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And After, Serve Them A Mite-Cap

, , , , , | Romantic | February 10, 2018

(My wife and I have potted plants on our balcony, which have become infested with spider mites. We’re looking up remedies online.)

Me: *reading off a website* “‘Make your own miticide at home by mixing a tablespoon of ground cinnamon, a tablespoon of ground cloves…'”

Wife: “I’m not making glühwein for the mites!”

(Glühwein is mulled wine.)

Me: “‘…two tablespoons of Italian seasoning!’” *laughs* “Serve some tea to the mites; be a gracious host!”

It Drives In The Family

, , , , , , , , , | Related | January 23, 2018

(I have received a speeding ticket, and as it’s not my first, I need to attend a government-run “re-training” session at a local school to teach me about the consequences of speeding. I walk into the classroom, and bump into my brother.)

Me: “What are you doing here?”

Brother: “I could ask you the same thing!”

Me: “Did you get a ticket?”

Brother: “Yeah, did you?”

Me: “Yeah, I was told I had to attend this class.”

Brother: “Oh, man. Me, too!” *his eyes go wide* “Seriously?”

(I follow his gaze and see our mom walk into the room.)

Mom: “What are you two doing here?”

(We establish that all three of us have received speeding tickets recently, none of which have been our first. The class starts and the teacher is taking roll-call.)

Teacher: “[My Name] [My Last Name].”

Me: “Here.”

Teacher: “[Brother] [My Last Name].”

Brother: “Here.”

Teacher: “[Mom] [My Last Name].”

Mom: “Here.”

(The teacher looks up after reading the three names in a row, to see the three of us sat together. We all look alike.)

Teacher: “Are you related?”

Mom: “They’re my sons.”

Teacher: “Who taught them how to drive?”

Mom: “I did.”

Teacher: “Figures.”

When It Isn’t “More The Merrier”

, , , , , , , , | Related | January 1, 2018

(My parents have hosted Christmas Eve for both sides of the family as long as I can remember. Gatherings in my family are informal; a few people sit at tables for comfort or practicality, but many of us occupy couches or the floor around coffee tables. When I was growing up we lived in a large house, but my parents downsized about seven years ago. This year, for the first time since they moved, basically everyone is coming. Nobody is with in-laws, and some of the old “kids table” group have their own children now, so the total expected head count is larger than it’s ever been at their current place. Four generations will be represented. My mom can be rather uptight and is more of the planner than my dad, so I text her and ask if she wants me to bring an extra dessert, knowing we’ll have so many people. A few moments later my phone rings.)

Me: “Hi, Mom!”

Mom: “YOU AND [BOYFRIEND] CAN EAT IN OUR BED OR SITTING ON THE TOILET!”

Me: “Um… What?”

Mom: “THERE’S GOING TO BE AT LEAST THIRTY-FOUR PEOPLE, MAYBE MORE! I HAVE NO IDEA WHERE I’M GOING TO PUT EVERYONE!”

Me: *laughing* “It’ll be fine! It’s always fine.”

(I can hear my dad yell to her from the background, “Nobody will care! There’s never enough chairs, anyway!”)

Mom: “WE’LL NEVER FIT!”

Me: “So, should I bring the bundt cake?”

Mom: “Yes, please! You can eat it in the bathroom, too!”

Tis The Season For Manflu

, , , , , , , | Friendly | December 27, 2017

(I had a cold a couple weeks ago and was endlessly relieved when I managed to not to pass it to my boyfriend, but he has managed to catch a different one from one of his coworkers. I’m at work the day after Christmas, a Monday when most people including my partner are off, and commiserating with my “work wife.” He is a man and I am a woman.)

Me: “There’s one advantage to being at work today. [Boyfriend] is definitely sick. At least I don’t have to be home listening to him complain about it.”

Coworker: “Silver lining!”

Me: “Yeah. I mean, you know I love him, but I love him a little less when he’s sick. He’s horrible.”

Coworker: “Whiny?”

Me: “Definitely not stoic at all.”

Coworker: “Well, of course not, sweetie. He’s a guy.” *laughs* “We’re all like that.”

(He’s the first one I’ve met who admits it!)

Friends That Drink Together, Stick Together

, , , , , | Friendly | December 25, 2017

(We draw names for a Secret Santa gift exchange at work. Two coworkers have been good friends for many years, predating their employment at our car dealership. They used to be housemates, hang out all the time, get their families together, have regular poker nights, take vacations together, etc. One of the best friends opens his present from [Coworker #1]. It is a bottle of his favorite Scotch. He is thrilled, and his best friend is intensely jealous. A few gifts later, it is the other friend’s turn to open his gift. He receives… a bottle of the same Scotch.)

Best Friend #1: ‘How did you know exactly what to get me?’

Coworker #1: “I asked [Best Friend #2].”

Best Friend #2: *to [Coworker #2]* “And how did you know what to get me?”

Coworker #2: “I asked [Best Friend #1].”

Best Friend #2: “So, we both knew the other was getting what we wanted, but not that we were getting the same thing?”

Coworker #2: “Apparently!”

(We all knew they’d probably end up drinking them together, anyway.)