(I am alone at the insurance company.)

Agent: “We have a plan if you miss work due to accident or illness.” *gives details* “Would you like the plan for just yourself or for your wife, too?”

Me: “My wife would like the plan.”

Agent: “Okay. We need details on both your work. This is just for accident or illness.”

Me: “Your plan doesn’t cover my work so it’s just my wife.”

Agent: “You don’t work?”

Me: “Just babysitting for family, friends, and neighbors. You don’t cover that.”

Agent: “Yes, we don’t. So what job do you need covered?”

Me: “Junior architect at [Company].”

(Fast forward until the contract.)

Agent: “Your wife actually needs to sign the contract herself.”

Me: “Not a problem, she can come in later.”

Agent: “This one is yours, though. Check over it carefully and sign when ready.”

(A minute passes.)

Me: “Hey. Why is my wife’s work plan under my name?”

Agent: “You’re not the architect?”

Me: “No. My wife is the architect. I gave you all this information.”

Agent: “And she babysits, too?”

Me: “No. I babysit!”

(The agent was very confused but eventually adjusted the plans properly.)

This story is part of our International Women’s Day roundup!

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(I go out for a jog, after not having exercised in a while, so I’m happy that I get my heart rate up. I go home and let my husband know that I exercised. He proceeds to try to find my pulse to determine how fast my heart is going. He has no luck finding my pulse on my wrist. I find it on my throat, and guide his fingers to find it. He still can’t find it, so he tries my wrist again. I tell him he will have more luck using my neck and try to help him find it again. No luck. Our conclusion?)

Me: “I guess I’m dead.”

Husband: “You’re just heartless.”

(My oldest sister and I are visiting our youngest sister for several days. Youngest sister has a family of five and no guest room, so she puts us on a sofa-bed in the living room. One of my nephews wakes up just before dawn and for some reason comes downstairs and tries to crawl in with us. At home I am used to having to defend my part of the bed from two German shepherds, and I evidently boot him out without actually waking up. He isn’t hurt but I get an earful from my sisters in the morning. We are all in the car, running some last minute errands before I leave to return home, when this conversation took place.)

Nephew: “Is Aunt [My Name] going home?”

Youngest Sister: “Yes, honey. She’s leaving right after we go see Grandpa.”

Nephew: “Is Aunt [Oldest Sister] going home?”

Oldest Sister: “No, I get to stay at your house for two more nights. You can come downstairs in the morning and cuddle with me all you want.” *with a significant glance in my direction*

Nephew: “Is Mamma going to sleep on the sofa bed with you?”

Oldest Sister: “No, Mamma is going to sleep upstairs in her own bed.”

Nephew: “Is Daddy going to sleep on the sofa bed with you?”

Youngest Sister: “Not if he knows what’s good for him.”

(I have a guy friend who sits next to me in one of my classes. He jokingly steals pencils and erasers off my desk when I’m focused on something else. He does it so often that I’ve begun to reflexively grab his arm before he takes something.)

Friend: *reaches out*

Me: *grabs arm* “What’d you steal this time?”

Friend: *pulls his arm out of my grasp, takes my hand, and kisses it* “Your heart, milady.”

Me: “Nice try. Now give me back that eraser. I know it’s under your desk.”

Friend: “F***!”

(He’s still one of my best friends.)

(I take calls for a popular clothing line. The clothing line is popular but cheap and offers many discounts. Around the holidays they offer a free gift with purchase.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Store]. My name is [My Name]. How may I help you?”

Customer: “I placed an order and qualified to receive the free gift, but I didn’t get it. It’s not on my order.”

Me: “I’m really sorry to hear that. Let me pull up your order and take a look at what’s going on.”

(I pull up the customer’s order and notice they placed an order after the “while supplies last, free gift with purchase” went out of stock.)

Me: “It looks like you placed the order at nine pm. We went out of stock at five pm. I’m sorry, but unfortunately we were out of stock when you placed the order.”

Customer: “I want my free gift. If you advertise a free gift, I should get it.”

Me: “I understand your frustration. Unfortunately, it was ‘while supplies last’ and we ran out before you placed your order.”

Customer: “Well, then, I want to be refunded for it. It isn’t fair that I’m not getting it.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but I am unable to refund for a free gift.”

Customer: “No, I paid the amount to receive it. I should be refunded for the price of the item.”

Me: “…”

(I don’t know why people think that they are entitled to things and I don’t know how they expect to be credited back for something that was free. “Yeah, sure, I’ll refund you 0.00 dollars.”)