Eavesdropping Really Blows

, , , , , | Related | December 12, 2017

Girl: “Can I have a lollipop?”

Me: “Have you had a shot today?”

Girl: “No.”

Me: “Then, I’m sorry; you can’t have one.”

Girl: “I’ll give you a blowjob for one.”

Me: *taken aback* “How old are you?”

Girl: “Seven.”

(I don’t know what to say, so I just turn my back and ignore her.)

Mother: “[Girl], stop bothering that man.”

Girl: “But I want a lollipop. You said, ‘Give a man a blowjob and he’ll do anything for you.’”

(I turn back around and the mother is blushing. She drags her daughter out of the office.)

Mother: “What have I told about eavesdropping on your aunt and me when we’re having coffee?!”

(She came in this morning to request copies of her family’s prescriptions, so she can switch to another doctor. I hope she wasn’t switching because of the incident.)

They’re Just Explaining Biology

, , , , , | Related | December 12, 2017

(My mom is helping me study for an AP biology test. We’re doing some Punnett square examples in the textbook.)

Me: “So, does it matter if the mother or father goes on top?”

Mom: “For sex? It depends. With me and your father, he goes on top because I weigh more. But with your aunt and uncle, I think she probably goes on top, because he weighs more.”

Me: *almost too horrified to speak* “I meant on the square. I think I’ll go study alone.”

He’s REALLY Away From Keyboard

, , , | Working | December 11, 2017

(I’m an IT technician who is currently fixing another worker’s webcam remotely, as I am on one side of the country while he is on the other. He has told me he will be away for half an hour, so I’m left to work alone. I finish updating the drivers and quickly load the webcam software to see if that has fixed the problem. When the window loads I’m met with two men completely naked and standing up, engaged in sex, one being the guy whose computer I’m working on. I’m in shock for a couple of seconds when I hear “OH, S***” and see them turn quickly and the webcam (which is integrated into the laptop’s monitor) face downwards. I quickly disconnect. I’m a little shaken, but ultimately decide to try and forget about it. I quickly send an email confirming the problem has been fixed and my intent to close his ticket.)

Me: “It would seem the drivers needed updating, and from what I’ve seen the webcam is working correctly now. If there are no other issues, I will be closing your ticket.”

Worker: “Wow, sorry about that. I didn’t expect it to be fixed so soon. I hope it wasn’t a tad much for you, seeing that. Let’s just keep this between us. Thanks for the help!”

(I never had any more tickets come in from him, thankfully…)

Pimping Out Your Understanding Of That Word

, , , , | Related | December 11, 2017

(I’m joking around in my bedroom with a friend and my five-year-old niece is sitting nearby, wanting to be one of the “big kids.” She’s usually very quiet and reserved, so it’s easy to forget she’s there.)

Me: “That guy is totally her pimp.”

Niece: “What’s a pimp?”

Me: “Uh… Pimp My Ride is a show that was on TV a long time ago. Basically, you take your car to these guys, and they make it look crazy.”

(I showed her some pictures to make my cover-up more credible. She was really interested and asked if she can watch some of the show. I agreed and showed her some clips. Now, she asks to watch “Pimp My Ride” every day, and she tells everyone with a car that they should get it pimped.)

That Is Knot Where I Was Going With That

, , , , , | Related | December 6, 2017

(My parents and I are watching TV, and my dad is absently rubbing my mom’s neck. She’s enjoying it.)

Mom: “Mmm, does it feel naughty? It feels naughty.”

Dad: “Oh, yeah.”

Me: *cringing*

Mom: “No, not naughty, KNOTTY!”

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