sorry to have taken up your time…”
(We have a ridiculously long phone greeting, and sometimes we get into the habit of saying it in a way that it does become a little slurred together, but we’ve been getting it slowed down so customers can hear.)
Me: *says essay of a phone greet*
Man: *with loud booming voice, practically yelling*“FIRST OF ALL YOU NEED TO TALK SLOWER! I AM ON A CELLPHONE!”
Me: “… sorry?”
Man: “SECOND OF ALL, I NEED TO ORDER A LAMP!”
Me: “Sure thing, what kind and how many?”
Man: “HOLD ON, TALK TO MY DAUGHTER. SHE KNOWS EVERYTHING I WANT!”
(I hear him yell across in the same booming voice to get his daughter to order the lamp for him. They bicker for a minute before I hear her and get the order placed.)
(A very old lady, clearly hard of hearing and sight walks over to me.)
Customer: “Young man! You don’t have any Canola Harvest butter on the shelf!”
(I had stocked Canola Harvest margarine not twenty minutes earlier.)
Me: “Are you sure? I was certain we had–”
Customer: “You don’t have it. I already looked at your shelf.”
Me: “They changed the label on the tub last week. You probably don’t recognize–”
Customer: “I KNOW where it goes, young man. You don’t have it on the shelf!”
Me: “Let’s go check one more time.”
Customer: “You’re a buffoon, completely incapable! I need an adult… You should get me your manager!”
(We arrive. I pull a tub of Canola Harvest off the shelf and hold it to her.)
Me: “Here you go, ma’am. Canola Harvest.”
Customer: “That’s NOT Canola Harvest! It comes in a white container! Get me your manager!”
Me: *reading the tub* “Canola… Harvest. It’s a new label, is all.”
Customer: “Oh, I see. You must’ve changed the label on me again. *laughs* You should’ve told me it was a different color, young man!”
Me: *gun-finger-to-head*
