Phrasing That Just Pops

, , , , , , | Friendly | September 21, 2017

(My roommates and I are hanging out. One goes to the kitchen and opens the fridge. There is a small crash.)

Roomie #1: “Who left an open soda on top of the fridge door?!”

Me: “I don’t know.”

Roomie #2: “It wasn’t me.”

Roomie #3: “It was probably [Roomie #4].”

Roomie #1: “It better not have been [Roomie #4]!”

Me: “I’m sure it’s not intentional. Somebody probably just got distracted.”

Roomie #1: “Yeah, well, they just got distracted ALL OVER MY PANTS!”

Roomies #2-#4: *burst out laughing*

Me: “Phrasing!”

Roomie #1: “Now I’m all sticky!”

Roomie #2: *literally falls off of the sofa*

His Innuendo Sucks

, , , , , | Right | September 21, 2017

(I am working self-checkout at the time of this order. An older gentleman, probably around his early 80s, is having difficulty putting the cash into the bill slot, so I walk over to help him.)

Me: “Hello, sir, did you need any help with that?”

Customer: “Yes, I just can’t figure out where to put my money.”

(I hold my hand out for the money and put it in for him. The machines take the money very quickly, so I make a seemingly innocent comment as joke.)

Me: “Well, that certainly sucked it back very quickly, didn’t it?”

Customer: “Yeah, just like my wife!”

(I didn’t know what to say, so I just told him to have a good day and walked back to my till.)

Your Salary This Year Will Be Impotent

, , , , | Working | September 20, 2017

(My coworker likes to occasionally “pick on” some of the sales managers, but it’s all in good fun, and they know she’s just joking.)

Coworker: *shouting out the window of the office to one of the managers* “[MANAGER], ARE YOU IMPOTENT?”

Me: “[Coworker], you can’t say that!”

Coworker: “Why?”

Me: “Do you know what that means?”

Coworker: “Doesn’t it just mean, like, unimportant?”

Me: “No! It means a guy can’t get it up!”

Coworker: “Oh.”

(At this point, the manager comes over, and he’s just dying of laughter.)

Me: “Never say that again!”

That’s Too Much Sharing

, , , , | Right | September 20, 2017

(My friend is traveling to New York on business. While he usually gets his own room, his boss warns him that due to cutbacks, he may be sharing a room with a coworker this trip. The hotel desk clerk is a very attractive woman.)

Friend: “Reservation for [Name].”

Clerk: “And will you be staying alone, sir?”

Friend: “Yes.” *remembers that the room may have been reserved for two* “Unless you have other plans.”

Clerk: *icily hands him his key card* “Good day, sir.”

Just Shear Innuendo

, , , | Learning | September 20, 2017

Classmate: “[Teacher], can I borrow a pair of shears?”

Teacher: “Sure.” *grabs pair of shears* “I’m pretty good at scissoring.”

Page 31/41First...2930313233...Last
« Previous
Next »