We have a rewards program to get sale prices, discounts, and coupons. To use the rewards, we can scan the card or type in the customers’ phone numbers. When asking a customer if they are part of the program, I always say:

Me: “Do you have a [card] or phone number to enter?”

I long ago lost count of the number of people who say, “No,” but after I back out of that screen, they say, “But I do have a phone number!” Maybe it’s just me, but I don’t understand why they can’t put that answer all in one sentence!

I’m flying back from a sales conference in Vegas, and I am able to upgrade to a first-class seat. We have a very annoying sales VP that’s on the same flight. She is the snobby, entitled type who brags about having a full-time nanny and giant mansion in the suburbs, and she generally treats people who work for her like servants.

She sees me in a first-class seat as she is making her way to coach.

VP: “How did you get that seat?”

Me: “I used points to upgrade.”

As people are getting settled in, she makes her way back up to the first-class cabin.

VP: “I want to speak with the lead flight attendant.”

Lead Flight Attendant: “How can I help you?”

VP: “One of my underlings is sitting in first class, and I need to switch with him since I’m higher on the corporate ladder.”

The lead flight attendant can’t believe what he’s hearing, but she won’t take no for an answer. Finally…

Lead Flight Attendant: “Ma’am, you have to go back to her seat or you will be escorted from the plane.”

She trotted off back to coach after having made a complete a** of herself to the entire first-class cabin.

Twice every year since I was eight, I get what I call a sinus attack when the seasons change from summer to fall and from winter to spring. Basically, my sinuses go crazy — teary eyes, super runny nose, and sore throat — for five days. I’ll admit that it can look really bad, but I’m not contagious — I’ve been to the doctor a couple of times — and I can’t afford to miss ten days of work each year. This attack happens to land at the height of cold season.

I am scanning a customer’s groceries, having to occasionally blow my nose.

Customer: “You’d better not get me sick.”

Me: “I won’t. I’m not contagious; it’s just my allergies.”

Customer: “If you do, I’m going to sue you.”

Me: “Okay.”

I am thinking, “Yeah, right. You’ll forget about me.”

I forget about her. A week later, the customer comes up to me. I don’t recognize her immediately; she wasn’t the only one who was worried about me making them sick.

Customer: “I got sick.”

Me: “I’m sorry.”

Customer: “I missed three days of work.”

Me: “Okay.”

Customer: “Well, aren’t you going to pay me? You have to pay me for the days I missed work because you got me sick.”

Me: “No?”

Customer: “Well, I’m going to sue you! You made me miss work because you got me sick!”

Me: *Faking calm* “You do what you have to do.”

Customer: “You have to pay me.”

Me: “No.”

She walked away in a huff and I proceeded to freak out and ask my coworkers about what would happen to me. Of course, my coworkers pointed out that there would be no way she could prove I made her sick and that she could have gotten sick from touching the shopping carts, etc.

Obviously, I never heard from her again, but seriously, what did she think she was going to be able to get from a retail worker? And I wasn’t contagious!

Customer: “Excuse me, do you sell herbals?”

Me: “I’m not sure what you mean. Are you looking for vitamins, essential oils, or something else?”

Customer: “No, I’m looking for herbals!”

Me: “Okay, well, vitamins are on aisle two, in case that’s what you are looking for.”

Customer: “I don’t want vitamins. I want herbals. You know, herbals? H-E-R-B-A-L-S?”

Yes, he actually spelled out herbals, as if that would clarify the confusion. I sent him to talk to the pharmacist. She came up to me a few minutes later. Guess what he was looking for? Yep, vitamins. Oh, humanity.

My boyfriend and I have just placed an order at a coffee and waffle place. As we are heading outside to wait for our order, we run into another pair of customers. We kind of stare at each other for a moment, and then the woman points at the man with her.

Woman: “Hey, his mask just broke. Do you guys have a spare?”

I blink for a moment, a bit confused, because who carries around spare masks if they have their own cloth one? But I actually do have a spare because I traveled on a plane and bought a pack of masks to use. I only needed one but ended up getting five.

Me: “Yeah, actually. I should have one in the car.”

The woman’s eyes widen.

Woman: “I’m so sorry. I thought you worked here!”

I laughed and told her it was no problem.