(It is after closing time and we are clearing up the restaurant when my boss calls me over.)
Boss: [My Name], could you do me a favour?”
Me: “Sure.”
Boss: “Could you lock me in the van?”
Me: “What?!”
Boss: “I need you to lock me in the van.”
Me: “Why?”
(Turns out he wanted to test if the light went off when the van was locked, but what a way to phrase that!)
(I work in the clothing and accessories department of a big department store. A lady comes up to me with a pair of shoes.)
Customer: “Excuse me, these shoes are my size; however, one is slightly too big.”
Me: “Oh, no, can I take them for a moment and find you another pair in the same size from the stockroom, as it could be that these are defective.”
(The customer hands me the shoes for me to go and find her another pair. I take the new pair to her and she tries them on, but she still has the same issue. I then suggest she tries a different style, just to be sure of whether it’s the shoes or her feet. After trying a different style with same issue, we come to the conclusion that it’s her feet.)
Customer: “As only one fits, could I get a discount?”
Me: “Unfortunately not, because the shoes themselves are not defective.”
Customer: “But they don’t fit me!”
Me: “May I suggest some of those little stick-on heel cushions that will make the shoe a bit smaller, so that it’ll fit better?”
Customer: “Do you sell those here?”
Me: “Yes, they’re in the health and beauty department.”
Customer: “Could I get those free instead of the discount, then?”
Me: “No, because I can’t give away products for free.”
Customer: “Why not?”
Me: “Because it’s not our fault you have different-sized feet.”
Customer: “That is disability discrimination. Get me a manager.”
(A customer in a wheelchair who only has one leg has been behind her the entire time, also looking at the shoes.)
Customer #2: “I pay full-price for a pair of shoes and I can only wear one. Maybe I’ll throw my spare one at you for thinking your nasty weird feet are an actual disability.”
(The lady throws down the shoes she wants and quickly leaves.)
Customer #2: “I should have gotten her number and put her in touch with my doctor to get her weird foot amputated, and we could have shared the cost on a pair of shoes!”
(I work in a benefits office. There are two customers behind the one I am helping.)
Customer #2: *to Customer #3* “Did I tell you I got a new job?”
Customer #3: “Aren’t you here for unemployment benefits?”
Customer #2: “Yeah!”
([Customer #1] looks at me in horror as [Customer #2] continues to boast about his job. I smile at her.)
Me: “Don’t worry; it will be taken care of. Next?”
Customer #2: “I want my unemployment benefits.”
Me: “No, sir. I just heard you talking quite loudly about your new job, as did a room full of witnesses. We also have security cameras. Are you going to leave or am I going to call the police?”
Customer #2: “Listen here, you little b****. You’re just a useless woman who doesn’t understand business. Give me my benefits or I’ll smash your head in.”
(He is clearly drunk. My manager steps in at this stage, a bulk of muscle.)
Manager: “I’m very sorry, sir. If you’d like to step into this side room for me? We can sort out your benefits. Do you have your forms?”
(He winks at me as they leave. I continue to help customers until two police officers step through the door. They head into the staff room to review security footage and then enter the side room, leaving with the man in handcuffs, who is screaming.)
Policeman #1: “…benefit fraud, aggravated assault, and disturbing the peace.”
(The man sees me and the manager, who comes to stand beside me.)
Manager: “You are no longer welcome on these premises. Next time you assault my fiancée or any of my staff you’ll be in hospital before the police get here.”
Me: “By the way, I’m a newly-graduated business major working here before I start my new job. Have fun in custody!”
(We heard later that he was to face a judge soon, and never heard anything else, but we never saw him again. I started my new job a month later, and am a lot happier. My fiancé and I are married now, and he told the story at our wedding!)
(I work in a sales office, selling industrial hose and fittings. If a customer doesn’t know exactly what they are looking for, we are required to ask certain questions to determine the specification. Due to the nature of the product, the company could get into a lot of trouble if we sell something that is not up to the job. I receive an email enquiry from a customer with a picture attached, showing an enormous engine with a bit of hose clamped on to it, but no specifications. The following exchange occurs via email.)
Customer: “Can you source the textured pipe on this photo that goes over the gearbox?”
Me: “Could you please provide more information on the required hose?
Customer: “It’s in the picture.”
Me: “Unfortunately, we need the hose specification in order to select the best hose for the application. Without the information requested, we cannot make an offer.”
Customer: “With the greatest of respect, if I knew that, I wouldn’t need to email my hose supplier! No worries; I’ll look elsewhere.”
(I certainly wish that customer luck in finding a supplier willing to sell him a hose with no specification!)
(To reduce strain on my back, I often kneel down while reshelving books on the lowest shelves in the library. Whilst I am doing so, a woman — who must be in her 60s or 70s — has been browsing the fiction section, and she walks past me.)
Elderly Woman: “The best place to be is on your knees.”
(I don’t know if it was a poor choice of words, or if she’d actually intended it for it to sound like it sounded, but either way I was left at a loss for words at her remark; my colleagues, on the other hand, had a good laugh.)
