(I am arranging a training course for several managers at my office. One manager has asked about the facilities. I reply to her email after a brief call with the venue. About an hour later, I am called into the senior manager’s office. Said manager is also there, and she looks to be furious.)

Senior Manager: “I have had a serious accusation from [Manager] that you referred to her in a way that she believes to be homophobic.”

Me: “Oh?”

Senior Manager: “Yes. I won’t repeat it here out of respect to—”

Manager: “BULLS*** LESBIAN! That’s what you called me. I always knew you were a bigot.” *to Senior Manager* “I want his a**e out of here, immediately!”

Me: “I have never referred to you by that. I don’t know if you know, but I’m gay myself.”

Manager: “Oh, a [lesbian slur]-hating [gay slur]. Just typical!”

Senior Manager: “Okay, let’s just calm down for second. When did he call you this?”

Manager: “On his email!”

(She hands a piece of paper to him and glares at me. The senior manager reads it quietly.)

Senior Manager: “Um, [Manager], BSL stands for British Sign Language.”

Manager: “What? That doesn’t even make any sense.”

Senior Manager: *quoting* “’…and the venue also offers BSL interpreters.’ What part of that was meant to suggest ‘BSL’ stands for ‘bulls*** lesbian’?”

Manager: “I… I guess I didn’t read the email.”

Senior Manager: “So, I take it the confusion regarding homophobia has cleared?”

(She nods.)

Me: “Well, not exactly.”

(I then spoke about her referring to me as a “[lesbian slur]-hating [gay slur],” to which she said I was overreacting and stormed out of the office. Yes, I’m overreacting when you called me a “[lesbian slur]-hating [gay slur],” but when I used an acronym that you misunderstood, it was perfectly justified. In the end, she was threatened with dismissal unless she issued a formal apology. I’m still waiting on it, but she’s on unpaid leave until it is received.)

(A coworker comes in late because he had to take his wife to the doctor.)

Me: “Hey! How’s your wife?”

Coworker: “She’s fine. She was showing some symptoms of Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever. The thing you can get from ticks?”

Me: “Isn’t that more an out-east thing?”

Coworker: “You’re thinking Lyme Disease. This area gets Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever.”

Me: “Okay. I once had symptoms of Rocky Horror Picture Show Fever.”

Coworker: “Yeah, I heard that was common back in the early 80s.”

(I laughed. At least he had the timeline right.)

(We sell hiking equipment and outdoor clothing. We have an online shop, also. A customer calls, trying to return a pair of hiking boots he bought online.)

Caller: “I would like to return shoes I bought last week.”

Me: “No problem. May I ask what’s wrong with them?”

Caller: “They’re too small!”

Me: “Well, you just need—”

Caller: *quickly interrupts* “—and I only walked a few kilometers wearing them!”

(I glare at my coworker in disbelief.)

Me: “In that case, we cannot accept this return.”

Caller: “What? They are not damaged or anything!”

Me: “Sir, our return policy states that you can return items only if they are in the same condition as when you bought them.”

Caller: “This is outrageous! How am I supposed to try them out?”

Me: “You can try them in the store or at home, in a clean environment.”

Caller: “But… they are just as new! It was just a few steps outside!”

Me: “Sir, I really cannot accept this return.”

Caller: “Well, I’m sending the boots to you, anyway! And I expect you to give me a full refund!”

Me: “I’m sorry; I can’t do this, either.”

(This goes for a few minutes and then someone — wife or mother of the caller — shouts behind his back.)

Voice: “You bought too-small boots, wore them on hiking trip, and now you want to return them?! You idiot!”

Caller: *click*

(In my Latin class, we’re filling out a crossword puzzle with the names of Greek gods and heroes. My friend’s working on his crossword, and another student is half-working and also talking with his buddies.)

Student: *looking over at my friend’s paper* “Does that say, ‘Onions’?”

Friend: “‘Onions’?”

Student: “Yeah, ‘onions.’ Is that what it says?”

Friend: *just looking at him*

Student: *picks up my friend’s paper and takes a closer look* “Oh, it says, ‘Helios.’”

Teacher: “Sometimes I think this class period just shaves IQ points off.”

This story is part of our Crossword Puzzles roundup!

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(I’m a tech support representative for an online retailer that also has their own brand of Wi-Fi-enabled technology. One night, I get a call from a customer who is having trouble connecting his device to his home Wi-Fi network. I start walking him through the troubleshooting steps. Eventually, we reach the part where he is supposed to reboot his network.)

Me: “Go ahead and unplug your modem and router, wait fifteen seconds, and plug them back in.”

(The line disconnects. After a few seconds, I realize he must have had a VoIP [Voice over Internet Protocol] line. I wait a minute or two to give his system a chance to reboot, then call him back.)

Me: “I’m so sorry about that; I didn’t realize you were using a VoIP line. Let’s move on with troubleshooting.”

Customer: *very angry* “I don’t understand why you didn’t know that! You should have known! Your system should tell you that!”

Me: *confused, as I definitely have no way of knowing what type of phone they’re calling me on* “Sir, I am very sorry; I have no way of knowing what type of line you’re using.”

Customer: “I don’t understand! You are [Major Internet Company], are you not?”

Me: “Um… No?”

(Needless to say, I double-check what type of line the customer is using before we reboot their network now.)