(The store I work for hires non-violent ex-cons. One of my coworkers was a thief who stole electronics. Recently, some electronics have gone missing. When reports started two weeks ago, he had been here for a few months already. Many have a feeling it’s him but don’t want to falsely accuse just based on past behavior. Our managers have said to keep an eye out and that valuables can be kept in a locked office; an internal investigation is under way and they’ll get the police involved when required. One coworker, however, goes straight up to the ex-thief.)

Coworker: “Hey! I know it’s you. There’s no way it can be anyone else. Hand that mp3 player over. You have no right to get into my bag!” *pushes*

Ex-Thief: “I swear, it’s really not me! Let them investigate.”

Coworker: “No one needs to. You’re a d*** thief and we all know that!”

Manager: “Hey! Calm down. We said we’d investigate. If he’s the thief then he’s going back to jail, but if not, a false accusation is hurtful.”

Coworker: “This is ridiculous. It. Is. Him. I’m calling the police right now.”

Ex-Thief: “You know what? Why not just call the police and get this over with?”

Me: “I think we all know he’s the likely suspect, but he’s innocent until proven guilty.”

Ex-Thief: “[Manager], how about I take a few days off work, perhaps?”

Manager: “I think that would be fine.”

Coworker: “No! He’s going to just leave and we’ll never see him or our missing stuff again!”

(In the end, the managers did an immediate search of the employee room. They found a missing cell phone wrapped in an eyeglass cloth… with the company name which someone remembered that the angry coworker had glasses from. Yes, HE turned out to be the actual thief, and it was proven by security camera later. His “missing” mp3 player turned out to be in his own bag. Police agreed.)

(Overheard between a pediatrician and a seven-year-old patient:)

Pediatrician: “Look, [Child], you learned more about [disease] on your own; that’s a good thing! It’s very smart to learn all about your health. And, you found out online that we always tell the CDC when someone has [disease]. I think it’s very good when people learn about how we keep track of disease. But from now on, calling the CDC is my job, not yours.”

My restaurant sends out coupons for a free dinner. A customer hands me the coupon before ordering. The exact wording on the coupon is “…a complimentary entree”

Woman: I want to use my coupon but I don’t see any entrees on your menu.

Me: *points to menu* here you go ma’am you can order any meal that’s under any of  the “dinners” sections.

Woman: but the coupon says entree. I want my free entree.

Me: ma’am, the terms are basically interchangeable.

Woman:What? I want my free entree. Show me the entrees.

Me: interchangeable means they mean the same thing..

Woman: oh….

(I am at a party venue for my child’s birthday.)

Employee #1: “So, the cake part is coming up soon. Can you bring it over here? I’ve already got the [venue] candles you ordered.”

Me: “All right, here’s the cake.”

(It is not a traditional birthday cake at all; it is an Asian sticky layer cake that normally has no dairy. Actually, it’s pastry, but called a cake. Ours is deep red and white layers.)

Employee #1: “Uh, what is this? We’re preparing the birthday cake.”

Me: “That is the birthday cake.”

(I then place a “Happy Birthday” sign that I bought elsewhere into the cake, and pick up a candle, when the employee starts yanking the sign out.)

Employee #1: “This is not a birthday cake! You can’t give this to your kid!”

Me: “Hands off!”

(He then grabs the candle out of my hand.)

Employee #1: “That is not a birthday cake. I’m not letting you do something so stupid! There’s no way your kid nor any of your kid’s friends would like this! Go and buy a normal cake.”

Me: “My kid can’t eat a normal cake. They have milk in them. This one doesn’t.”

Employee #1: “Then find a vegan cake shop! You can’t pass this garbage as cake! No one wants it!”

Me: “NO! My kid wants this. We’ve had one every birthday. Also, this is traditionally made without milk, and we can make our own. This is homemade!”

Employee #1: “I told you this isn’t a birthday cake!”

Me: “Look, it is for us!”

Employee #2: “What’s the problem here?”

Employee#1: “This is not a birthday cake!”

Me: “It is our birthday cake.”

Employee #2: “It is if she says it is. Does it really matter?”

Employee #1: “Of course it matters; this is not a birthday cake.”

Employee #2: “I’ll handle this; just go do something else.”

(We’ve had a lot of people confused and curious over the years, but this is the first and only time someone had more to say.)

(I’m a high school Spanish teacher.)

Student: “Finito!”

Me: “’Finito’ es italiano; no es español.”

Student: “Oy, vey!”

Me: “That’s Yiddish.”

Student: “¡Ay, dios mío! Are you happy now?”