(My husband and I are at a restaurant, checking out the menu. They have the specials on chalkboards on the walls, usually nicely written and decorated. We start discussing one of the specials we are going to actually get.)

Me: “Oooooh, they have loaded schnitzels with cheese, bacon, and mushrooms. Choice of beef or chicken. I think I might get the chicken.”

(My husband turns to look at the sign.)

Husband: “Oh, that sounds good. How much… Hang on. I’m not sure if I want that or not!” *laughing*

Me: “Why? It sounds amazing.”

Husband: “Because it says, ‘Shitzles.’ I’m not sure that would taste great.”

Me: “What? Oh, my goodness, it does, too! Hang on; I will go tell someone.”

(I get up and go to tell our waitress.)

Me: “Hi, I was wondering if you guys realized that the schnitzel sign actually says, ‘Shitzels.’”

Waitress: “What?! Oh, my goodness, I’m so sorry!”

Me: “All good! Just figured you would want to change it.”

(I went to sit back down, and then another waitress came running over like a bat out of Hell with cloths and chalk. We all had a pretty good laugh.)

(I am hosting at the end of the night on a Saturday, about thirty minutes before we close, when this customer walks in. He looks a little worse for wear and very confused.)

Me: “Evening, sir, how can I help you?”

Customer: “Uh… can I use the restroom?”

(Normally, our policy is to only allow paying customers to use the restrooms, but since it’s late and he doesn’t appear to mean any harm, I allow it. He returns a few minutes later.)

Customer: “You might be able to help me with this. I’m on a trip.”

Me: “That’s great, sir. How can I help?”

Customer: “Which way is Florida?”

Me: *confused pause* “Florida?”

Customer: “Yes, I’m a little lost. Which way is it?”

Me: “Well, if you get on the interstate heading east, I suppose you’ll get there eventually.”

Customer: “Go west?”

Me: “East.”

Customer: “Ah, thanks.” *mutters* “Must’ve been going the wrong way…”

(The customer left. A few of my coworkers came over to see if I was okay after he left, because I had dropped down under the host stand to hide how I was crying with laughter. We’re located in Louisiana. How far in the wrong direction did he go?)

(In the restaurant where I work, there are only two tables that will sit a group larger than four. A large group approaches the host stand while I am literally in the process of cleaning the only available group table, so they wait, at max, five minutes for it to be clean. They are then promptly seated.

It is a fairly busy lunch so there is a bit of a wait for food, but nothing unreasonable. When I do quality checks and refills, everything seems fine until the end. While clearing the dishes:)

Me: “Any dessert or coffee today?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “Okay, then, just the bill?”

Customer: “No.”

(I halfheartedly laugh, as this is a lame joke I’ve heard before. When I bring the bill, they crumple it up and throw it on the table, which I find odd and think that it’s a weird way to joke. I honestly have no idea they are upset; I’m usually very good at reading my customers and am sympathetic when they get slow or bad service. 

I leave to let them look over the bill and get the payment terminal. I notice at one end of the table someone has put down some money and the customer who crumpled up the bill took it. I figured they just decided to pay credit, instead. I return with the payment terminal and begin processing their payment when:)

Customer: “This is the worst service I have ever received!”

(I am completely caught off-guard as everything seemed fine and they didn’t complain once throughout the meal.)

Me: “I’m so sorry. Is there anything I can do to fix it?”

Customer: “We waited twenty minutes to be seated!”

(They waited five.)

Customer: “No one brought my son a highchair.”

(The kid was in a highchair when I first greeted the table, so obviously, someone did, and fairly quickly because we have to greet tables within two minutes of being sat.)

Customer: “We waited over an hour for our food!”

(They waited twenty to thirty minutes.)

Customer: “And you never once brought us refills!”

Me: “Actually, I did bring refills to your table.”

(She just ignored me every time I came to the table and asked.)

Me: “And I apologize about the wait times, but it has been a fairly busy lunch. Would you like to speak to my manager?”

Customer: “No! But we will never be dining here again!”

(And with that, she stormed off, of course leaving no tip. I then realized the money that had been left on the other side of the table was meant to be my tip from the sane people at the table who actually paid attention when I asked how everything was and if they wanted refills, and she had stolen it.

I was so mad. My manager could see and asked me what was wrong, so I explained the whole situation. It’s a good thing I did, because the customer called later and tried to complain about me.)

(I work at a fine-dining restaurant chain as a hostess. We have a happy hour deal most days of the week in the bar/lounge. I can’t make reservations in the lounge for this time according to our policy. We also use a computer system for our guests so we have information noted on most of our regulars. I get a phone call.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Restaurant]. This is [My Name]; how can I help you?”

Caller: “Hi, [My Name], this is [Caller]; you guys know who I am. I should be in the system. I’m there every day. I want to make a reservation for four people tonight at 6:30?”

Me: “Of course, give me just a few moments to get that in the system… All right, you’re all set for—” *repeats information back to her* “—we’ll see you then.”

Caller: “Oh, I also would like to make that for the bar.”

Me: “Okay. Ma’am, I’ll go ahead and write that you prefer the bar, but I can’t guarantee a table in there for you as that is during our happy hour and it is first-come-first-serve.”

Caller: *scoffs* “Useless. Is [Coworker] there? She knows who I am. She’ll help me.”

Me: “No, ma’am, she’s not here today, but that is our policy and she would have to tell you the same thing. I do apologize for the inconvenience.”

Caller: “Inconvenience? This is ridiculous. Do you know who I am? I’m in there every day and I’ve never had this issue.”

(I look at her recent history and notes and see that she has been told multiple times by multiple coworkers about the policy for the lounge, but I decide it’s not worth it to give attitude back to her and risk getting in trouble with my manager.)

Me: “I’m so sorry, ma’am, but that’s been our policy for over a year now and no one should be guaranteeing you a table in the bar during those hours.”

Caller: “Well, they are because they always let me sit in the bar. I want to talk to your manager right this second. They know who I am.”

(I transfer her to the general manager and get a call from the office a few minutes later.)

General Manager: “Hey, [My Name], so that woman that you spoke to…”

Me: “Yes, did I do anything wrong?”

General Manager: “No, no, of course not. That was [Caller]; she does this at least once a month. When she calls, just take the reservation and don’t give her a lounge table.”

Me: “Okay, will do.”

General Manager: “Oh, and if she ever asks for a manager, tell her we’re not available.”

(I’m picking up two to-go orders from a restaurant I frequent. I get my food and go to pay. Side note: the elderly owner doesn’t allow anyone to work the register except himself.)

Me: *gives him the ticket for the first order*

Owner: “Your total is $7 even.”

(I pay with a $20 and he gives me back a ten and three ones. I give him the ticket for the second order, which ends up being more than $3, so I pay with the ten-dollar bill. The owner places the bill on top of the cash drawer while he gets my change, and then he hands me some ones and another ten.)

Me: *hands him back the ten* “I paid with a $10 the second time.”

(He looks surprised but looks at me and then the bill still on top of the drawer and quickly takes back the extra ten and points a finger at me.)

Owner: “I was just testing you. Have a good day!”

Me: “Riiight…”

(I keep thinking, “What would have happened if the register came up short later and he couldn’t blame anyone else?”)