(A man and his son walk into the guest services office.)

Customer: “The rides person won’t let my son get on the pirate ship ride.”

Me: “Your son doesn’t appear to be tall enough. Will you have him stand by the height chart for me?”

(I measure the child and he is a good two inches shorter than the height requirement for the pirate ride.)

Me: “Sir, your son is not within the height category. He cannot legally ride the ride.”

Customer: “Well, can’t you just stamp his hand and let him get on since I said it was okay?”

Me: “No, sir, that is illegal. Your son will not be safe on that ride as the restraints are not built for smaller riders. We do have a kid’s version of that ride.”

Customer: “I’m going to get my wife. She’s wearing heels today. He can just put those on and be tall enough.”

Me: “Any shoes that are more than two inches thick need to be removed before we can measure the child, so that won’t work.”

Son: “Daddy, why can’t we ride the rides?”

Customer: “Because that horrible lady thinks you’re a midget.”

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Me: “Thank you for calling. How can I help you?”

Caller: “I’m the number one web developer in Atlanta. I have a client base and I wanted to peruse your products. How do I get to your website?”

Me: “Our website is [site name] dot com.”

Caller: “Where do I type that?”

Me: “In your web browser, sir.”

Caller: “Found it! Is the ‘dot’ in ‘dot com’ a period?”

Me: “Yes, sir.”

Caller: “I typed it; now what do I do?”

Me: “Hit ‘Enter’, sir.”

Caller: “I don’t see that on my screen.”

Me: “It’s on your keyboard, sir.”

Customer: “Yeah, hi, I just called earlier to have a report faxed. It hasn’t come through yet.”

Me: “I already sent that out to you, but I can send another copy if you’d like.”

Customer: “Hmm. You think it could be my end?”

Me: “Let’s check the basics. Have you received faxes earlier? Is it plugged in?”

Customer: “Oh, here’s the problem! The paper isn’t loaded!”

Me: “Okay! Fill it up and I’ll send it again.”

Customer: “Um, I don’t seem to have any paper here. Could you fax me some paper so I could load it with it before you fax the report?”

Customer: “Hi, I need some help.”

Me: “Of course, sir. How can I help you today?”

Customer: “I want to buy a dog.”

Me: “We don’t sell dogs or cats here. Our company has a policy against it because of the number of unwanted dogs in animal shelters.”

Customer: “What the h*** are you talking about? Of course you sell dogs. They’re right there!”

Me: “Actually, that’s our grooming salon, where customers can bring their pets for a haircut or bath. Would you like me to show you the adoption computer?”

Customer: “It’s nice that you’re making the dogs pretty for me. Now, when can I see them?”

Me: “Those dogs belong to other people, sir. It’s a grooming salon.”

Customer: *sighs* “Fine, I get it. They’re all sold.”

(The customer sees a woman walking by with a Labrador on a leash.)

Customer: “I’ll take that one, then. I can get a discount since it’s a floor model, right?”

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Customer: “Hi, I would like four tickets for Avatar 3-D.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, we don’t have projectors capable of 3-D. We are showing Avatar in traditional 2-D. Is that alright?”

Customer: “Oh, so, no 3-D? Sure! Thanks for letting me know!”

Me: “No problem, sir. That will be $31.50.”

(The customer pays for the four tickets.)

Me: “Thank you very much. Enjoy your show!”

Customer: “Thanks! Now, where do we get our 2-D glasses?”

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