They’re Praying To Win

, , , , , | Learning | January 15, 2018

(I teach at a rough high school.)

Teacher: *looking out window* “Isn’t that beautiful? Those men outside, down on their knees praying?”

Me: “They’re shooting craps.”

Not Pregnant With Information

, , , , , , | Related | January 10, 2018

(My mother is the oldest of eight children. She is the first to marry and to start having children of her own. Of my mother’s children, I am the eldest. All of my mother’s siblings marry and proceed to have children of their own throughout the course of my life. Every year, someone is announcing a wedding, a pregnancy, or a birth. While I am genuinely happy for my ever-growing extended family, I don’t feel the same amount of joy as my mother does, due to the fact that I never get to see these relatives except for every couple of years, as opposed to my mother who visits everyone once or twice a year. I’m 20 years old and attending college out of state, so my only communication with my parents is a weekly phone call, which is usually brief. I’m home for Christmas break when my mother’s youngest sibling — my youngest aunt — calls. Note: this takes place when social media is in its infancy and most people don’t have a Facebook page.)

Mother: “Hello?” *pause* “Oh, that’s wonderful! I’m really glad everything went well.” *pause* “Don’t worry; I’ll call [various Aunts and Uncles] and let them know, too.” *pause* “You rest and take it easy. Love you. Bye.”

Me: “What’s going on with [Youngest Aunt]?”

Mother: “What do you mean? She just had the baby!”

Me: “Huh… She and the baby are okay, I’m guessing?”

Mother: “Yes, yes, they’re both doing well. What do you mean, ‘huh’? Aren’t you excited?”

Me: “Mom, I didn’t know she was even pregnant.”

Mother: “Of course you did. She announced the pregnancy back in May at [Cousin]’s baptism.”

Me: “I didn’t go to that.”

Mother: “I told you about her baby shower I was going to back in October.”

Me: “You mentioned a baby shower, but you didn’t say who it was for. I assumed it was for one of your friends from church who had a daughter that was pregnant.”

Mother: “She was admitted yesterday morning!”

Me: “And I was on the road yesterday morning, if you remember. I didn’t get here until almost dinnertime.”

Mother: *dumbfounded* “I really didn’t tell you?”

Me: “I wouldn’t be surprised if only you and Dad knew, which is sad since [Youngest Sibling] still lives here.”

Mother: “You could at least be a little more excited!”

(As if on cue, my other two siblings head down the stairs, unaware of our conversation, and my mother shouts to them.)

Mother: “[Youngest Aunt] just had her baby!”

(The two of them look at each other, confused, then look towards me.)

Me: “I told you they didn’t know.” *to my siblings* “Apparently, we have another cousin.”

(For those who are curious, the cousin mentioned in this story was the last one, making twelve cousins, just on my mother’s side of the family.)

Can’t Credit Them With Any Military Intelligence

, , , , , | Friendly | December 30, 2017

(Our home number is really close to a number that Fort Leonard Wood has. About once or twice a month we get a call for them. I am 16 or 17 when I get this call at 7:00 am.)

Me: *mostly asleep* “Hello.”

Caller: “Yes, this is [Military Rank] [Caller]. I’m at the St. Louis airport. When is someone going to pick me up?”

Me: *silence*

Caller: “Hello?”

Me: “I’m sorry; you’ve gotten the wrong number.”

Caller: “Isn’t this [phone number]?”

Me: “Yes, but I’m a teenager in [Hometown], Missouri. I have nothing to do with Fort Leonard Wood.”

Caller: “Where the heck is [Hometown]?”

Me: “A small town in the middle of Missouri.”

Caller: “So, you don’t know who is going to pick me up?”

(My parents and I gave many people a geography lesson.)

Math Is High Art

, , , | Learning | December 12, 2017

(I have started college and go to an early-learning program to boost my math grade. On the last few days, an adviser is given to each student that pertains to our specific major. The college I attend is the same college my mother and father graduated from, but I am shocked when my adviser is my mother’s math teacher.)

Teacher: “Hello [My Name], it’s nice to meet you.”

Me: “Hello [Teacher], it’s nice to meet you, too. I don’t know if you remember her, but I’m [Mom]’s daughter.”

Teacher: “Oh, I remember her! The artist right?” *giggles* “And now you’re a math major?”

Me: “Yep, I’m hoping to become a math teacher.”

Teacher: “…and my daughter hopes to become an artist. Are we sure you and my daughter weren’t switched at birth?”

Oh, Hi-o!

, , , , , | Friendly | November 29, 2017

(I am a student library assistant at a small public library across from the administration building of an osteopathic medical school. One day, a woman who looks to be about the same age as my parents comes into the library. We strike up a conversation.)

Woman: “I haven’t been back here since my husband graduated from [Medical School].”

Me: “Where are you living now?”

Woman: “Columbus, Ohio.”

Me: “Oh, my family has friends there! Maybe you know them!”

Woman: *condescendingly* “I doubt we would know them. Columbus is a big city.”

Me: “Well, the husband is chief of surgery at [Major Osteopathic Medical Center in Columbus]. I just thought—”

Woman: “Oh! We do know him!”

Me: *quiet smile*

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