(A furious woman has called in claiming we are overcharging her on her credit card statement. She is screaming and cursing down the phone at me but has started to run out of steam.)

Me: “On the current statement it shows that last month your total was £390. Is that correct?”

Caller: “Yes.”

Me: “And it shows that you paid the full amount of £390. Is that correct?”

Caller: “Yes.”

Me: “And then it shows that you made purchases this month to the value of £276. Is that correct?”

Caller: “Yes.”

Me: “Okay, and it’s showing that the total owing this month is £276, so you have not been overcharged.”

Caller: “Are you f****** stupid or something? That’s too much! You’re overcharging me! Idiot.”

Me: “Okay, let’s break this down. You spent £52 in [Shop #1], then £137 in [Shop #2], £40 in [Shop #3] and £47 in [Shop #4]. Is that correct?”

Caller: “Yes, I’m not an idiot. I know where I f****** used my card and I only used it four times.”

Me: “£52 + £137 + £40 + £47 is £276, which is exactly what’s owing on your statement.”

Caller: “It’s not f****** right! How stupid can you be to not see that?”

Me: “Do you have a calculator there? Can you add up the four transactions yourself?”

Caller: “That’s your job. I’m not doing your f****** job for you.”

Me: “Okay, but you agree that you paid your statement in full last month. You also agree that the four transactions on this statement and the amounts are right, but when I add them together you are insistent that the total is wrong. Maybe it would help if you added them up yourself?”

Caller: “I’ve already done that and I’m telling you it’s wrong! How can you work for a bank and not be able to do basic f****** maths?”

Me: “With all due respect, I’m not the one struggling with the maths here. I cannot help you further, so I will be terminating this call. I suggest you visit your nearest branch and have someone talk you through your statement as I can’t make this any simpler for you.”

(Our returns policy is pretty relaxed, giving customers 100 days to return clothing if they change their mind. However, this is only with a receipt. We have sales on most of our clothing items every four weeks, so if a customer purchases an item of clothing the week before the sale, loses the receipt, and then tries to return it after the sale has begun, we can only give them store credit for whatever the item rings up on the till as. Sometimes this can be as much as 50% of the original price. Most customers accept that it’s their fault for losing the receipt, but some get very annoyed.)

Customer: “Hi. I bought this dress, but when I went to put it on it had a small hole at the top. I don’t have the receipt, though, as I only tried it on last week.”

Me: “Oh, okay. Would you like an exchange or refund?”

Customer: “A refund, please, as I’ve already bought a similar dress that fits me.”

(I process the refund to find that the dress rings up at £8. The tag on it says £16, meaning it has since gone down in the sale.)

Me: “Okay, I can give you the value on a gift card, but it looks like it has gone to £8 in the sale. And without a receipt, I can only give you what it scans at. Is that okay?”

Customer: “What?! I paid £16 for this dress. I expect £16 back as it was defective, through no fault of my own.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but I can only give you the value of what it scans at, as per our returns policy.”

(The customer stared at me for a moment, before declaring that she’d like to speak to a manager. The manager for the clothing department is quite strict on policies set by Head Office. He came over and explained the policy to her. I offered to try and look up the original receipt for the dress for her. However, the system is rather old and requires the specific date of purchase to look up a receipt. She told me she bought it “two or three weeks ago.” Feeling sorry for her, I agreed to search manually through the whole month’s transaction history — I can specify it to the dress’s barcode, to save a bit of time — in order to get her the full refund. I spent almost two hours searching and could not find her original receipt. In the end, I left it to my supervisor to contact her and tell her that we could not locate her original receipt, and that if she wanted the partial refund she would have to come in soon. A few days later, she returned the dress at its sale price with no argument.)

(I am working the breakfast shift and I serve a gentleman a mug of tea.)

Customer: “How much is it for a full cup of tea? This is half empty!”

Me: “Sorry, sir, I have only left a little room at the top for you to pour your milk in.”

Customer: “This is ridiculous. You wouldn’t serve me a pint of beer like that, would you?”

Me: “No, because you wouldn’t be putting milk in your beer, sir.”

(I have been working at my new job for about a month. I am heading to the kitchen when I notice our elderly receptionist trying to replace the toner in a printer. I see she is struggling so I offer to help.)

Receptionist: “Oh, thank you. I always have trouble with these big ones.”

Me: “No worries.”

Receptionist: “You’re quite a strong woman, aren’t you?”

Me: “Well, I grew up with five brothers. It helps to build muscle mass.”

(She gently squeezes my arm.)

Receptionist: “Yes, nice and buff, like a man.”

(She smiles.)

Receptionist: “Are you one of those transsexuals?” 

Me: “Um, no.”

Receptionist: “Hmm, I think you are. You’re too strong to be a woman. My grandson dresses up like that Gaga woman, and he can barely lift my cat.”

(She smiled again and left.)

My wife was heavily pregnant with our second child. She had cravings for full English breakfasts. So, one Saturday morning my wife said we should go out for one. Never being one to turn down a cooked breakfast, my wife and I and our young son headed to a well-known franchise of pubs known for food and drink.

My wife, clearly pregnant, explained to the bar staff that she needed her fried eggs well done and not runny, due to being pregnant. Note that in these establishments you pay in advance for your food. Before paying, I relayed the importance of the eggs being well done. I was told this was not a problem.

The food arrived quickly, but the fried eggs on her plate were underdone and very runny. Naturally, my wife complained. We were told we did not ask for them well done. My wife said that she clearly asked and I stated that this was double-checked before I paid. I asked to speak to a manager.

The manager came over and barked, “We do not do refunds or substitutions!” loud enough for many other diners to hear. I began to lose my cool and explained the situation bluntly. 

I then stated that, as there is a higher risk of food poisoning from runny eggs, pregnant women (in the UK) are advised to avoid them, and that’s why I confirmed that the eggs needed to be well done before I paid for the food. I was told I had made that up. A simple Google search on my mobile phone proved the manager wrong. 

We were then told it would be fine and my wife should eat the eggs. I then said, “Can we have that in writing?” The manager swore loudly under her breath and then refused to replace the eggs. Due to cross-contamination, we were within our rights to demand a totally new plate of food. 

At this stage, we decided to leave, after spending £30+ for undercooked food served to a woman with child.