(I’m a server at a counter-service style restaurant. We also do takeout orders and customers can order over the phone. One day, the phone rings and I answer it.)

Me: “Hi, this is [Restaurant].”

Caller: “Do you have non-nutritional water?”

Me: *confused* “I’m sorry, sir, can you please repeat that?”

Caller: “NON-NUTRITIONAL WATER!”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, I’m not sure what that is. We have bottled [Brand #1] and [Brand #2] water, and we also have water in the soda fountain.”

Caller: “Well, that’s no help!” *hangs up phone*

(I used to work as a front desk/secretary/whatever the h*** the owners thought they needed for a furniture store. Hindsight being what it is, I brought a lot of the issues on myself because I didn’t fight hard enough at the beginning, but still…)

Manager: “I need you to come in tomorrow for a few hours because I have to take my daughter to the dentist.”

(I normally have Tuesday and Wednesday off, but she is asking me to come in on Tuesday.)

Me: “Sure. But since you’re going to be so long, can I just work all day and then take the next Wednesday and Thursday off, instead?”

(Timing-wise, between appointments and travel to and from the office, getting her daughter back to school and then getting to the store, the day is going to be like two-thirds done.)

Manager: “That should be fine.”

(On the day of the dentist appointment, the manager shows up and the day is actually like 80% over.)

Manager: “Oh, by the way, I need you in on Thursday because I won’t be here.”

Me: *stunned silence*

(I work at a local Mongolian grill chain that is fairly popular. A man comes in with his wife, enjoys his dinner, and then comes up to pay.)

Man: “Hi, I have this coupon.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, this coupon has expired.”

Man: “You’re cheap.”

Me: “Excuse me?”

(The man then hands me his card. I run it like usual. All the while he is staring at me in the eyes.) 

Man: “You’re cheap! You should honor this!”

Me: “I am sorry, sir, but if I did, I would get in troub—”

(He interrupts me.)

Man: “CHEAP!”

Me: “I don’t make the rules, sir.”

(He walks away, still glaring at me, yelling.)

Man: “YOU’RE CHEAP!”

(I couldn’t help but chuckle a bit. If using the coupon was that important, you’d think he’d have read the expiration date before trying to use it.)

My four-year-old daughter needs her vaccinations finished so she can be registered for kindergarten in the coming fall. I tell her on Monday afternoon that Tuesday morning we will go to the doctor’s office to get those done. 

Daughter: “What are vaccinations?”

Me: “They’re shots.”

Daughter: “I’m going to get shot?!”

(I am male and work at a small music store. As well as music, we sell instruments, including upright pianos. A middle-aged, balding customer enters and makes a beeline for the uprights.)

Customer: “God d*** it, I’m so f****** good at the piano! You just sit your d*** a** down and listen to me play!”

(He begins to play Beethoven’s Sonata Op. 10 No. 1, which is an impressive piece, although I wouldn’t be surprised if an eighteen-year-old could play it. The man appears to be drunk, so I say nothing about his talent and listen to the piece as he requested.)

Customer: “I’m so f****** good at the piano that you should give me this piano for free to show your appreciation for my motherf****** amazing talent!”

Me: “Sorry, sir, I can’t do that.”

Customer: “Why the f*** not?”

Me: “Well, sir, because this piano costs a lot of money, and I can’t just give it away for free. Also, if you keep using that kind of language, I’ll have to remove you from the store.”

Customer: “What the f***, you…”

(As the customer rants at me for not giving him the upright for free, a gorgeous young girl who looks about fifteen approaches.)

Girl: “Sorry, I think I can solve this situation. If I can sight-read this piece better than you just played it, you don’t get the piano for free. Deal?”

(The customer grumbles a bit but eventually agrees. The girl sits down and plays the piece with much more expertise and fewer mistakes than the customer did, even adding in little comments like, “In this part, you’ve got to be as sassy as humanly possible,” and, “I’d use pedal here, but not where the sequence repeats, just to shake it up a bit.”

The customer gripes and groans but finally leaves the store. I tell my manager and he gives her half off her entire purchase. As she is leaving, she drops this bomb.)

Girl: “I’m glad he fell for it. I wasn’t really sight-reading. I haven’t played the piece since I was nine, though, so I guess it counts!”