I’m a new hire, talking with a coworker, when the store radios go off.

Radio Employee: “[Manager] required in [Department].”

Radio Manager: “I’m having my picture taken. Be there in five.”

Me: *To my coworker.* “Hey, that’s like the fifth time I’ve heard that. Why are so many people getting their picture taken?”

Coworker: “Oh! Ha! I guess no one told you the code. It means they’re taking a crap.”

Me: “That… is a very strange way to word it.”

Coworker: “It’s so any customer within earshot of the radio doesn’t know what we’re really saying. We used to use the phrase “I’m in the back office” but then a customer once complained that the automatic flush sensors in the bathroom were taking photos of people.”

Me: “The… what?!”

Coworker: “Yeah, some old guy thought we were taking pictures of our customers taking dumps. He would not be convinced otherwise, and he even called the police on us. The police just ended up escorting him out, hopefully to somewhere that helped him. Anyhoo, ever since then we’ve used the code “getting my picture taken” to let everyone else know we’re on the throne.”

Luckily, I never had a job important enough to need a radio, so I never had to use that phrase. I did hear it often enough, however, that I was worried for the bowels of my coworkers.

I was working as the local IT operations manager for a company, and I had a new guy start in our regional head office. His boss was based at the company head office in another country.

At our company, you had to have a company-provided PC; any other device would not be allowed to access the company Wi-Fi, and the switch port would lock if you connected to the local network.

The new guy was a contractor earning over $1000 per day. His boss didn’t want to provide him with a company PC as “they cost too much” (around $1200). So, the new guy was using his MacBook. He couldn’t access any corporate systems at all.

He came and saw me, and I advised him that he needed a company PC; there was no other option. I had assumed this was all sorted.

A few weeks later (and about $15,000 into the contract), he comes to me and complains that he can’t get any work done; his boss says we have to allow his Mac to work on the network. This would be complex and lengthy.

I call his boss and explain that the new guy is wasting lots of our money and my time by not being able to work. I explain that the most effective way to get him working is to supply a PC.

I’m told, “No! You must make his Mac work with our systems!” We have no Macs at all.

I mention to the boss that we have people starting and finishing all the time, and we have a lot of spare PCs in our storeroom. How about I supply him with a second-hand PC?

“Oh, okay then.” Problem solved.

I overhear my manager talking to a corporate department in charge of sending out signs for the store and sale materials.

Manager: “About the sale signs you want us to put up. Yes, the buy two, get one free. The signs need to specify that the cheapest item is free.”

Pause.

Manager: “Are you new?”

Pause.

Manager: “Because you expect our customers to just assume that is the case. These are the same customers who assumed the $20 TV stand came with the TV because it was in the picture.”

Pause.

Manager: “Then please tell me your name.”

Pause.

Manager: “So that when I direct every customer complaint to corporate, I can tell them the name of the employee who guaranteed me that this wouldn’t happen.”

Pause.

Manager: “Yes, I know it should be obvious, but you forget that we have three million customers nationwide, but they all take turns sharing the same brain cell, and if you’d spent more than a minute working the retail floor, you would know that.”

Pause.

Manager: “I thank you for your understanding, and I will expect the updated sale signs soon.”

I started my own software company when I was twenty years old. I’m now twenty-six.

When the company started, it was just me, working out of my spare bedroom. The company has grown in leaps and bounds, and now employs over sixty people. Given that we don’t do a lot of face-to-face interaction with the public, the office dress code is very lax.

This day in particular, I’m wearing jeans, a band t-shirt, and a leather jacket. I have interviews lined up for this morning for a personal assistant to help with the actual work side of things, as my receptionist is a wonderful, organized woman but not a software engineer.

I step onto the elevator running a little late, and there are three people in there dressed to the nines. This tips me off that they’re probably my interview candidates, since my employees NEVER wear suits or ties. I smile at them and step on, noticing the button for my floor is already pressed.

There are two men and one woman; one of the men smiles and asks for my floor, offering to push the button for me. I wave him off and tell the young woman I like her shoes. The second man speaks up.

Man #2: “Ugh, doesn’t ANYONE here know how to dress?!”

The other two look horrified. I realise they must have actually researched the company and recognised me from a photo somewhere. With blue hair and distinctive arm tattoos, I’m kind of hard to miss.

Me: “It’s a very relaxed dress code here.”

