Tourist: “I saw a sign that said historic downtown, what’s down there?”

(To the best of my knowledge, no such sign exists so I’m already confused.)

Me: “Uh, a few churches and shops.”

Tourist: “Oh, how do I get to the lighthouse?”

Me: “You go through downtown.”

Tourist: “I don’t want to go through downtown!”

Me: “Sorry, but that’s how you get there.”

Tourist: “Is there another way to get there?”

Annoyed Coworker: “You could fly there on your broom!”

(The tourist looks shocked and storms out.)

(Working at a sandwich place across the street from my college campus. One of my Spanish professors enters, and we chat in Spanish as I make her food. Another man comes in while we’re chatting, and stares at us.)

Customer: “What the h***? Don’t you dare coddle that job-stealing Mexican!”

Me: “Sir, that woman is a Ph.D. I can guarantee you, she did not steal your job. Oh, and she’s from New York. Can I take your order?”

Customer: *storms out*

This story is part of our Confused-With-Spanish roundup!

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(I was working in warranties for a large computer manufacturer, mostly with businesses but a few individuals came through on the line here and there.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [store]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “My computer don’t work.”

Me: “I’m sorry to hear that, ma’am. Can I get the serial number off of your CPU?”

Customer: “My what?”

Me: “The computer tower.”

Customer: “Huh?”

(I’ll spare you the agony but, I went on for about three more minutes trying to describe the CPU and getting nowhere.)

Me: “I’m sorry, I don’t seem to be expressing myself well today. Can you describe to me all the computer parts on your desk? I’ll tell you which one the number I need is on.”

Customer: “It’s just a keyboard and a screen, like any other computer.”

Me: “Oh, you have a laptop!”

Customer: “A what?”

Me: “A little computer you can take with you. The keyboard and screen fold together with a hinge in the middle, right?”

Customer: “No, I don’t! I don’t know what is wrong with you computer people today. First, the sales guy tries to sell me a bunch of sh*t I don’t need in this big box package and now you don’t even know what a computer is! Brand new today and it don’t even work.”

Me: “So… you just bought a keyboard and a monitor?”

Customer: “What’d I need all the rest uh’ that sh*t in the box for? This was way cheaper! I ain’t stupid!”

Me: “…”

This story is part of our Even More Ironic Customers roundup!

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(I was a toll-free operator. If a caller asked for something and there was ANY difference in the listing from what was requested, we were required to notify the caller and get approval from the caller before providing the number.)

Caller: “I would like [insurance company] in Delaware.”

Me: “I have a listing for [insurance company,] but I have it listed out of New Hampshire. Would that be acceptable?”

Caller: “New Hampshire? Where the h*** is New Hampshire?”

Me: “It’s in New England.”

Caller: “New England?! I don’t want any New England! I need a number in the United States!”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry, then. I don’t have any listed.”

This story is part of our 3rd Terrible At Geography roundup!

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(I work at a library where people can come in to use the computer if they need to.)

Lady: “Excuse me. Could you help me? I’m having trouble with the computer.”

Me: “Sure, what’s the problem?”

Lady: “I can’t log on. It’s not taking my card.”

Me: “Huh, that’s weird. My computer says everything is okay. Let me go check.”

Lady: “I don’t know why it never works for me. The first time it came in it worked but every time after that it hasn’t! You guys always have problems with your computers. You should get that fixed as soon as possible!”

Me: “Alright then, let me see what you’re doing. Where’s your card?”

Lady: “It’s in the computer!”

Me: “What do you mean it’s in the computer?”

Lady: “There, in the computer! I put it in but it won’t log me on!” *points to the computer*

(I see it sticking out of where it obviously does NOT belong and take it out.)

Me: “No. That’s not how you log on. You see the numbers on the back of the card? Enter that into the computer, then your pin, and click log on.”

Lady: *looks at me confused* “Did you guys change this because that’s how it worked for me last time!”

Me: “No, that’s how it has always been. In fact, if you had looked at the screen, you would have seen that it tells you exactly what to do.”

Lady: “Don’t take that tone with me, young lady! Just log me on!”

(I logged her on to the computer, but since she was a b**ch to me, I kicked her off early.)

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