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Defeats The Porpoise

, , , , , , | Right | January 27, 2010

Child: “Mister, how do the waves work?” *points to wave pool*

Me: “There are big machines out the back that make the waves, mate.”

Child: “But my daddy says there are dolphins in cages that make the waves.”

Me: “Sorry, buddy, no dolphins.”

(Ten minutes later…)

Father: “You told my son there aren’t any dolphins.”

Me: “There aren’t.”

Father: “This is false advertising! Where are the dolphins?! I was told there were dolphins!”

Me: “Nope, no dolphins.”

Father: *brief silence* “How about whales?”

Serious Lack Of Lumber-standing

, , , , , | Right | January 15, 2010

(A woman comes into my shop to buy some skirting board for her house. After a good long while of her calling home to find out the measurements of what she needs, I give her the price.)

Customer: “How long will it take?”

Me: “About a week and a half. It has to be made specially in our factory.”

Customer: “Well, that’s no good. I have to collect the children from school in an hour!”


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A Minor Truth

, , , , , | Right | January 14, 2010

(We have some yogurt and tomato paste which come in two packs. A customer will often come up with one tub, the one which will have no barcode on it, and we have to go find the other one in the pair.)

Me: “Oh, this is just a single. Do you have the other half?”

Customer: “No, it was just like this on the shelf.”

Me: “Okay, well these come in two packs. Did you see the other one of the shelf?”

Customer: “Yeah, I did, I’ll just go get it.”

(The customer goes and gets the other half.)

Customer’s Child: “Mummy, where did you go?”

Customer: “I had to go get the other half of this.”

Customer’s Child: “But didn’t you just break that in half?”

Customer: “No, I didn’t.”

Customer’s Child: “Yes, you did.”

Customer: “No, it was just like this.”

Customer’s Child: “Yes, you did! I remember you saying you only need one, why should you pay for two? And then you broke it off.”

Customer: “All right; all right. Here’s some money. Why don’t you go and get a toy out of the vending machine?”


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Talk The Talk, Balk The Walk

, , , , , , | Right | January 13, 2010

(The customer has two daughters, each with their own set of clothes for their toys.)

Customer: *to one daughter* “Since your shoes match her purse, you girls can share the two between you.”

Me: *to the same daughter* “Oh, what a good idea! Do you always share with your sister?”

Daughter: “Yeah, Mom says, ‘Sharing is caring.'”

Me: *to the customer* “Ma’am, your total is [price]. Would you like to donate a dollar to our charity?”

Customer: “No, thanks, I’ve spent enough of my money today!”


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Bus(ted)

, , , | Right | January 11, 2010

(A woman enters the bus with her son.)

Me: “Excuse me, ma’am. Your son didn’t pay the fare.”

Customer: “But children are free!”

Me: “No, ma’am. Children’s fare is currently at seventy-five cents.”

Customer: “Well, I’m not paying that! It’s free!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but you’ve been misinformed. Children still have to pay a fare to ride the bus.”

Customer: “No, they don’t! You’re just trying to scam me!”

Me: “The farebox is locked, and is only accessed at the end of my shift, when I’m long gone.”

Customer: *pointing to the farebox* “You’re lying! This thing opens right up!”

Me: “If you can open it, your son can ride free.”

(The customer proceeds to struggle with the box for some minutes.)

Customer: “Seventy-five cents, you said?”