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Doesn’t Have That Friday Feeling

, , , , , | Romantic | September 7, 2017

(It’s Friday, a workday in the USA. I make my wife and myself breakfast every day, typically eggs and toast.)

Me: “I have to go, I’m late.”

Wife: “Late for what?”

Me: “I still go to the 10:00 meeting. I’m late for work.”

Wife: “What?”

Me: “I work today. It’s Friday. I work on Fridays. It’s America.”

Wife: “It’s Friday?”

Me: “Yes; do you feel like it’s Saturday?”

Wife: “You served me breakfast in bed.”

Me: “But if it’s Saturday, how come you didn’t get your egg poached with salmon and capers and cheese?”

Wife: “I’m going to check.”

Me: “How come we didn’t watch Saturday morning breakfast cartoons?”

Wife: “It’s really Friday!”

Me: “You must have thought your Saturday morning really sucked.”

Doesn’t Sound A-Peeling

, , , , , | Working | August 14, 2017

(A coworker and I are at our respective desks next to each other working. He looks at his hand.)

Coworker: “That’s weird. It’s like my hand…” *something I can’t quite make out*

Me: “Wait… WHAT?”

Coworker: “It’s peeling.” *he shows me where skin is flaking off the palm of his hand*

Me: “Okay, that’s way better than what I thought you said. I missed the ‘-ling’ and just heard ‘pee.'”

Coworker: *laughs*

Me: “I was thinking, ‘Dude, I know we work closely together but I don’t need to know about your pee hands.'”

Coworker: “Don’t worry. I do not have pee hands.”

Me: “I would hope not! But if you ever do, please don’t touch my keyboard.”

If Your Prostate Is There It Needs To Be Checked!

, , , | Related | July 31, 2017

(My mom has a tendency to not believe things I tell her in general. But this one takes the cake. In the car, on the way home from the gynecologist:)

Me: “I hate going to the gyno so much. Men are so lucky they don’t have to suffer through this.”

Mom: “Oh! But men have it worse. They need to get their prostates checked.”

Me: “Yeah, but that’s just one finger. And when they are like 40.”

Mom: “But a finger in their… ‘peepee hole!'”

Me: “WHAT?! MOM, NO!” *I explain the process*

Mom: “No, no… you are just making that up. How are they going to reach the prostate from there?”

(Six years later, she still believes this.)

Some Jokes Never Die

, , , , | Romantic | July 30, 2017

(I’m working as a cashier at a grocery store and ringing up a male customer. After greeting him, I ask him if he needs any bags.)

Customer: “No, mine divorced me years ago.”

Feel Three To Choose

, , , , | Working | June 28, 2017

(I’m checking in an early customer who is dropping off his car to perform recall repairs. It is worth mentioning that I am not at my sharpest in the mornings.)

Me: “Is there a particular time that’s best for you to be able to come back that we should aim for?”

Customer: “Not in particular. What time do you close?”

Me: “Our service department is here until 6 pm. If it’s easier to pick up later, Sales is in until around 8:45 pm; we could also leave your keys and paperwork with them if that works better.”

Customer: “Oh, really? That’s good to know!”

Me: “Yep! We have MILLIONS of options! Well… okay, two. Before Service closes and after Service closes. Two options.”

Customer: *laughs*

Me: “Wait! Tomorrow! You can also pick up your car tomorrow if you want! THREE options!”