Literally ROFL

, , , , , , , , | Working | July 4, 2018

Years ago, I was working at a bookstore with a cafe in it. I had always gotten along well with the cafe crew and liked to joke around with them. When the fad of drawing a mustache on your finger to hold up to your lip first became a thing, I thought they would get a kick out of it. One day, before my shift started, I went and stood in line in the cafe to get my drink, like I usually did, and when it was my turn at the register I smiled, held the drawn mustache up to my lip, and made my order.

My coworker let out a boisterous laugh, and then literally doubled over on the floor laughing. I was shocked at her reaction, as I was only expecting to get a chuckle out of her, not this kind of extreme response. I stood there embarrassed as the line of customers behind me was wondering what was happening. Another coworker in the cafe, upon seeing the cashier on the floor, let out a disgruntled sigh and stepped over her to come take my order, obviously annoyed with both of us. I sheepishly repeated my order, paid without a word, and stood to the side, red-faced and looking at the floor.

After that, I decided to cut back on horsing around with the cafe crew… At least where customers would be watching.

Well, That Plan Went Out The Windows

, , , , | Related | July 3, 2018

(In the early 90s, my parents get their first home computer. The learning curve is rather steep. I’m in the middle of doing something when my father confronts me.)

Father: “You were messing around with the computer and you deleted Windows!”

Me: “I didn’t delete Windows.”

Father: “It’s not there anymore.”

Me: “There’s a tab that says, ‘Exit to Windows.’ Click that.”

Father: *leaves and comes back* “It’s not there! You deleted Windows.”

Me: “I’ll have a look in a second, and don’t bother Mom; she’s asleep.”

(Seconds later, I hear him in the bedroom, waking my mother up.)

Father: “[My Name] deleted Windows!”

(I took him to the computer and clicked on the “Exit to Windows” tab. Lo and behold, I hadn’t deleted Windows.)

Online Offers To An Offline Brain

, , , , | Right | June 26, 2018

Me: “Thank you for calling [Pizza Place]. Will this be for delivery or carry-out tonight?”

Customer: “Neither, I want carry-out.”

Me: “All right. Can I get a phone number, please?”

Customer: “I don’t know my phone number.”

Me: “We need a number to make an account so we can call you back if there is an issue.”

Customer: “Well, I don’t know it.” *yelling to someone else* “HEY! WHAT’S MY NUMBER?!” *muffled response from background* “Does no one know my number? Whatever, I’ll give them my mom’s. It’s–” *says number so fast it’s impossible to understand*

Me: “Could you repeat that for me?”

(The customer sighs and repeats the number slowly with an attitude.)

Me: “Can I get your name?”

Customer: “It’s [Name #1]. Oh you know what, [Name #2]. Or how about just [Name #3].”

Me: “Okay, what can I…”

Customer: “Just put it under [Name #1].”

Me: “Um… Okay. What can I get for you tonight?”

Customer: “Can I hear your specials?”

Me: “First we have [special #1], or we also have [special #2].”

Customer: “What about [old special]?”

Me: “That deal ended a month ago.”

Customer: “That’s bulls***! I just got that last week from you guys! Whatever. Can you repeat the specials again?”

(I do.)

Customer: “How many pizzas do I get for [special #1]?”

Me: “Two.”

Customer: “I’ll take that, then.” *yelling into the background* “WHAT YOU GUYS WANT? I’M ORDERING PIZZA FROM [PIZZA PLACE]!” *muffled yelling which goes back and forth for a full minute* “On the first one, I want—” *starts naming off toppings*

Me: “Sir, [special #1] comes with a one-topping pizza and a specialty pizza. From the toppings you said, might I suggest [specialty pizza]?”

Customer: “Oh. Could you tell me all of your specialty pizzas?”

Me: “Well, we currently have over 25 of them.”

Customer: “I want to hear them all.”

(I go through all specialty pizzas, stopping every few to explain what toppings go on it.)

Customer: “I’ll just take [specialty pizza I suggested in the first place]. Can I get that on [stuffed specialty crust]?”

Me: “There is an extra charge for that. Will that be okay?”

Customer: “Why do I have to pay more for that?”

Me: “You’re paying for the cheese inside the crust.”

Customer: “Y’all are just trying to steal my money. I don’t want that, then; I want [different crust].”

Me: “All right. The second pizza?”

Customer: “Can I get three toppings?”

Me: “It comes with a one-topping pizza. If you’d like to add more there is an additional charge.”

Customer: “See?! I’ll take one with just pepperoni, then.”

Me: “Okay, are you going to need anything else today?”

Customer: “How much are your wings?”

(I tell him both portion sizes and prices.)

Customer: “Can I get some wings, then?”

Me: “How many would you like?”

Customer: “What are the sizes again?”

(I repeat them.)

Customer: “I’ll take [portion], then.”

Me: “Would you like them with or without the bone?”

