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Their Gift Wrapping Can Only Be Opened By Their Sharp Wit

, , , , | Related | December 20, 2017

(My mom and I are about to fly from California to London to spend Christmas with some friends. It will be her first time visiting the United Kingdom.)

Mom: “Do they have gift wrapping over there? My presents aren’t wrapped.”

Me: “Did you just ask me if they have gift wrapping paper in London?! It’s the United Kingdom; they’re not cave dwellers.”

Mom: “I don’t know. British gift wrapping paper could be different.”

Me: “Actually, you know what? Yeah, you’re right. The British gift wrapping paper will only wrap properly around British produced or purchased objects.”

Mom: “Shut up!”

The Car Has A Faulty Typo

, , , , | Working | December 19, 2017

(I work as a service writer at a car dealership. I always check and edit the stories the mechanics write, in terms of how they addressed customer concerns or performed work, to fix typos and provide clarification as needed for the customer. One of my mechanics does solid work, but he moved frequently between countries with different languages when he was young and he is the first to admit that as a result, his written English is… not excellent. I have fixed some GREAT lines from him. Quotes are exactly as he wrote.)

Note: “clear cods and tests drive four miles. check engine light diet cam beak on.” *Cleared fault codes and road tested vehicle for four miles. Check Engine light did not recur.*

Note: “THE BATTERY IS GOD.” *The battery is good.*

Note: “NEED RUINING LIGHTS ASS REPLACED RUINING LIGHTS ASS” *Wiring internal to daytime running light assembly is defective. Replaced running light assembly.*

Brain Unable To Ketchup With The Mouth

, , , | Working | December 14, 2017

(It is a hot day. I am picking up two vanilla milkshakes and nothing else in the drive-thru. I get to the pick up window.)

Worker: *hands me the milkshakes* “Would you like ketchup with that?”

Me: *pause* “What?”

Worker: “Would you like ketchup with that?”

Me: “I don’t think that would taste very good.”

Worker: *realizing her mistake* “Oh… um….”

Me: “You automatically ask that with any order don’t you?”

Worker: “Yes…”

They Know Their ABK’s

, , , , , , | Working | October 8, 2017

I called in an order to a pizza parlor from whom I had previously ordered. My previous receipt had my name spelled as “Kathy.”

The employee asked for my phone number and I gave it to him. He looked up my record and confirmed the name on file as “Kathy” and I said, “Yes, but I spell ‘Cathy’ with a C, so can you please change it?” The employee said he would.

When I picked up my order, my name on the receipt had been changed – to “Cathy with a C.”

Not Getting That Friday Feeling

, , , , , , | Working | September 21, 2017

(I only have one other coworker who has exactly the same position as me in our department. He’s a nice enough guy, but staggeringly incompetent at our job, which frustrates me to no end because cleaning up his messes dramatically complicates my duties. I was excited when we brought him on, because the department was a lot for me to handle alone, but he makes so many mistakes I’m not sure I’m actually working less. We used to work side-by-side frequently, but the schedule recently changed so now we mostly work opposite shifts except for overlapping on one day. This means I’m not around to babysit him as much as before. It’s important we communicate about what work is being handed off, and I always make clear to customers which days I’m in the office and which days they will catch him instead. One Friday, close to closing time, the phone rings.)

Receptionist: “[My Name], can you take a call? She asked for [Coworker], but he’s off today; when I told her she got pretty pissed. I’m hoping you can help her.”

(I end up talking to her for quite a while, getting the situation untangled. Afterwards:)

Receptionist: “Were you able to get it figured out?”

Me: “Yeah, and I don’t blame her for being angry. [Coworker] worked with her last week, and she talked to him again Monday. He told her, ‘I promise I’ll call you by the end of the day Friday. I’m writing it in my calendar so I don’t forget.’ That’s awfully specific, and sounds like something he’d say; I don’t think she was lying. And she never heard from him today, so that’s why she called.”

Receptionist: “…but he didn’t work today.”

Me: “Yep. He only worked Monday and Tuesday this week. I know he’s usually here Wednesday, too, but last Friday is the only Friday he’s worked since the schedule change, because I traded for Wednesday. He NEVER works Friday otherwise. And he definitely never told me about her.”

Receptionist: “Wow.”

Me: “And, get this: I checked, and he never actually ordered the parts to fix her car in the first place. Both when she first came in, AND when she talked to him again.”

Receptionist: “Seriously?”

Me: “Yep. I took care of it and booked her for Monday when he’s back. Unlike what he did to me, I’ll actually tell him what’s going on, so he doesn’t get blindsided.”

(What I happened to know that WOULD blindside him is that he would be written up Monday, twice, for two separate mistakes that cost the department over a thousand dollars, a week after getting written up for doing a horrible job helping a different customer. I don’t think he’ll be with us much longer.)