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The Magical Mocha Phone

, , , | Right | October 21, 2008

(I used to repair phones for an office.)

Customer: “My phone is broken.”

Me: “Can you please describe the problem?”

Customer: “It’s broken.”

Me: “In what way?”

Customer: “It doesn’t work.”

Me: “Do you have a dial tone? Can you not dial a specific number?”

Customer: “Nothing happens. It’s broken.”

Me: “Where is your desk?”

Customer: “Second floor, cube [number].”

(Upon arriving, I find the phone with no lights, no dial tone, no anything. On a hunch, I ask…)

Me: “Did you spill coffee in it?”

Customer: “No!”

(I grab the phone, tilt it and coffee pours out.)

Me: “Huh.” *glares at customer*

Customer: “I DIDN’T spill coffee in it!”

Me: “Riiight.”

So Much For Being Patriotic

, , , , , | Right | October 20, 2008

Customer: “I’m looking for a clock radio.”

Me: “Certainly. Our clock radios are over on these shelves here. Is there any particular style or brand you’re looking for?”

Customer: “This one looks all right. It’s made here, isn’t it?”

Me: “Actually, ma’am, I believe that one is manufactured in China.”

Customer: “S***, you’re kidding! Well, what about this one?”

Me: “That’s also a [Brand #1], ma’am; that’s also made in China.”

Customer: “S***, I DON’T WANT ANY BLOODY CHINESE S***. SHOW ME ONE THAT ISN’T CHINESE!”

Me: “Well, this particular model over here is a [Brand #2], with all of the same functions.”

Customer: “Not from China?”

Me: “No, this one’s made in Japan.”

Customer: “S***, I TOLD YOU I DON’T WANT ANY F****** CHINESE GARBAGE! *points to first radio* “Just give me that one there.”

Me: “Uh… ma’am, that one is made in China, and the last one wasn’t…”

Customer: “DO YOU THINK I GIVE A S***?!”

Marital Bliss, In All Its Forms, Part 2

, , , , , | Right | October 14, 2008

(I’ve just done a sales pitch for Internet service.)

Customer: “Oh, honey, I’m 73. I wouldn’t know what to do with the Internet. I can hardly run the computer my daughter gave me.”

Me: “Well, I’ll be honest. I’m 24 and I do struggle with them from time to time.”

Customer: “Boy, I sure wouldn’t want to be your age, what with all the bad things happening in the world today.”

Me: “I don’t know; I’m pretty optimistic most of the time. I think we’ll be okay.”

Customer: “You’ve never been married, have you?”

Be Careful What You Ask For, Part 2

, , , , , | Right | October 10, 2008

Me: “Thank you for calling [office]; how can I help you?”

Caller: “I need a driver’s license.”

Me: “Okay. You can come to our office; as it is Saturday, we are open until 12:30 pm.”

Caller: “I can’t make it in time; can you fax me one?”

Me: “Sorry, sir. It’s a plastic card, and it can not be faxed or emailed. We also have to take your photo, so this can be done only in person.”

Caller: “It was my birthday yesterday, so my license is expired. Can’t you do it over the phone?”

Me: “Sorry, sir, I can not send you a plastic license over the phone.”

Caller: “F*** you!”

Me: “Sorry, sir. I can’t do that over the phone, either.”

Next Up: Watching Paint Dry

, , , | Right | October 6, 2008

Me: “Welcome to [Tech Support]. How can I help you this morning?”

Caller: “I keep getting pop-ups to update my computer, but I don’t have Internet. I don’t want Internet.”

Me: “All right. I can show you how to turn off the notifications.” *shows customer*

Caller: “Thanks. Now, how do I know if my computer is working?”

Me: “Do you see any error messages?”

Caller: “No.”

Me: “Okay, let’s test it out. Can you open a program for me?”

Caller: “Um, I don’t know how to do that.”

Me: “So, you don’t use the computer to play music, games, or to use the word processor?”

Caller: “No.”

Me: “What do you use your computer for?”

Caller: “Well, I just watch it to see what it does.”

Me: “Oh… is it doing anything right now?”

Caller: “No.”

Me: “Then thank you for calling [Tech Support]. Have a good morning.” *click*