(My theatre group does a play at an amusement park. We often walk around the park in costume to tell visitors about the play. Note that the play was about two “bad guys” who wanted to cut all the trees to build a large shopping mall in the forest.)

Me: “Did you see those two guys? They want to build a mall here. I don’t know what that is, but it sounds bad!”

Little Girl: “You really don’t know what a mall is?”

Me: “No, I just live here in the forest.”

Little Girl: *with piercing eyes* “Really. I mean in real life.”

Me: “I really live here!”

Little Girl: “No, I mean when you’re in your normal clothes.”

Me: *giving up* “Okay, in real life I know what a mall is.”

Little Girl: *looks satisfied* “I knew it!”

This story is part of the Theater roundup!

Read the next Theater roundup story!

Read the Theater roundup!

(I used to work at a call center that sells PC remote control software.)

Me: “Good evening, you’re speaking with [My Name], from [Company]. Would you be interested in our software?”

(I explain what the software is about, its monthly fee, and what its requirements are, which is basically the Internet.)

Caller: “Yes, I’ll take one for two years.”

Me: “So you’ve got all the requirements, even the Internet?”

Caller: “I’ve got Internet. I just take the cable out of the phone and stick it in my computer, right?”

Me: “Sir, do you have some kind of modem or router?”

Caller: “No, but I’ve got my phone cable. That’s how Internet gets in, right?”

Me: “Sir, since the program is not going to work unless you have Internet, I’m not going to sell you a two-year subscription.”

Caller: “But I want it!”

Customer: “I’d like one cappuccino.”

Me: “Oh, sorry, we’re out of coffee today.”

Customer: “That’s okay, I’d only like a cappuccino.”

Me: “The cappuccino has coffee in it.”

Customer: “Can’t you just make it without it?”

This story is part of the Ignorant Coffee Customers roundup!

Read the next Ignorant Coffee Customers roundup story!

Read the Ignorant Coffee Customers roundup!

Customer: “Hey, can I buy these, please?”

Me: “Sure. That’ll be 10 euros.”

(The customer hands me 10 Canadian dollars.)

Me: “I’m sorry, I can’t take that currency.”

Customer: “What? Why?”

Me: “Because this isn’t Canada.”

Customer: “But I thought you guys use Canadian dollars? My friend said they use Canadian dollars outside the US.”

Me: “We don’t. We use Euros here.”

Customer: “Since when?”

Me: “Since 2002. Although before that, we used guilders, so your dollars would still be useless.”

Customer: “But they’re Canadian dollars!”

Me: “But this isn’t Canada.”

(At this point, I take a second look at the magazines he’s trying to buy.)

Me: ” Excuse me, but do you speak Dutch?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “Then why are you buying Dutch magazines?”

Customer: “I thought they’d be in English.”

Me: “Because they speak English in Canada?”

Customer: *blushing* “Yeah.”

This story is part of the More Clueless Tourists roundup! This is the last story in the roundup, but we have plenty of others you might enjoy!

Read the next More Clueless Tourists roundup story!

Read the More Clueless Tourists roundup!

(I am working in retail when a confused-looking student approaches me.)

Me: “Hi there, how can I help you?”

Student: “I want to get a sample.”

Me: “A sample of what?”

Student: “What have you got?”

Me: “What do you need it for? For class?”

Student: “Yeah, for class.”

Me: “Which class?”

Student: “Social Sciences.”

Me: “I’m not aware of any requirements for that class. Do you have it written down somewhere?”

(The student looks through her bag and produces a piece of paper. She hands it to me.)

Me: “This is an assignment to set up a small psychological experiment.”

Student: “Yes! And I need a sample.”

Me: “Do you mean participants? You want me to get you participants?”

Student: “Yeah, the teacher said about thirty should do. Do they come to my place or do I have to get them from here?”

Me: “I’m afraid that’s not how it works. You have to find participants on your own.”

Student: “What? That’s ridiculous! Isn’t it enough that I do all the science?”

This story is part of the Customers-Who-Don’t-Understand-Science-themed roundup!

Read the next roundup story!

Read the roundup!