For a while, I used to sort out the mail for a big company that outsourced its mailroom to my employer. Due to downsizing, the mailroom had even been moved to our building — which wasn’t even in the same town as their head office, mind you!

A very interesting experience in those days were letters that were not specifically addressed to departments, but to employees in person. Naturally, this happens, but contrary to my predecessor, who had been doing their mail for nearly forty years, I had no clue where most of these people worked.

Luckily, [Predecessor] had not always known, either, and had taught me the way to find out: look it up in the staff guide on their intranet network. So I did. 

Obviously, that did not necessarily help. Firstly, people tend to neglect to update their profiles. Quite often, I found profiles claiming the employee in question worked in a building that had been closed off and sold a few years ago, due to… downsizing. Thankfully, the courier often just called the head office reception, where his wife worked, who would often know better.

Even worse is when someone sent in a letter addressed to someone with a quite common surname, without adding any further information, like, y’know, a first name or something. Imagine getting a letter addressed to “Mr. Smith,” without any first name, initials, or a department. Good luck finding out for whom the letter is meant.

At some point, I was so done with this that I simply left the letter for “Mr. Smith” for the courier to find, with a post-it on which I wrote: “Which one of the literally dozens by that name?” Obviously, he and his wife had no way to find out, either. At least, he took my (quite passive-aggressive) note in good humour. When I came back, he had written under it: “Whatever you feel like. :)”

Please address your letters properly, folks — especially when you send them to a big corporation with hundreds if not thousands of employees.

I’m at the craft store, browsing an aisle. I hear a ruckus by the entrance. Apparently, someone’s child was running around and bumped into a young woman who happened to be checking her phone. The mother of the child saw it happen and is now yelling at the young woman at the top of her lungs.

Mother: “You ignorant b**** with your head in your phone! You hit my child!”

Young Woman: “Excuse me. Your child — who was running around the store like a wild monkey — bumped into me. Watch your children if you don’t want them bumping into strangers.”

Mother: “You were too busy with your g**d*** phone, so it’s your fault, you cancerous whore!”

Young Woman: “Great example for your child you are, calling me names and all that.”

Mother: “I’M PROTECTING MY BABY FROM SCUM LIKE YOU! You just wait! You just meet me outside and I’ll beat your stupid b****-a** up!”

Young Woman: “Again, great example. I feel sorry for your child. I truly do.”

Mother: “Don’t tell me how to raise my kid! I’m protecting my child! F****** cancerous b****!”

She stomps away with the child in tow. The child seems completely unbothered by all this somehow.

I decided to lay low during this whole exchange, but once the crazy lady clears the scene, I bring my stuff up to the counter where the young woman is still lingering, seemingly a bit afraid to leave the store.

Me: “Well, at least you can’t say it’s been a dull day. Are you all right?”

Young Woman: “Yeah, I’m shaking a bit, though. I feel so sorry for her kid, having a mom like that.”

The young woman’s husband showed up — apparently, he had been at the store next door — and escorted her safely back out. The man looked like he hit the gym frequently. If the crazy mother was indeed waiting for them outside, she would have been in for a laugh.

I am in a bookstore. A lady is looking a bit desperately at the shelves while already engaging with another patron.

Patron: “Well, I don’t know the title, and for the moment, I just draw a blank regarding the author’s name.“

Me: “Ah, the famous ‘it has a blue cover.'”

Patron: “I don’t even know the cover.“

It turned out that she was reading the book in the original language, but it turned out a bit too complicated, and as she really liked the book, she wanted to read it in Dutch. Kudos to the employees, though; when I passed her again, she was at the information desk ordering the book. She recognized me and told me radiantly, “They found it!”

Caller: “Hello. When I want to log in, the system doesn’t recognise my credentials.”

Me: “Let’s see what we can do about this. Let me log in for you.”

It’s a one-way appointment system, so no password is needed. You can only sign in with a postcode/zip code and the house number and select a day you want an appointment. An ID is required, so you can’t sneak someone else’s appointment. The worst thing that can happen is a no-show from the client, so it is a calculated risk. I’m not the one making the decisions about this, and the system has been up for two years now. 

Me: “Hm, I seem to be able to log in fine. Which credentials do you fill in?”

The caller states the correct postcode and house number.

Me: “I use that, as well, and it’s going fine. Could you try it again? Perhaps there was a space somewhere.”

Caller: “I still get the error!”

Me: “Could you send me a screenshot of the error? You can mail it to [email address].”

I receive the email with the screenshot. I need a moment to think about how to reply without making the lady angry. 

Me: “I see you filled in [absolutely wrong, not even close postcode]. Have you already tried [correct postcode]?”

Caller: “All right, let me try that. Huh, it works! Thanks. But why didn’t the system work for me before?”

Me: “Because the postcode to your house is [correct postcode].”

Caller: “Yes, I know.”

Me: “If you fill that one in, the system will recognise you.”

Caller: “But why doesn’t it work with ?” 

Me: “The system is not perfect; it only recognises you if you use the postcode that belongs to your house.”

Caller: “Why?”

I need another moment.

Me: “Because the system is not perfect, but please select a day and you’re done!”

Caller: “All right, but you should tell your website department that your website needs to be improved.”

Me: “I will surely tell them about your interaction. Don’t worry about that!”

I had two female ducks and one male duck. The females always had wounds behind their heads due to the aggressive mating rituals ducks do and the fact that there were only two females available. We then decided to take the male to a farm (not a euphemism) and got two more female ducks.

I sent a picture of the new ducks to my mom and sis. Then, they baffled me via group text.

Me: “We have four female ducks now.”

Sis: “Will they still lay eggs?”

Me: “Yep.”

Mom: “You still have the male, right?”

Me: “No. I told you, we traded him.”

Mom: “Aww. Then you won’t have duck eggs anymore.”

Me: “Huh? Of course, I would. It’s like female humans. Eggs are produced with or without the male.”

Mom: “How will you get eggs without the male?”

Me: “Females produce eggs. Female plus male makes babies. No male, just eggs.”

Mom: “Ohhh.”

Me: “…”