I am a new starter at an ice cream and dairy dessert place.

Coworker: “So the new ice cream delivery always comes on a Friday. It always needs two people and a manager.”

Me: “Oh wow, is there always that much?”

Coworker: “Well, no. It’s a policy that was introduced after Mr. Eardrums. Liabilities and all that.”

Me: “Uh, who is that?”

Coworker: “Oh! I thought someone told you. A year or so ago, we had some guy working here who thought it would be a good idea to fill a two-liter bottle with dry ice from the ice cream shipment and water. He sealed the cap in the produce cooler. He just… kinda… stood right beside it when it went off. The cashiers up front thought someone dropped a pallet on the floor in the back.”

Me: “What an idiot! Wait… isn’t the cooler soundproof?”

Coworker: “Yeah.”

Me: “So how did the cashier hear it all the way at the front?”

Coworker: “That’s why we called him Mr. Eardrums… on account of his bursting.”

I’m a new hire in the office. After years of retail, it’s nice to finally get an office job.

Boss: “This is [Coworker]. He’s going to train you on how to use the software.”

Me: “Thanks!”

I sit down with the coworker, and he notices the thick binder I am carrying around with me.

Coworker: “Is that the guidebook they gave you at training?”

Me: “Yeah, they said I would need it when learning about the software.”

Coworker: “Can I check it real quick? I need to remember what the real rules are, and which ones we as an office created out of trauma…”

I wordlessly handed the binder over to him. I went to get a snack after he spent ten minutes browsing it, saying:

Coworker: “We don’t do that… we’ve never done that… legally we’re supposed to do this, but nope… haha, they wish we did that…”

I’m working at a Christmas Tree yard/lot for the holidays. I’m training a seasonal employee.

Me: “So we need to water each tree every day, preferably in the morning so that—”

New Hire: “—why?”

Me: “Why what?”

New Hire: “Why do we need to water the trees?”

Me: “To keep them as fresh as possible. Customers buy them right up to Christmas Eve, so—”

New Hire: “—wait, these are real trees?”

Me: “…uh, of course.”

New Hire: “Like… actual trees?”

Me: “Did you think we were only selling fake trees?”

New Hire: “I didn’t know these were real trees. I don’t do nature.”

He walked out of the lot and never came back. He lasted about two hours. I have no idea what happened…

Related:
Customer Versus Mother Nature, Part 3
Customer Versus Mother Nature, Part 2
Customer Versus Mother Nature

I work at a department store on one of London’s busiest shopping streets and am talking to a coworker. We work in the Christmas department, and it is her first day.

Coworker: “So what is it that we need to do?”

Me: “Well, it’s mostly tidying up shelves, helping customers…”

Just then, we hear the sound of glass breaking.

Me: “…And cleaning up baubles.”

I’m a greeter at a large big box store. An old lady in a mobility scooter drives into the store. I have to admit she’s going quite fast.

About five seconds after she’s entered the store, I see one of the parking lot coworkers come running in, panting.

Coworker: “That old lady…” *Breathes.* “The one who just drove in on the scooter.” *Breathes.* “That’s ‘Gotcha Lady’! She’s banned!”

Me: “Oh! I didn’t know!”

Coworker: “It’s okay, you’re new. Radio [Manager] and tell her that ‘Gotcha Lady’ is back.”

I do so, but then ask:

Me: “Why is she called ‘Gotcha Lady’?”

Coworker: “She intentionally targets staff and tries to run over their feet with her scooter. If she gets you, she shouts—”

We hear a nearby coworker shout in pain, followed by the cackle of maniacal laughter and an old woman saying:

Old Woman: “Gotcha!”

Coworker: “—that.”

[Manager] called the police, who arrived, identified her as a problem regular, and then called the assisted living facility she had ‘escaped’ from to come and get her.