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On Mother’s Day You Have To Be A Mother

, , , | Related | September 1, 2017

(It’s Mother’s Day. After opening all the cards and gifts from my kids and husband, I tell him I want to go out by myself in the afternoon.)

Husband: “Sure! You can go anytime… Just let me know when you’re leaving. I’ll watch the kids.”

Me: “Okay… thanks.”

(Then I realize I need to finish looking up some information on the Internet for my dad, which takes me at least an hour. When I’m finally done, I call out to my husband.)

Me: “Okay, I’m heading out now.”

(No response from him.)

Me: “[Husband]? I’m going now…” *still no response*

(I then head toward our TV room, to discover the kids watching TV and playing on the iPad, and my husband IN DEEP SLEEP in the recliner! I could have simply gone out anyway… but then, right at that moment, both kids needed some adult assistance. Guess who didn’t wake up… and guess who gave up her “me time” afternoon?  On the plus side: My husband took me, and the kids, out to a favorite Italian restaurant for dinner that evening.)

Mom Has Gone A Bit Bird-Brained

, , , | Related | August 31, 2017

(My mother and I rescue a little sparrow that fell from the nest. After much talking about it, she keeps insisting that we have to release it as soon as possible, even though I’d like to wait a bit to make sure he grows strong and healthy enough. After much insistence on her part, we go to a nearby park and release the little guy. The very next day, this conversation happens:)

Mother: “Don’t you feel bad about him?”

Me: “What?”

Mother: “The little birdie. I miss him. Why did we release him?”

Me: “You were the one who kept insisting on it, Mom.”

Mother: “Yes, but we really shouldn’t have. What if some cat finds him? I don’t want to think about that. We should take him back.”

Me: “Good luck with that.”

Mother: “You’re coming with me.”

Me: “Wait, what?”

Mother: “We’re going to the park and search for him.”

Me: “Mom, it was a sparrow. A normal sparrow. There’s hundreds of them at the park at any given time, and they probably fly all around the city. It’s impossible to find that one.”

Mother: “No, we’re going to get him back. You released him; it’s your responsibility!”

Me: “I only did it because you kept asking me to do it!”

Mother: “You are just being lazy. Stop whining and come with me.”

(In the end, we spent three hours roaming the park, while she kept asking anyone passing by if they had “seen a little bird”, much to their amusement. Obviously, the bird never came back.)

Hear Yourself Before You Speak

, , , , , | Related | August 30, 2017

(My brother and his wife are over for dinner one night, and while we are setting the table, my brother notices a little dish with my father’s hearing aids in it. He didn’t know Dad had gotten them, he’s never seen them out of his ears.)

Brother: “What are those? Hearing aids?”

Me: “Yeah, they aren’t in Dad’s ears right now. Did you not know he had them?”

Brother: “No.” *to Dad* “When did you get your hearing aids?”

Dad: *in the living room* “What?”

(My brother and I laugh at him, and he looks on, confused.)

Me: “I couldn’t have scripted that better if I wanted to.”

Mother Of The Fear

, , , , | Related | August 29, 2017

(It’s the last period of the day, and when we get to class, we see that our normally all-natural teacher has her hair in lopsided pigtails, and her face made up to look like something I can only describe as Effie Trinket if she were moonlighting as Jared Leto’s Joker.)

Us: “Uh, what’s up with your face today?”

Teacher: “My five-year-old daughters woke up early this morning and decided to help me get ready for work by doing my hair and makeup…”

(We have to at least give her props for being such a mother of the year that she’d go to work looking that terrifying to make her daughters happy, and stay like that the entire day.)

Dumb As A Pile Of Rocks

, , | Related | August 28, 2017

(My father has taken us to a remote mountainous area to show where his forebears lived. It’s starting to get late and we decide to head home, but it’s obvious that Dad has gotten lost and we are driving around the mountain tracks. I am about ten-years-old and have recently joined the Girl Guides.)

Dad: “All this is just looking the same. It has to be this way.” *takes turn*

Me: “Dad, can you stop for a minute? I want to try something.”

Dad: “Oh, for God’s sake.” *stops the car* “Do what you want, but it’s not going to help.”

(I get out and pile up a small cairn of rocks by the side of the car.)

Me: “Okay, we can go now.”

Dad: “Waste of time that was.” *We drive for another ten minutes.* “Finally, here’s the turn off we have to take.”

Me: “No, it’s not the turn off, keep going straight.”

Dad: “So, what makes you the expert in driving?”

Me: “That’s my pile of rocks there.”

Dad: “What? ” *looks at the pile* “Are you sure?”

Mum: “Yes, she’s sure, just go straight.”

(We had been literally driving in circles around the top of a mountain for almost an hour, the turn off we needed was a few hundred metres down the track.)