(My friend is severely allergic to peanuts.)

Waitress: “What would you like? Our specials are [list of specials].”

Friend: “I’ll have [meal], please. But does that have peanuts?”

Waitress: “Let me check.”

(She runs to the kitchen to ask someone.)

Other Customer: “Pasta doesn’t have peanuts, idiot.”

Friend: “Actually, some foods have traces of peanuts that you can’t taste. I happen to be allergic, so if I eat it, I could wind up in the ER.”

Other Customer: “That’s made-up!”

Me: “Actually, allergies are real things that really happen. And yeah, they can be life-threatening.”

Other Customer: “No, they are not! Allergies are sneezing. She’s making this up to get attention!”

Me: “Umm…”

Waitress: “No, it’s peanut-free.”

Other Customer: “I told you, you dumb b****! You want attention!”

Me: “Um, you’re the one making a spectacle.”

(The offending customer was removed and my friend got a free meal. Thanks, idiot customer, for the free pasta.)

(This occurs when I am in college. I enter my dorm and I am walking to my room when I pass one of my housemates. Note that I am wearing a t-shirt with the sentence, “How about a nice game of chess?” on it, a reference to the movie “WarGames.”)

Housemate: “Hey, I didn’t know you played chess!”

Me: “What?” *looks down at my shirt* “Oh, no. It’s a movie reference. You ever seen WarGames?”

Housemate: “No.”

Me: “Oh. Well, uh, okay. See ya.”

Housemate: “So, do you want to play chess with me?”

Me: “Nah, I don’t play chess. I’m terrible at it.”

Housemate: *suddenly becomes hostile* “Well, you know, you really shouldn’t be wearing that shirt if you don’t play chess! You’re giving people the wrong idea about you!” *walks into his room and slams the door*

Me: *weakly* “It’s… a movie reference?”

(Previously, my sister and I got into a fight. It was really bad, and she left shortly after to return to her boarding school, so we never reconciled. Now it is Christmas Day. By the way, I am around thirteen.)

Me: *eagerly opening a gift* “Ooh! This one’s from Grandma!”

Me: *begins tearing the wrapping to reveal* “…a singing sleepy-time Minion?”

(The Minion was one of those toys that sings a lullaby and comes with a nightlight to make kids less scared of the dark. Also, I despise Minions. Both of my sisters burst out laughing, especially the sister I fought with. Apparently, my grandma asked that sister what I would like for Christmas. Since she was still mad at me, she answered, “Minion stuff.” My grandma thought that I, a thirteen-year-old, needed a Minion lullaby machine. Needless to say, that wasn’t my favorite gift.)

(It’s the day after Christmas and my boss decided to keep our small dry-cleaning store open even though many of our regular customers are on vacation. There are several employees currently working, including myself. Our store lights are on and there are several cars in our parking lot. I am standing in front of the store at the counter waiting to greet and serve customers.)

Me: *greets customer that just walked into the store* “Hello!”

Customer: *walks up to me with a confused expression* “Are you guys open today?”

Me: *hesitating to answer because I’m not sure if he’s joking* “Yes… we are!”

Customer: *looking relieved* “Oh, good! I have a coat in my car that needs cleaning. I’ll go get it!”

(As the customer left to retrieve the coat in his vehicle I looked around me to figure out why he could have possibly thought we were closed. Lights on, several employees busy completing tasks throughout the store, a parking lot with cars in it, and an unlocked door. I just laughed and shook my head before the customer came back in with his coat.)

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(It’s two days after Christmas. I haven’t had a day off in weeks, I have a cold, my coworker is out sick, and our sales system is down, so I have to do every sale manually on paper. I’m not in a great mood and am doing my best to keep it together. This lady really tries my patience.)

Me: “Your total is [total].”

Lady: “Wait, that’s with the 50% off?”

Me: “Only the holiday items are 50% off.”

Lady: “What?”

Me: “Only holiday items are 50% off right now.”

Lady: “Well, your sign says 50% off.”

Me: “Yes, 50% off all holiday items. ‘Holiday’ is actually the largest word on the sign.”

Lady: “Well, it isn’t very clear.”

Me: “Okay.”

Lady: “Well, I guess, where’s your holiday stuff, then?”

Me: “Over here on this table in front of the door that say,s ‘HOLIDAY ITEMS,’ on it.”

Lady: “Well, there isn’t much there.”

Me: “No, most of these holidays are over or almost over.”

Lady: “Well, that’s useless. Anything else on sale at all?”

Me: “We have a buy-two-get-one-free on noodle bowls, and some of our ceramic ware is 20% off.”

Lady: “50% off bowls?”

Me: “No. Buy-two-get-one-free on noodle bowls.”

Lady: “I don’t want noodle bowls.”

Me: *as blandly as I can manage* “Okay.”

Lady: “Well… I guess there’s nothing I want, then.”

Me: “Okay, have a nice day.”

(I need a vacation.)

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