(A customer comes in with her son asking for an anti-virus package. These days, we don’t sell disks anymore, only cards with a license key. You enter that key on the website of the anti-virus software, and you get a subscription for a year.)

Customer: “Hi. I would like to buy a virus software. But can you give the card to me first?”

Colleague: “Uh, sure. But what for, exactly?”

Customer: “I just want to make sure this is a key for 2018, and not the same one that I bought last year.”

Colleague: “Sorry, ma’am, but I can’t do that. I can assure you, however, that every key is unique. And year of production doesn’t matter, they are valid for multiple years.”

Customer: *slightly agitated* “But I want to make sure!”

Colleague: “I understand, but I simply can’t show you the card. That key is basically what you’re buying, but again, it’s unique. Promised.”

Customer: *reluctantly* “Fine, I’ll buy it.”

Colleague: “Excellent! Can I have your name?”

(We need a name to register every purchase.)

Customer: *gives name*

(We usually just enter the first few letters, as our system automatically searches for partial matches as well.)

Colleague: “Right, that was [Customer] on [Address], correct?”

Customer: “Yes, that… Who’s that?” *pointing to the screen*

Colleague: “Hmm? Oh, that’s someone else. I just looked up the first three letters of your name, letters that this person shares with you.”

(At this point, I have to move to the stock to grab a few things, so I miss the rest of the conversation. But I do hear that the customer seems angry. She leaves, and I think that is the end of it. I’m wrong. A coworker gives me the phone, saying it’s likely the customer from before.)

Me: “Hello, [My Name] from [Store]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “There was another name on my screen; I want it gone.”

Me: “Excuse me? What exactl—”

Customer: *agitated* “When I bought the virus from you—” *her exact words* “—there was another name on the screen!”

Me: “Oh, yeah, I remember you. Yeah, the person happened to share your first name, and the first three letters of your last name. What about it?”

Customer: “I want her address!”

Me: “Eh, sorry. I can’t give customer information to someone else.”

Customer: “I SAID I WANT HER ADDRESS!”

Me: *firmly, but slightly ticked off* “And I said I legally can’t give you any information. It’s just a random person that sha—”

Customer: “I DON’T WANT HER NAME ON MY SCREEN!”

(Funny, I thought the screens we have belonged to the store, not to the customers?)

Me: *snarky, because I am losing my patience* “Well, one of you two should change their name, then. There’s nothing I can do otherwise.”

Customer: “THEN DELETE HER!”

Me: “Same problem; can’t do that without permission.”

Customer: *now fully enraged* “I WILL CALL THE GDPR ON YOU! I WANT TO RETRACT MY CONSENT!”

Me: “All right, but you’ll have to contact my boss, I ca—”

Customer: “NOW, D*** IT!”

Me: “Okay, look. I’ve been patient with you, but that’s over with. Unless there is something I can help you with, I’m hanging up.”

Customer: “I WILL NEVER SHOP HERE AGAIN!”

Me: “Good.” *hangs up*

(For those unaware, GDPR is the name of the new privacy laws regarding customer information — General Data Protection Regulation — not the name of an organisation or anything. Good luck calling a law, crazy woman.)

(I am helping a patron set up a new email account.)

Me: “Okay, now hit ‘Next’.”

Patron: “Where?”

Me: “On the blue button that says ‘next’.”

Patron: “Here?”

Me: *pointing with a pencil* “Right here.”

Patron: “Here?”

Me: “Nope, right here where my pencil point is.”

Patron: “Here?”

Me: “No. Just click RIGHT EXACTLY WHERE THE POINT OF MY PENCIL IS.”

Patron: *moving the cursor to the right spot* “Here?”

Me: “YES. CLICK THAT.”

Patron: “Now?”

Me: “Yes.”

Patron: “I click now?”

Me: “YES!”

Patron: *clicking* “Like that?”

Me: “Well, you can’t move the mouse while you click. Let’s try again…”

(As I am sat at my desk working, a customer approaches me, clearly frustrated.)

Patron: “Your Internet isn’t working.”

Me: “It should be working. What have you typed in?”

Patron: “Google.”

Me: “Okay, let me come look.”

(I get to the patron’s computer and they have literally just typed in “GOOGLE” in the website address bar. No “dot-com”.)

Me: “Have you tried putting ‘google-dot-com’ in the website address bar instead of just ‘Google’?”

Patron: “Erm… no.”

Me: “Well, give that a go and see if that works.”

(The patron proceeds to type it and presses enter, and the Google search engine appears on the screen.)

Patron: “Oh, erm… It’s working now.”

(I am covering a break in electronics. A woman approaches with a question about a tablet.)

Customer: “Are you able to help me with my email on here?”

Me: “I’ll try my best, but I normally work in beauty and am just over here covering a break.”

Customer: “Well, I have too many emails in my inbox and now I’ve stopped being able to receive any more. I don’t want to have to manually delete 2,000+ emails. Do you think you can help me?”

Me: “I know typically the keyboard command ‘Control’ and ‘A’ will delete around 100 emails at a time. It will still take you a while but at least you won’t have to do each one individually.”

Customer: “How would I do that?”

Me: “You would bring up your keyboard while in your email.”

Customer: “I don’t know how to do that.”

Me: “Well, what type of tablet do you have? I have a Kindle and am somewhat familiar with iPads, so I should be able to figure it out.”

Customer: “Oh, I didn’t buy it here. I bought it off [TV Shopping Network] years ago.”

Me: “Then, I’m sorry, but I won’t know how to work it. Besides, I’m not sure if I can even work on something we didn’t sell because if something happens then we can’t really offer anything to you.”

Customer: “Well, the one electronics guy always helps me. The tall, skinny one.”

Me: “Ma’am, that literally describes every single guy that works in electronics. Does he have long hair? Piercings? Tattoos? That way I can kind of tell if the one you are thinking of is working today.”

Customer: “No, sorry, I just know he’s tall and skinny. So, there’s nothing you can do?”

Me: “Honestly, ma’am, your best bet is to try and go to a public library if you don’t have a computer at home. They can help you pretty much step for step and will know more than me, probably.”

Customer: “Okay, thanks.”

(Later on, the electronics guy comes back and I ask him what he would have told her.)

Coworker: “Honestly, I don’t know if I could have helped her, either, especially because she doesn’t even know how to bring up her keyboard. The fact that it’s a five-year-old product from [TV Shopping Network] means it’s more than likely a piece of junk that will need replacing soon. I’m glad I was on my break when she came.”

(It’s a weekend. My father is sleeping in. My mother is cleaning stuff off of the kitchen counter while I find myself some breakfast. My father’s phone trills with a text message. His text tone is fairly loud and obnoxious.)

Mother: “Ugh, not again.”

Me: “What?”

Mother: “Your father uses the setting where the phone rings every five minutes until you answer the text. It’s driving me crazy. I can’t wait until he gets up so he can answer it.”

Me: *wordlessly picks up the phone and turns it on silent*

Mother: “Oh… that works.”

(Glad my childhood computer classes, ownership of the same type of phone, and ability to use my brain came in handy.)