Man #2: “That’s no excuse. Dress for the job you want, not the job you have.”

The elevator opens up again on a different floor, and the marketing director steps on. I know he has a very important meeting later this morning, so for once he is actually dressed in a suit and tie. Before anyone can say anything, the candidate launches into another rant.

Man #2: “See? THAT’S how you dress for a company like this! What floor would you like, sir?”

My marketing director smirks and also selects my floor. The candidate immediately turns on the charm. He seems to think the guy in the suit is someone important and sucks up like nobody’s business. He references that he’s here to see “the boss” and lock this job down, acting confident as h*** the whole time.

He uses my last name several times but refers to me as “he”, which shows me he didn’t even Google my name for a PERSONAL ASSISTANT interview. 

My first name isn’t remotely unisex, so he must only know my surname. The other two candidates are stifling their giggles behind him while I watch, thoroughly bemused. The marketing director is honestly stirring him up at this point, telling him random facts about me, but carefully leaving gender out of it.

We finally get to my floor, and the elevator doors open. The marketing director and the candidates all get out, me a step behind them. My receptionist is waiting by the doors for the interview candidates to lead them to my office.

Receptionist: “Hello! Welcome to [Company]! I see you’ve already met [Marketing Director who has an androgynous name], and our CEO!”

The candidate doesn’t click. He instead falls over himself thinking the marketing director is the CEO. The other two candidates quietly shake my hand and introduce themselves, still giggling at the last candidate embarrassing himself five feet away. My receptionist looks confused.

Receptionist: “Okay, if you would like to follow me and Mrs. [My Last Name, also in the name of the company], we’ll head through to the office and get set up!”

I’ve never seen someone blanch so quickly. The mouthy candidate spun to look at me standing with the other candidates. The other male candidate apparently had some of his research for the interview stuffed into a folder and had pulled out a recent press interview printout with my name and photo clearly on it and held it up.

The other candidate sputtered for about ten seconds, then slunk back onto the elevator and left. We never saw him again. I hired the young male candidate less than two hours later, and the female candidate, while not a good fit for my department, ended up becoming a wonderful asset to our HR department. 

If you’re interviewing for a PA position, RESEARCH YOUR BOSS, PEOPLE!

When I lost my part-time job due to COVID, a good friend (let’s call her “Kate”) helped me get hired at the after-school learning center her dad owns. She did warn me, though, that her dad was unapologetically racist. I’ll call her dad “Owner”.

Anyway, [Owner] and [Manager] loved me as an employee. At the 2020 Christmas party, hosted at [Owner]’s house, I got offered the role of assistant manager. We chatted for a while after, and [Owner] and I briefly bonded over our dislike of corrupt establishment politicians. (I just prefer progressives, but I didn’t disclose that part).

I think he came out of that conversation with the incorrect assumption that I shared his politics (and social views), and his racist tendencies immediately got less subtle.

In January, [Manager] hired a new employee to fill in for the role I left. The new guy was a very-dark-skinned Indian man around my and Kate’s age (twenty-four at the time).

On this guy’s first day, [Owner] was visiting (he has another job so he only comes in on Mondays). Right before students start arriving, [Owner] pulls me aside and asks me to “keep an eye on [New Employee].”

I don’t remember the exact wording that followed, but basically… without saying anything directly, [Owner] implies that he suspected [New Employee] would steal something. Despite not saying the actual words, his intentions were clear, and it was the most overt racism he’d displayed so far.

So… I’ve kept an eye on [New Employee] ever since, watching him to make sure he succeeds. I made sure he had all the support he needed. I shielded him from [Owner]’s racism as much as I could. I invited him to grab drinks after work a few times, and we ended up becoming really good friends.

And last month, when I told [Owner] I had to leave at the end of this year, I knew no one else was interested in my position as [Assistant Director], so I got most of the staff to endorse him as my replacement. I’m now training him to take over for me.

But my favorite part in all of this is that at last year’s Christmas party.

I introduced [New Employee] to Kate. They clicked like no other couple I’ve ever seen and have now been dating for almost a year. [New Employee] proposed to Kate at Thanksgiving, and she said yes, and I know they’re definitely going to be trying for kids.

The week that [Owner] found out that they’re engaged, he didn’t come in on the Monday like he usually did, so I don’t know how he’s taking it.

Anyway, can’t wait for this year’s Christmas party!