Tangled Up In Bobs

, , , , | Learning | January 15, 2019

(I’m a high school teacher, and I’m also the advisor for a music appreciation club at my school. At the beginning of each club meeting, everyone gets a turn to talk about the music they’re currently listening to.)

Student #1: “I’ve been listening to Tangled Up in Blue by… um… Bob Marley?”

Me: “Bob Dylan!”

Student #2: “Two very different artists…”

(Various murmurs of agreement.)

Student #3: “Maybe we can get Bob Marley to do a cover of it.”

Me: “If you bring him back from the dead, sure!”

Frugal Shoppers Are Warriors Of Amazon

, , , , | Right | January 2, 2019

(Our store is a home decor boutique in an extremely wealthy neighborhood, and tends to be very pricey. I definitely can’t afford any of the things we sell, even with my discount. But even some of the wealthier clients complain sometimes about the cost. A customer comes in wearing a fur coat that looks real, and carrying a Prada bag. She’s been taking photos with her latest-gen iPhone.)

Me: “Anything you have questions on? Are you looking for a gift, or to decorate a space?”

Customer: “No, thanks. I’m hosting a big dinner later so I’m just taking some pictures.”

Me: “Okay, well, let me know. I’m a deft hand at centerpieces and vignettes.”

Customer: “Oh, don’t bother. I’m just going to find them on Amazon later.”

(I get the impulse to save, but how rude can you be?)

We’re Sorry That Amy’s Family Didn’t Personally Call You

, , , , | Right | January 1, 2019

(Amy Winehouse’s “Rehab” song is playing. A customer is in the store and starts singing and dancing along with the chorus.)

Customer: “I love this song! it’s so fun and catchy!”

Me: “It does have a sort of sass to it. Too bad about the subject, though.”

Customer: “Oh, I think we can all relate. Rebelling against social standards, right? Her parents trying to change her like that — ‘fix her up.;”

(Keep in mind, this is your average, upper-class, white lady, looking into buying a $2000 kitchen table. I pause, not sure what she’s getting at.)

Me: “Well, there is the thought that she might still be with us if she had gone.”

Customer: *stares at me* “It’s a metaphor.”

Me: “It’s… I’m pretty sure it’s not. Amy Winehouse died of a drug overdose.”

Customer: *continues to stare at me, horrified* “Well, if that’s true, nobody told me.”

(Then she left, looking really angry.)

This Is No Time To Be Calling

, , , , | Right | November 8, 2018

(I have closed and locked the door for the night, and am counting the till and doing closing duties. The lights are mostly off and the hours are clearly visible on the door. I hear something rattle the door, pause, rattle harder, then pound on it. I am just out of view of it, but I poke my head out to see a dark form in the doorway. I choose to ignore it until the phone rings. Curious, I answer.)

Me: “[Store]. We closed at 7:30. This is [My Name].”

Customer: “Hi. I’m trying to get in but the door is locked.”

Me: “Yes, sir, we closed at 7:30.”

Customer: “What time is it?”

Me: “7:48.”

Customer: “Well, you’re still there; can you let me in?”

Me: “No, sir, I stopped being paid three minutes ago. Our hours are on the door; feel free to come back when we’re open.”

(I hung up after that. He called back several times and I didn’t answer. Curious to see what messages he left for my coworkers.)

Innocent Until Proven Innocent

, , , , , | Legal | June 30, 2018

(The store I work for hires non-violent ex-cons. One of my coworkers was a thief who stole electronics. Recently, some electronics have gone missing. When reports started two weeks ago, he had been here for a few months already. Many have a feeling it’s him but don’t want to falsely accuse just based on past behavior. Our managers have said to keep an eye out and that valuables can be kept in a locked office; an internal investigation is under way and they’ll get the police involved when required. One coworker, however, goes straight up to the ex-thief.)

Coworker: “Hey! I know it’s you. There’s no way it can be anyone else. Hand that mp3 player over. You have no right to get into my bag!” *pushes*

Ex-Thief: “I swear, it’s really not me! Let them investigate.”

Coworker: “No one needs to. You’re a d*** thief and we all know that!”

Manager: “Hey! Calm down. We said we’d investigate. If he’s the thief then he’s going back to jail, but if not, a false accusation is hurtful.”

Coworker: “This is ridiculous. It. Is. Him. I’m calling the police right now.”

Ex-Thief: “You know what? Why not just call the police and get this over with?”

Me: “I think we all know he’s the likely suspect, but he’s innocent until proven guilty.”

Ex-Thief: “[Manager], how about I take a few days off work, perhaps?”

Manager: “I think that would be fine.”

Coworker: “No! He’s going to just leave and we’ll never see him or our missing stuff again!”

(In the end, the managers did an immediate search of the employee room. They found a missing cell phone wrapped in an eyeglass cloth… with the company name which someone remembered that the angry coworker had glasses from. Yes, HE turned out to be the actual thief, and it was proven by security camera later. His “missing” mp3 player turned out to be in his own bag. Police agreed.)

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