(I am chatting with some friends about the TV show “The Walking Dead.”)
Friend: “I gave up watching after season two.”
Me: “Season two was the worst season, but it got so much better after that.”
Friend: “I just got bored; nothing was happening!”
Me: “But it’s so well written, and the characters are really fleshed out.”
Friend: “Until they’re not.”
Me: “Literally.”
(“It” has been playing for the past week. One day, I get a call at the box office.)
Me: “Hi, thanks for calling [Theater]. How can I help you?”
Caller: *giggling* “Yeah, um… Do you have ‘It’?”
Me: “Yes, we do. Our next show-times are at noon, 3:00 pm, and 7:30 pm.”
Caller: *pause; annoyed* “You were supposed to ask me what ‘It’ was! It was a joke! I wanted to confuse you!”
Me: “Oh, I know. It’s just that we’ve gotten that exact same prank call about ten times a day for the past week and I’m trying not to waste time on them.”
Caller: *click*
(I’m at my friend’s parents’ house, as she is visiting for the week. She lives in London and has been telling me about the crime down her street — often teens smashing up cars, mugging people, and stealing phones. We talk about other things for a bit.)
Me: “When are you going back tomorrow?”
Friend: “Early afternoon. I do not want to be walking down my street in the dark. It’s stupid; I’ll walk from [Parents’ house] to [Other Friend’s house an hour away] in the dark, I’ll walk from Kings Cross to Farringdon in the dark, but I am not stepping down my street in the dark.”
Me: “Well, you know what lurks down your street.” *pause, then in mock disdain* “Yooouuuuths.”
Friend: *mimicking my tone* “Yes, yooouuuuths.” *going back to a normal tone* “That stab people and are actually hard. Not like Norfolk ‘youths’ who just think they’re hard.”
Me: *putting on a higher voice and doing an impression of a typical Norfolk accent* “‘Look at me, lads; I’m so ‘ard. I jus’ stole this Bounty from [Super Cheap Store]!'”
(My friend laughs, and then imitates putting something on her head. I’m nonplussed.)
Friend: *mimicking my tone* “‘Now I’ve got a Bounty on my head!'”
(I am sitting in the family room with my kids, watching “Inside Out,” when my eight- and nine-year-old sons start talking about the colors of emotions and behaviors, which ends with the following.)
Eight-Year-Old: “Silly must be rainbow.”
Nine-Year-Old: “Yeah. Lonely is white. What color is serious, Mom?”
Me: *amused* “Well, there really is only one color serious could be, isn’t there?”
Eight-Year-Old: *stares down [Nine-Year-Old] as he starts laughing, catching on quickly* “Don’t. Don’t you dare!”
Nine-Year-Old: *ignoring his brother* “Black! Serious is black! Serious Black!”
Eight-Year-Old: *groaning* “I’m going to bed. I’m serious!”
Me: *trying not to laugh* “I thought your name was [Eight-Year-Old], but it’s nice to meet you, Sirius.”
Eight-Year-Old: “Gah!” *flops over on floor and covers his ears* “Stop with the Potter puns!”
(The nine-year-old pokes his younger brother’s arm and tries to stop laughing long enough to add in one last comment to the conversation, which, while not Potter-related, is still too good for him to pass up.)
Nine-Year-Old: “Hey… Why so serious?”
(I sent them both to get ready for bed once I could stop laughing long enough.)
This story is part of the International Joke Day roundup!
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(I’m sitting in the bedroom, listening to my husband play a video game in the next room. It’s a space flight game, and uses a “frame ship drive” to jump between star systems. Because of the voice they used for the computer, it always sounds like “friendship drive” to us. I love puns and wordplay.)
Me: “Hey, hon?”
Husband: *from next room* “Yeah?”
Me: “Your game needs its own show: My Little Spaceship: Frame Ship is Science.”
Husband: *laughs*
