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A Mother Who Will Never Be Out-Dated

, , , , | Right | November 11, 2009

(A middle-aged woman comes to the front desk of our hotel. Note that I am also a woman and my coworker is a man.)

Customer: “Where are all the women at?”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “The women! The good-looking women!”

Me: “I’m not sure I understand.”

Customer: “My son just started college and he wants a woman. Where should I go to get him a woman?”

Me: “I’m not interested in women, so I wouldn’t know.”

Customer: *to coworker* “You! Hey, you. Where should I go to get ladies?”

Coworker: “Has he tried the college campus?”

Customer: “They’re all ugly. I want to get my son a hot chick!”

Coworker: “Okay, this is a small town. He should look around. A bar?”

Customer: “He’s not 21.”

Me: “The grocery store? I don’t know.”

Customer: “But where would you go?”

Me: “Ask at the visitors’ center. Have a good day!”

Moms: Gotta Love ‘Em, Part 2

, , , | Right | November 4, 2009

Me: “Thank you for calling [Store]. How may I direct your call?”

Customer: “Can you tell me if you have a product in your store? I have a code from an old receipt.”

Me: “Sure.”

(I pull up my terminal and she gives me the number. The screen gives me information for a very specific brand of condom.)

Me: “Yes, we have six in stock.”

Customer: “Wait, you have some? Last time I was in you were out. I need that specific product. See, I have this deal with my son. I buy him condoms and he doesn’t provide me with grandbabies.”

Me: “That’s nice.”

Customer: “Can I buy those condoms over the phone and have them sent to my son? I don’t want grandbabies until he’s out of grad school, and he’s on the east coast.”

Me: “No, ma’am. You can buy them online and have them shipped to a store near him.”

Customer: “Well, he doesn’t have a car. Can they be shipped to his house from your store?”

Me: “I’m sorry, but no. You could come in and buy them and ship to him yourself?”

Customer: “I guess I’ll have to do that. But knowing my luck, I’d run into everyone I knew while I was there. Thanks!”


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Seven Sons For Seven Burgers

, , , | Right | November 3, 2009

Customer: “You seem a bit slow. Is this your first day?”

Me: “Actually, it is. I’m sorry if I held you up.”

Customer: “No problem. You’ll get the hang of it. I should know. I have seven sons, and they all work at fast food places just like you.”

Me: “Oh, that’s nice!”

Customer: “No, it’s not. It’s pathetic and disappointing!”


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Sins Of The Father

, , , , | Right | October 27, 2009

Me: “How can I help you?”

Customer: “I can’t do that thingy.”

Me: “I’m sorry, what thingy?”

Customer: “Emails. It keeps saying error 421. I never put that number in.”

Me: “That’s an error number. Can you tell me what lights are flashing on the modem?”

Customer: “What’s that?”

Me: “It’s a small box with cables running into it. It will have a lot of lights flickering on it.”

Customer: “The box with the blinky lights?”

Me: “Yes, that should be it.”

Customer: “Oh, I thought my son put that in here to annoy me, so I unplugged it!”


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A Small Fish In An Even Smaller Pond

, , , , | Right | October 20, 2009

(At the pool where I work, we usually give swim tests to young children who want to go swimming in the deep section without a parent.)

Mother: “Can my son take the swim test?”

Me: “Sure, how old is he?”

Mother: “He’s three, but he’s a very good swimmer! He doesn’t even use water-wings in our pool!”

Me: “All right, let’s see you jump in! Swim to the other side and come back.”

(The boy jumps in and starts swimming, badly.)

Mother: “You’re doing great, sweetie!”

(The boy, still struggling, turns around, swims back to the ladder, and climbs up.)

Mother: “So, he passed, right?!”

Me: “No.”

Mother: “What?! Why? I can’t believe you won’t let my son swim out there!”

Me: “Well, your son clearly is not a strong swimmer and I feel it’s not safe to let him go.”

Mother: “No, my son is a great swimmer! He spends every summer swimming!”

Me: “What kind of pool do you guys have?”

Mother: “A kiddie pool.”