I work at an Italian restaurant that takes orders to-go. We write the names of people on their receipts, which are kept at the front desk. A customer walks in.

Customer #1: “I would like to pick up a to-go for [Name #1].”

I check the receipts and do not see his name, but I find one with a similar name that is one letter off. Sometimes we write names down incorrectly over phone orders, so I pick up the receipt and decide to verify his order to be sure whether or not it is his.

Me: “Okay, [Name #1]. I couldn’t find a receipt with your name anywhere, but I have this one for [Name #2]. Let me verify the order with you to see if it’s yours because it could actually be for someone else.”

I read the order to the customer, who seems to be staring blankly in the distance. I barely finish asking him if the order sounds correct to him when he shoves his credit card at me. I hand it to the to-go person for processing. Another customer walks in.

Customer #2: “To-go for [Name #2], please.”

Me: *Getting suspicious* “We do not appear to have your receipt right now. What was in your order?”

[Customer #2] describes exactly what I just gave the other man, who is still sitting in the lobby with the bag of food. The whole host staff, including the to-go person is in a frenzy of confusion because we seem to have two people with the “same” name and the same order, but only one actually exists. As we are dealing with both customers during the panic, [Customer #1] finally speaks up after over five minutes.

Customer #1: “You know, the order may be under my wife’s name, [Name #3].”

I check the receipts and find it there. I read off [Name #3]’s much longer order.

Customer #1: “Yeah, that has to be my order. Sorry about that.”

We process his payment again and hand him a much larger bag of food.

Customer #1: “This is better. I was wondering why you gave me such a small order. And what was in it didn’t even sound right!”

I am a hostess for a bar and restaurant. The owner also owns many other places in the same town.

Me: “Hi. Thank you for calling [Restaurant]. This is [My Name]; how may I help you.”

Customer: “Oh, hi, sweetheart. [My Name], that’s such a pretty name that you have. My name is [Customer]. I just have some questions for you.”

Me: “Okay, go ahead. I’m sure I can answer them.”

Customer: “Okay, so you’re a tiki place, right?”

Me: “Right.”

Customer: “Okay, so… what’s on the menu that I would like?”

Me: “Umm… well, what are you in the mood for?”

Customer: “I don’t know. What do you think I would like there?”

I then read every item on our menu to her.

Customer: “Oh, okay. Now, your owners, they also own [Another Bar]. How much would it be for a salad there?”

Me: “I don’t know, ma’am. I don’t work there.”

Customer: “Well do they sell baybreezes?”

Me: “Well, ma’am, I don’t work there so I don’t know for sure, but chances are yes, they do?”

Customer: “And do you know what kind of food is on the menu there that I would like?”

Me: “Ma’am, once again, I have no idea because I don’t work there. I work here. I am going to have to give you that bar’s phone number and you can call them.”

Customer: “Oh, okay, [My Name], it was nice talking to you. Talk to you soon.”

I’ve been coming to this seafood restaurant almost every day for lunch for a couple of weeks now and always bring a book with me as I get a very long lunch. This week said book just so happens to be “The Hitchhiker’s Guide To The Galaxy.” I’m waiting on my food and they usually call numbers. I’m the only one in the restaurant when I hear:)

Worker: “Ford Prefect, your food is ready!”

When I leave, I ring the bell that they have in this particular chain restaurant and call back:

Me: “So long and thanks for all the fish!”

(I’m a dishwasher because I enjoy cleaning. I prefer dishwashing over housekeeping because it’s a lot easier. I go and apply to a famous store and restaurant combo and get hired.)

Me: “So, when should I come back for training?”

Manager: “Oh, we’ll call you.”

Me: “Okay.”

(I wait and wait but no call. I don’t want to bug them and don’t want a stupid employer who forgot about me, so I figure they’ve changed their minds and I start looking somewhere else. A week later, someone calls.)

Restaurant: “Why aren’t you coming to work? Are you ill?”

Me: “No, I was waiting for a call. You said that you’d call.”

Restaurant: “No! You’re supposed to look at the online schedule!”

Me: “Sorry? No one told me of this! What is the website?”

(They told me. I hadn’t had any luck finding anywhere else, so I checked the website and went to work, and the manager looked very guilty. I guess she forgot to tell me about this online schedule!)

(I’m the manager at a buffet restaurant. We have tables for small parties and large parties. Large party tables — ten and more people — require a charge of gratuity added to the payments. A family comes in with eight people. They are very rude with the hostess, so the hostess grabs my attention.)

Me: “How can I help you guys today? What seems to be the problem?”

Customer: “We want this larger table since we are large people.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but if we do give that twelve top to you we will be required to charge a 15% gratuity to your checks, due to us having to compensate the loss of a large party to the servers.”

Customers: “I guess we’ll go somewhere else.”

(I bow my head in respect.)

Me: “If that is your decision.”

(They leave, but then one of the males returns — the husband.)

Husband: “I’d like to talk to you.”

Me: “Yes, sir, I have a reservation I’m assisting at the moment. If you could please wait—”

(He interrupts me even when the other reservation customer is right there.)

Husband: “You just lost a large group of customers. You just lost a lot of money.”

Me: “I understand that, but you did not agree with our policies, and you voluntarily walked out on your own.”

Husband: “I am a man of God!”

(I am taken aback a bit.)

Me: “Oh? I also am a Christian. I don’t get how that is relevant.”

Husband: “I am a man of God! And I curse this establishment!”

Me: “Is this really happening?”