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It’s Gonna Be A Long Call, Part 4

, , , , , | Right | December 8, 2008

(I am helping a customer sign into their email.)

Me: “Okay, I need you to type ‘A’ as in ‘Apple.'”

Customer: “Now, don’t get all technical on me!”

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Perhaps She Should Talk To General Protection Fault

, , , , , | Right | November 5, 2008

Customer: “I am calling to let you know that you are running an illegal operation.”

Me: “Pardon me?”

Customer: “That’s right! My computer says so right on the screen!”

Me: “Ma’am, that’s a Microsoft error message that says, ‘Your program has performed an illegal operation.'”

Customer: “There is nothing wrong with my computer! I have a 15-inch neck!” *hangs up*

(I assume the customer was referring to her monitor… a 15-inch NEC.)

Whole Grain, Half A Brain

, , , , | Right | October 28, 2008

(At our natural foods store, a customer swipes her card through the debit machine and is looking at me funny.)

Customer: “Um… where is the stylus?”

Me: “This machine doesn’t have one; we have a pen to sign anything. Did you want that as credit?”

Customer: “No, I want to enter my PIN but I don’t understand how I am supposed to do that with no stylus.”

Me: “Oh, well… you just press the buttons.”

Customer: “You mean I have to use my fingers?!”

Me: “Yes, you use your fingers…”

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The Advantages Of Speaking Dudenese

, , | Right | October 27, 2008

Me: “Hi, I’m calling to confirm your appointment today. I show here your modem seems to be online. Are you still having a problem with your service?”

Customer: “Well, my son’s computer will go online but his roommate’s computer will not. We turned the black box thingy off and on but it doesn’t work.”

Me: “Do you have a router?”

Customer: “Well, yes, we do, but I don’t see what that has to do with anything.”

Me: “Is the router plugged into the modem?”

Customer: “What’s the modem?”

Me: “The black box thingy.”

Customer: “Yes, but like I said, when I called and talked to your service people that changed the configuration doo-dad and now it doesn’t work.”

Me: “Well, sir, we do not support third-party equipment, so I can’t send a technician to troubleshoot your issue. What company manufactured your router?”

Customer: “I just spent $150.00 installing this; you have to send someone out!”

Me: “Sir, since you have already explained to me that your service is working, it seems that your third-party router is causing the issue. You must call them for support. Legally, we aren’t allowed to support their equipment.”

(This goes on for about 10 minutes before he gets so frustrated he puts his son on the line.)

Customer’s Son: “Uh, yeah… I need your technician dude to fix this.”

Me: “Unfortunately, as I explained to the other person I was speaking with, we do not support third-party equipment.”

Customer’s Son: “But it was working. Your service guy turned my link light off the black box and now it doesn’t work.”

Me: “But you are surfing on your computer, right?”

Customer’s Son: “Uh, yeah… but I can’t get on the Internet on the other. That’s why we need the technician dude to fix it.”

Me: “Sir what type of car do you drive?”

Customer’s Son: “Honda, why?”

Me: “Okay, what kind of radio is installed?” *this was a long-shot*

Customer’s Son: “Alpine, what’s your point?”

Me: “So, when your Alpine radio stops working, are you going to call the Honda dealership telling them you want your money back and you want them to fix a radio they didn’t install or manufacture?”

Customer’s Son: “I think I need to call Linksys.”

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He Uses The Google

, , , | Right | October 27, 2008

Me: “Thank you for calling [Tech Support] Services. How may I help you?”

Customer: “I am an old man who does not understand anything about computers. Something is wrong… Can you help me step by step?”

Me: “Yes, I can. First off, I need to know some things about your computer…”

(After about five minutes he hands the phone to his son who is a self-proclaimed computer software technician.)

Son: “Hey, this is [Son]. I know about computers so you can speak all the Internet jargon you want.”

Me: “All right. First off, what web browser are you using?”

Customer’s son: “Well, I am on Google, so Internet Explorer.”

Me: “Sir…?”

Customer: “Yeah, since I am on Google, I’m obviously using Internet Explorer.”

Me: “Can I speak with your father, sir?”