(My mom is watching me play a popular video game where you can throw your hat to “capture” different enemies and use their powers. One such enemy throws fireballs. I’m attempting to capture this enemy, but just as I throw my hat, he throws a fireball. The hat knocks the fire back into the enemy, killing it.)
Me: “Well, that backfired.”
(Beat.)
Mom: “Seriously?”
Me: “I swear, I didn’t mean to make a pun!”
(I am an English teacher in the days before computers, word processors, spell check, etc. In freshman English, I assign a paper as homework on the first day, to evaluate the level of ability I am dealing with in the new class. After the paper has been graded, a very irate mother storms into my class with a girl in tow.)
Mother: “Are you Mrs. [My Name]?!”
Me: “Yes, I am.”
Mother: “What’s the meaning of giving my daughter a D on this paper? She has never had less than an A in junior high school!”
Me: “Forty-six spelling and grammatical errors in a two-page, hand-written paper does not get an A. The only reason I gave a D instead of an F was that the idea presented was good.”
(The mother splutters on about only the idea being important, not the spelling, and then says she is going to take it up with the principal.)
Me: “Be my guest.”
(Needless to say, the issue died a quiet death, and by the end of the year the girl was writing A and B papers legitimately. It makes you wonder about the junior high school teachers who passed her on.)
(My daughter’s car is in the shop, and as a result she and I are sharing my car for a few days. I have some errands to run before she goes to work.)
Me: “I’m leaving now, but I’ll be back in time for you to go to work. Do you want me to leave my spare keys, in case you have to go anywhere before I get back?”
Daughter: “Um… Mom? Think about what you just said.”
Me: “This conversation never happened.”
(She was still laughing as I walked out the door.)
(I work at a middle school office, and parents need to bring in a doctor’s note if their student missed school because of an appointment. One day, a mother walks in with a note.)
Mother: “I’d like to clear my child’s absence. He had a dentist’s appointment.” *makes no move to hand me a note*
Me: “Sure thing! However, to verify your child was at the dentist, we need a—”
Mother: *interrupting* “That’s fine! I know the date! It was January 8th, 2015!”
Me: “I’m sorry, but… Wait. Did you just say, ‘2015’?”
Mother: “YES! What, are you deaf or something?”
Me: “That was four years ago. There’s only three grades in middle school. Your kid doesn’t even attend this school anymore, ma’am.”
Mother: *now nearly shouting* “BUT I KNOW THE DATE! YOU NEED TO CLEAR THIS! I CAN’T LET THIS GET ON MY SON’S PERMANENT RECORD!”
Me: “Ma’am, even if your child still attended this school, I could not excuse it, because it’s long after the gradebook closed for the year. You don’t need to worry about his permanent record; that’s only for—”
Mother: “AGH! FORGET IT! YOU’RE JUST BEING UNREASONABLE!” *storms out of the office*
(Once I am legally able to gamble, my dad takes me to a Las Vegas casino so I can try it out.)
Dad: “Here’s how they get you and you lose your money. Say you use a quarter on the slots.”
(I put a quarter in and I get a few spins for it. I win $0.50.)
Me: “You call this losing?”
Dad: “No, no, watch. Try again.”
(I reuse the $0.50 on more spins. I win $1. He continues to try to show me how I’ll lose my money on the slots, with me adding smart aleck comments, as my winnings jump to $3, then $5.)
Me: “Boy howdy, you sure do know how to teach me the ways in which slot machines will s*** me over.”
Dad: “It seems that way, but winning and losing can come in streaks. And the losing is what eats up your money. Just keep trying.”
(Long story short, the slot machine continues to grant me little winnings in chump change. I finally call a stop when I have about $25, and cash it out.)
Dad: “Fine, so, that machine was out to prove me wrong. Let’s try a different game.”
(We went to the Keno counter and got a ticket each. Dad lost. I won a few hundred dollars. We tried blackjack, and I won a number of rounds there, too. That trip became a family legend, as I left with roughly $2,500 in winnings from Dad’s attempt to show me how someone can “lose all their money.” I do know that gambling can be an addiction, and that it can break somebody very easily, but that one day the entire casino seemed to conspire to troll my father!)
