I’m working at a gas station on an overnight shift, and an old lady comes in.

Customer: “Where are the movie screens?”

Me: “Movie screens?”

Customer: “This is a movie theater, ain’t it?”

Me: “No, it’s a gas station.”

She looks confused. She then proceeds to nonchalantly just… s*** her pants right there in front of us. As she does this, the night manager comes out from the back.

Manager: “The f***?! You again! Get the f*** out of there!”

She hurls some abuse but exits the store, leaving a brown trail behind her.

Me: “What was that?!”

Manager: *Fetching some cleaning supplies* “Well… heroin is one h*** of a drug…”

Related:
Welcome To Retail, Part 8
Welcome To Retail, Part 7
Welcome To Retail, Part 6
Welcome To Retail, Part 5
Welcome To Retail, Part 4

A customer comes in with his son.

Customer: “I need a baseball kit for my son.”

I show him the relevant section.

Me: “We have an extensive range here, sir.”

He stares at me expectantly.

Me: “Do you need further assistance?”

Customer: “Well, yes! I don’t know what he needs.”

Son: “Dad, I—”

Customer: “Not now, son. Adults are talking. Now, what will he need?.”

Me: “Well, he’ll need the gloves and recommended shoes, I would think. What hand does he pitch?”

Customer: “I don’t know.”

Son: “I pitch right, but Dad, I—”

Customer: “He pitches right.

I talk to the son directly, as he seems to want to say something.

Me: “And what size shoe are you?”

Customer: “Excuse me, I’m standing right here. Talk to the adult, please. Just measure him for the shoes.”

Me: “And if he needs the whole outfit, it’ll be easier to know his age.”

The father stares a little and then looks at his son, who looks like he’s given up.

Son: “Seven.”

Customer: “He’s seven.”

Son: “And he’s also playing softball, not baseball.”

Customer: “What? Why didn’t you say something?”

Son: “But Dad… adults were talking.” 

I liked the sass of that kid. I got him kitted out with the correct equipment, and Dad was sheepishly quiet for the rest of the transaction.

I work for an energy start-up that does consultancy for utility companies. We get customer calls periodically.

Caller: “I want to sue your power company!”

Me: “Okay, can you tell me what happened?”

Caller: “My air conditioning broke down! I’m in Oklahoma! It’s a hundred degrees out here!”

I look up her account.

Me: “Ma’am, I can see that you’ve never once had it serviced.”

Caller: “I don’t have time for that!”

Me: “And you’ve turned down our phone calls since it was installed. We would have scheduled some servicing if you’d taken those calls.”

Caller: “Look! No one told me I need to have it checked up!”

Me: “Because you didn’t take the calls. We also sent you an email recommending it be serviced before the summer heat.”

Caller: “You should do more than just email!”

Me: “We do. We call. Next time, pick up. Now, would you like me to schedule a technician, or do you still plan to sue us?”

She went with the technician.

My mom is a piano teacher and is shopping in a music store. A kid (maybe around ten years old or so) comes in and walks up to the clerk.

Kid: “I want to learn an instrument! I love music!”

Clerk: “That’s great! What kind of instrument?”

Kid: “I like the ukulele.”

The clerk shows him some where the entry level is about $65. The kid runs back outside to his mom waiting in the car, then comes back in and asks:

Kid: “What is the cheapest musical instrument you have?”

The clerk starts showing him a $3 kazoo.

Overhearing this makes my mom sad, so she goes over and asks the kid:

Mom: “Do you really want a ukulele?”

The kid nods.

Mom: “Will you promise to practice and learn it?”

The kid nods more enthusiastically.

My mom hooked him up with the instrument, a beginner book, picks, etc. When she left the store the kid and his mom both waited to give her a hug.

A customer was looking at a Pioneer Elite Plasma TV. At the time — so long ago! — they were $4,999. It was a big, bad-a** TV for its day

Customer: “I’m interested in this TV, but it’s very expensive.”

Me: “I understand, but it is state-of-the-art with—”

Customer: “I don’t care about any of that. I know you work on commission, so I want you to know that I’ll only buy it if it comes in a woodgrain finish that will match my credenza.”

Me: “I’m afraid it only comes in the color you see here.”

Customer: “I just don’t understand why all electronics are black or grey these days. Anyway, you just lost a sale.”

She left the store — hopefully, to enjoy her credenza.