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Time To Cor-go And Sleep On The Couch

, , , , , | Romantic | February 6, 2021

I’m eight months pregnant and have noticed throughout my pregnancy that my two dogs and my boyfriend have gotten progressively needier.

I was already in bed sleeping with the dogs when my boyfriend tried to sneak in without waking me up. Unfortunately for him, he had to move one of the dogs to make room to snuggle with me. And when he moved that dog, the other would just swoop in and take their place. This just kept going in a cycle and ended up waking me.

I got the luxury of seeing my boyfriend be outsmarted by two corgis until he just gave up, angrily whispering, “What the actual f***?”

Coupons Of The Mind

, , , , | Right | February 6, 2021

I am cashing people out at the first window of our drive-thru. A car comes up to the window.

Me: “Hi, I have a large fry?”

The customer shows me an online coupon to scan.

Customer: “Yeah.”

I scan the coupon and notice that it says the order does not meet the conditions.

Me: “I’m sorry, but it says the order does not meet the conditions. What was the coupon for?”

Customer In Back Seat: “It was for a free drink with a three-dollar purchase.”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry, but you didn’t get a drink with your order.”

Customer In Back Seat: “I didn’t think we needed to!”

Because if I scan your coupon it automatically puts in the size and type of drink you want. Right.

Toddlers And Feral Cats: A Perfect Pair

, , , , , | Related | February 6, 2021

My first apartment complex had a number of feral cats that would roam the outskirts of the complex since some of the homeowners put out food for them. I was very bored at the time, as I’d just moved to this new area and didn’t know anyone yet, so out of curiosity, I took out some meat one evening to see if a feral cat would come to me to eat.

One little kitten “volunteered” himself by running up to me when he saw me try to feed the other cats, which was already far more outgoing than any of the other ferals.  

He was cautious at first, fleeing from me after taking his meat as the others did. After a number of feedings, I eventually got him to come to me to take the meat out of my hand. Some feedings after that, he would tolerate my right hand briefly touching his head when he grabbed the food out of my left hand. Some feedings after that, he would accept a single stroke of his head to get food. And finally, after a long-fought war, he would willingly allow me to pet him after I finished feeding him.

Eventually, my complex put out cages to catch all the cats, and when my favorite cat was caught, I went to the local shelter and adopted him officially. It took him a few days to get used to being in a house, but he came out of his shell and became a very affectionate cat who loved to be pet. Every night when I got up to go to bed, he would race to my bedroom and take up a spot on the pillows above my head and spend all night curled up with me.

A little while later, I offered to allow some friends to stay at my apartment for the night to save on hotel costs. I warned them that my cat was technically a feral cat, having spent his kittenhood outside with only my intermittent brief visits to feed him for human interaction. Even though he had come to trust me, since I fed him as a kitten, I didn’t know how he would be around other humans. I told them if he was a problem I would lock him in the laundry room for the evening.

When they arrived, their toddler was fascinated by my cat and chased the poor feline all over my small apartment trying to hold him. She was too young to know how to handle cats and so was always trying to pull the poor cat’s tail or pick him up awkwardly. Originally, I was afraid he might lash out at her, but he tolerated her admirably, never once hissing or growling at her no matter what she did.

However, most shocking of all was that, as soon as they managed to get the toddler to go to sleep, my cat went over to her bed and curled up above her head for the night. That was the only night he didn’t sleep with me, having assigned himself to watching over the toddler that had tormented him all evening, instead.

After that, it was clear, despite having grown up outside, that he was always meant to be with people. I’m quite thankful for my random decision to relieve my boredom by seeing whether I could tame a “feral” cat.


This story is part of our Best Of February 2021 roundup!

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Just Wait For The Reunion, Buddy

, , , , | Friendly | February 6, 2021

A friend calls me one day to say he has someone who wants to talk to me. He puts this other guy on the phone.

Me: “Um… hello?”

Guy: “Hey, this is [My Name], right?”

Me: “Who is this?”

Guy: “I’m [Guy].”

Me: *Still confused* “Okay…”

Guy: “We went to high school together.”

Me: “Oh. Okay. Uh, when did you graduate?”

Guy: “2003. You were a couple of years behind me.”

Me: “Yeah, I guess.”

Guy: “Don’t you remember me?”

Me: “I don’t; I’m sorry.”

Guy: “I was on the football team.”

Me: “Yeah, I didn’t really—”

Guy: “You were in the band, right?”

I’m getting pretty uncomfortable.

Me: “Um, was there something I could do for you?”

Guy: *Crestfallen* “You don’t remember me? I was friends with your neighbor, [Neighbor]. We used to go hunting together.”

Me: “Yeah, I don’t hunt. I don’t know who you are, so if that’s all you wanted—”

Guy: “You’re a f****** liar. You were a weirdo and nobody liked you.”

Me: “Well, I have no idea who you are, but apparently, you know all this stuff about me. Who’s the real weirdo here?”

He hung up. I called my friend later and told him to never give that guy my contact info. My friend apologized, saying he thought I knew him since he knew so much about me. I looked through my old yearbooks to see this superstar football guy. I still have no idea who he is.

Rental Mental

, , , , , | Right | February 6, 2021

During college, I work for a once-popular video rental store. There are coupons going around online for a free video rental. Usually, there is no problem with this, but one day, an older couple comes into our store to rent a movie.

Me: “Hello! I see you’ve found a movie. Do you have an account with us?”

Male Customer: “No, we don’t. We have a coupon for a free movie! We want to use it.”

He hands me the printed-out coupon.

Me: “Sure thing! We just need an account so you can rent that—”

Female Customer: “What? We aren’t renting it! We have a coupon for a free movie!

Me: *Confused* “But you are still renting it. You are taking a DVD that belongs to this store home. We need to make you an account if you don’t have one so that I can rent the movie to you.”

Male Customer:No! You don’t understand! We aren’t renting anything! We are taking this movie home, and no! I will not create an account with your stupid store!”

Me: “You have to return it, though. We need your phone number and name so we know who has the DVD.”

Male Customer: *Getting angry*No! This is a free movie coupon. Free! We will take it home and return it if we want to!”

Me: “No. That’s not how this works. You are still renting the DVD. We, the company, own that DVD. You are basically borrowing it for a period of time that the company sets, coupon or no. Now. I would gladly make you an account, but if you don’t want to make one, then I cannot let you take the movie with you. I’m sorry.”

Female Customer: “Well, I never!

They stormed out, giving me the stink eye the entire time.