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Both Involve Opening The Hatch And Tossing In Some Liquid

, , , , | Related | October 7, 2021

When I am away at college, smartphones are just becoming a thing, but I don’t have one to look things up spur-of-the-moment. One afternoon, right after I turned twenty-one, I decide I want to try making my dad’s family-famous margarita recipe, so I text him.

Me: “Hey, Dad, can you send me your margarita recipe?”

I quickly move on to chores while I wait for his response. I have never before had occasion to open my new car’s hood myself, but I need to refill the wiper fluid. I spend a few minutes trying and failing to open the car’s hood — failing to know or look up that there is a latch — so I text my dad again shortly after my first text.

Me: “Do you know how the hood of my car opens?”

I get a reply pretty quickly.

Dad: “The length of time between those texts concerns me.”

It was just his dry humor; he knows I don’t drink and drive. He did send me the recipe, and ten years later, I at least know how to do simple things like open a car hood.

I Foresee A Gullible Experience In Your Future

, , , | Right | June 4, 2021

I work in a beauty shop, and I’m Romani and Native American. 

Customer: “Where are you from, dear?”

Me: “Oh, I’m from here. My mother was Native, and my father was Romani.”

Customer: “What’s Romani?”

Me: “Gypsies.”

Customer: “Oh, can you read my palm?”

Me: *Laughs* “No, I don’t know how to.”

Customer: “Come on, I’m sure you’re good at it!”

Me: “I’m really not.”

Customer: “What if I paid you extra?”

Me: “I don’t think my boss would be too happy about that.”

Boss: “She wouldn’t be.”

But the customer kept insisting, so I finally gave in, telling her it was no charge. I made up some stuff, found the guardian angel line, and asked about her deceased relatives. She left happy and gave me a tip! My boss laughed and told me to keep the extra tip, saying it was a funny experience.

You Could Put The Sign ON Their Face And It Still Wouldn’t Work

, , , , | Right | May 17, 2021

I work as a lifeguard at the town beach. Due to current events, we have one of our paths set up for exit only and the other for entry. Both are very obviously marked with giant metal signs like you would see on the highway.

Me: “Hey, guys, would you mind using the other entrance next time you come in?”

Patron: “We didn’t see the sign.”

Me: “I assure you there is one there.”

Patron: “Well, there wasn’t anything saying where the entrance was.”

Keep in mind that the entrance is clearly visible from the exit, so they saw the sign and didn’t look for the entrance at all. After this incident, we put a sign in the middle of the path.

It hasn’t worked.

You Run Into Some Real Animals At The Zoo

, , , , , | Friendly | November 20, 2020

My family rents a large house for a week on Cape Cod to celebrate my grandfather’s seventy-fifth birthday. There are about fourteen of us staying here. I, as the oldest of my grandfather’s grandchildren by far, am the one looking after my younger cousins the most, but I don’t really mind, since most of the kids pair up quite nicely age-wise with one of their cousins.

One day, as a day trip, I take my aunt’s new ten-year-old stepson — [Cousin #1] — and my seven-year-old cousin — [Cousin #2] — to the zoo, which is about an hour away. They are surprisingly well-behaved so the drives there and back are quite uneventful.

It is worth noting here that [Cousin #2] was born with several disabilities, including severe lazy eye, missing fingers, and limited use of one leg. She cannot take more than a few steps at a time and usually prefers to use forearm crutches, as she was on that day.

We get to the zoo and spend most of the day there. We pick up some cheeseburgers from a drive-thru on the way to eat at lunch. We sit down in a quiet area away from the crowds to eat lunch.

As we are eating, an old lady who is there with what appear to be her toddler grandchildren walks over to us. She begins talking to [Cousin #2], saying quite rude things about how little children shouldn’t be wearing glasses, how her hair is too long to be becoming for a little girl, and how her very pale complexion indicates she ought to go outside more.

Then, she notices my cousin’s crutches, which she has propped up against the bench right next to her, and the obvious brace on her leg.

Woman: “You should stop eating that burger, dearie. Otherwise, you’ll be too heavy to use your crutches.”

Perhaps it is the really calm way in which she says it, or perhaps it’s that [Cousin #2] is really absent-minded, but she very politely and enthusiastically says:

Cousin #2: “Actually, I have a really high metabolism. That means that I eat a lot of food just to keep my body warm. My mom says that when I become a teenager I’ll probably be eating double what she eats.”

The woman looks taken aback, which the kids seem to interpret as confusion.

Cousin #1: “No, metabolism is a real thing. My dad says it’s not fair because I eat like two teenage boys and never gain weight and he eats like a normal man and is kinda fat.”

The woman doesn’t seem to have noticed [Cousin #1] up until this point. She looks at him, a short, skinny black kid, and then at [Cousin #2] and me, very pale kids with similar shades of blond hair and rather similar faces. About the only thing we have in common appearance-wise with [Cousin #1] is that his glasses looked quite similar to [Cousin #2]’s. The old woman turns to [Cousin #1].

Woman: “Are you all right, dearie? Have you been kidnapped by this man? I’ll call for help, shall I?”

Cousin #1: “No, I’m their step-cousin. My dad married their aunt.”

[Cousin #2] raises her hand, which is missing a few fingers and has a rather unconventional shape, and points at [Cousin #1].

Cousin #2: “Yeah, he’s our step-cousin, but we usually call him just our cousin because…”

She trailed off as she saw the old woman’s eyes grow wide at the sight of my cousin’s hand. The old woman picked up the toddlers and walked off in a hurry. That did hurt my cousin a bit, but after some ice cream, she seemed to have gotten over it.

Indeed, that evening after dinner, she confided in me that she had a new idea for her Halloween costume. “I’m gonna be a pirate,” she said, “because if my normal hand scares adults away already, then if I get a hook hand, I can scare all the adults! Then, my friends and I will get all the candy!” She then attempted her scariest evil laugh, which would have been more threatening if she weren’t wearing glasses, her mouth had all its teeth in it, and she wasn’t giggling while she did it.

Mmm, Strawberries And Meat-Cream, Part 2

, , , , | Right | October 1, 2020

When I have to bag groceries, I like to keep the raw meats separate from any other items that the customers may be buying to avoid any kind of contamination. One night, I happen to bag for a customer who is buying a few packages of cold cuts and a package of ground beef. I instinctively put the cold cuts in one bag and the ground beef in another.

Customer: “You don’t have to use two bags. You can put both in the same bag.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but I was told not to put raw meat and fresh food in the same bag to avoid contamination.”

Customer: “And I’m telling you to put them in the same d*** bag!”

Me: “Ma’am, I could get in trouble for doing that.”

Customer: “I don’t care! Put them in the same d*** bag now! I want to have to carry two bags to my car!”

I still refuse to put the raw meat in the same bag as the cold cuts, so the customer takes the bag with the ground beef and shoves it inside the bag with the cold cuts.

Customer: “You’re completely useless, you stupid girl! When a customer tells you to do something for them, you do it!”

Customer #2: “Will you stop harassing the poor girl for doing her job right and just get out of here already?! You’re holding up the line over something stupid!”

The first customer leaves and the second customer turns to me.

Customer #2: “You are doing a wonderful job. Don’t let people like that tell you otherwise!”

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Mmm, Strawberries And Meat-Cream