Customer: “What’s the difference?”

Me: “Um… one has bones in them and the other doesn’t.”

Customer: “I want with bone.”

Me: “Breaded or unbreaded?”

Customer: “What do you mean breaded? What the hell is a breaded wing?”

Me: “It’s a wing with a flour breading on it, kind of like the extra crispy chicken at [Chicken Place].”

Customer: “Oh, give me the original, then.”

Me: “What kind of sauce?”

Customer: “What do you have?”

(I tell him all the flavors.)

Customer: “I’ll take hot.”

Me: “The mild, medium, or the really hot?”

Customer: “Why do you ask so many d*** questions? The mild.”

Me: “Will this complete your order today?”

Customer: “Could you repeat that to me?”

(I do.)

Customer: “You know what? Let’s change that pizza special to that other special that you told me about.”

(Another three minutes go by as I change nearly the entire order.)

Me: *repeats the order back one more time* “—and your total comes to [price].”

Customer: “Why is it so much?”

Me: *long, detailed explanation*

Customer: “Whatever. How long?”

Me: “It’ll be ready for you to pick up in about 15 minutes.” *puts order through*

Customer: “Pick up? You’re not going to deliver it to me?”

Me: “You asked for carry-out.”

Customer: “I thought that meant you were going to carry it out to me.”

Me: “No, carry-out is when you come to pick it up. I can switch it to delivery if you’d like. I just need your address.”

Customer: “It’s—” *to the background* “WHAT’S THE ADDRESS HERE?!” *muffled response* “It’s [address that doesn’t come up in my system].”

Me: “Is the street name spelled [Street]?”

Customer: “I guess.”

Me: “You don’t appear to be in my delivery area; where are you guys located, exactly?”

Customer: “[Municipality].”

Me: “Oh, unfortunately we don’t deliver to [Municipality], and—”

Customer: “Then who does?”

Me: “No one. There is no [Store] that delivers to that area.”

Customer: “Well, why the f*** not?”

Me: “There were stores there a few years ago that closed down.”

Customer: “Can’t you guys just deliver to me, anyway?”

Me: “Unfortunately, that’s against company policy.”

Customer: “Why did those stores shut down?”

Me: “Theft.”

Customer: “Oh, so you’re saying that if you deliver here, you’re going to get robbed?”

Me: “I’m not saying that at all. I’m saying we can’t deliver there because our delivery line ends at [Other Street] and you are on the other side. You can still come pick the order up. It’s already in the oven; it should only be about another eight minutes or so until it’s ready.”

Customer: “No, f*** you. You guys are a bunch of d*** Nazis!” *click*

(That, ladies and gentlemen, is the reason why most delivery places are promoting online ordering rather than the telephone.)

Unfiltered Story #115232

, , | Unfiltered | June 26, 2018

Customer comes into the store.  He’s upset about a bad customer service experience.  He goes over to my coworker…

Customer: *Long rant about service*

Coworker: “I’m very sorry about that.  Let me see what I can do to fix it.”

Customer: “I asked to speak to the manager last time.  The guy working with me sent me over to him, but then the other guy told me he was the manager.”  *Looks over at me*  “I’ll bet it was HIM!”

“YOU!  What’s your name?”

Me: (Yeah, I was an idiot and told him).

Customer: “If that wasn’t you, I’m sorry, but IF THAT WAS YOU, then you need to fix yourself because you are WRONG!  And if that wasn’t you, I’m sorry, but IF IT WAS, you’re wrong!”

Me: “Sir, it wasn’t me.  That was before I started working here.”  (It really was).

Customer: “Well, IF THAT WAS YOU, YOU NEED FO FIX YOURSELF!  IF IT WASN’T YOU, I’M SORRY, BUT IF IT WAS, YOU ARE WRONG!”

Me: “Sir, I already told you that I wasn’t here when that happened.  I’m sorry for your experience, but I can assure you that it wasn’t me because I wasn’t here.”

*Customer turns back over to my coworker, they finish resolving the problem, and he then comes back over to me*

“Once again, I’m sorry.”

Me: “Get out of here.”

You Won That Throwdown

, , , , , , | Right | June 13, 2018

(I work in a small specialty mall store, and my manager is awesome. Cell phones aren’t a thing yet, so we are very eager to help anyone and otherwise find ways to amuse ourselves. One day, a super-important-type comes in looking for a blacklight for his kid. The guy is an a**hole the entire half-hour I deal with him, and then I get to ring him up for his purchase.)

Me: “That’ll be [amount].” *extends hand for payment*

Customer: *throws a couple bills at me, deliberately under my outstretched hand, not saying anything*

Me: *digging for change; looks over at manager*

Manager: *nods in the affirmative*

Me: *throws change at rude guy* “Here’s your bag! Have a great day, and thanks for shopping with us!”

Manager: *laughing, walks to the back*

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