A Bit Slow To Realize

, , , , | Learning | September 25, 2017

(I am a very clumsy individual, and therefore fall down a lot. Since I fall so frequently, no one really pays attention to my trips, but I’ve had some really epic ones. I am walking down a flight of stairs, and I trip at the top. I proceed to have the slowest fall of my life. Everything is in slow motion as I roll down a flight of stairs. I reach out for the railing or people’s ankles, but everyone is just out of reach. Everyone stops and stares at me as I fall down. It isn’t until I am all the way on the ground level, laying on my back, that people realize that I wasn’t faking it.)

Random Student: “That was real?”

Me: “Yes, it was. Why would I fake falling down a flight of stairs?”

Random Student: “You just fell so slowly!”

(Hopefully, next time I fall down a flight of stairs, it’s not so slow, so I get help! I was all right, but was sore for a few days.)

Unfiltered Story #94389

, , , | Unfiltered | September 22, 2017

A group of my friends and I plan a trip to visit Six Flags. We spend weeks getting excited about it and the day finally arrives. We park in the parking lot and as we walk to the gates, I notice an unusually high number of rainbow stickers on cars. Then when we get into the park, we notice a lot of groups of scantily-clad effeminate men, and a lot of groups of butch women, lots of people of the same gender doing things out in the open that would get a straight couple kicked out of a public place, and more double entendres in conversations with strangers while standing in line than you could wave a rainbow flag at. Within an hour, everyone else in my group figured it out, too. Turns out there was a pride event in St. Louis the day before and it was agreed upon that everyone attending would go to Six Flags the next day, though it was apparently never officially sponsored by Six Flags. Gotta say I’m kinda glad we skipped the water park.

Also that day I ran into some people I went to high school with (who I know for sure weren’t there for the events, for the record). It was nice to say hi to them and then we went about our day.

Several weeks later I ran into one of those people from high school and we talked about our respective amusement park visits.

Me: “Yeah, that was a fun day. Especially amusing because it was gay day,” I said.

Friend: *confused* “Gay day?”

Me: “Yeah . . . did . . . did you not notice that well over half the people there were homosexual? They weren’t exactly being discreet about it. There was a pride event in St. Louis that weekend.”

Friend: *the lights suddenly turning on* “Oh my gosh! That explains so much!”

Parenting Takes All Six Of Your Senses

, , , , , | Related | September 20, 2017

(I am about eight years old, and my mom has allowed me to pick something out from a dollar store with money I’ve earned. I have a dollar and a few pennies in my wallet, and am excited to pick out a brand new toy. I quickly find one I like and approach the cash register.)

Cashier: “That will be one dollar, plus seven cents sales tax.”

Me: *not understanding why my toy isn’t one dollar* “Uh, seven cents?”

(The cashier nods politely as I pull out one dollar and six pennies from my wallet. Seeing that I am one penny short, I burst into tears.)

Cashier: *a bit startled* “Are you okay?”

Me: *trying to calm down* “I just need to talk to my mom for a minute.”

(I rush to my mom, flat-out sobbing. My mom isn’t even fazed as she hands me a penny from her own wallet without even asking what happened. I dry my eyes and buy my toy from the very confused cashier.)

Me: *as cheerfully as if nothing had happened* “Bye! Have a good day!”

Cashier: “Bye…”

(I learned two things that day. For one, parents are literally telepathic. And two, cashiers that have to put up with people like my younger self deserve lots of respect in return!)

Condimentally Challenged

, , , , , | Right | September 19, 2017

(A young male customer in baggy clothes shuffles into the drugstore where I work and walks up to me.)

Customer: “Uh, yeah, uh… do you guys have any condiments?”

(I lead him to the condiment aisle and gesture to the ketchup and mustard.)

Customer: “Uh, no, uh… that’s not what I wanted… you got any, you know, rubber gloves?”

(By this point, I have a fairly good idea of what he’s looking for, but I diligently lead him to the cleaning supply aisle and point out the rubber gloves with a smile.)

Customer: “Uh, nah, I’m looking for… you know…”

Me: “Sir, do you mean CONDOMS?”

Customer: “YEAH!”

(I hope he used them properly; he wasn’t ready to reproduce.)

Never Be Without A Paddle

, , , , , | Right | September 11, 2017

(I am the assistant manager for a very well known, nationwide novelty shop that also sells some adult intimate products. An older gentleman walks in, in his 60’s, and comes up to me. He looks like your average, blue-collar grandfather, in denim pants and a jacket, along with a plaid men’s work shirt.)

Guest: “Do you have a paddle?”

Me: “Well, not exactly. We have flails and crops. But the only paddle I have is thin, flimsy wood, and is meant as an over-the-hill birthday spanking gag gift. It’s not really sturdy enough for anything hard.”

Guest: “Well, I’d like to see it anyway.”

(I lead him to the item and show it to him. He smacks it against his hand several times to test it.)

Guest: “Well, I don’t know now, I like a good hard spank.”

(I didn’t need to know this. As he continues to test it, I pick up a set of purple suspenders with fake plastic breasts that was on the floor, and hang them up. He interrupts himself and points to the suspenders.)

Guest: “Now, are those just for women, or can a man wear them too?”

(This startles me slightly, but at this point in my job, not much shocks me anymore.)

Me: “Well, yeah, they are just an old age gag gift, too, but they are standard suspenders so they should be adjustable to fit a man.”

(His reply is 100% serious.)

Guest: “Oh, well that might be an idea then. I’m getting tired of stuffing my braziers.”

(I really didn’t need to know that. My professionalism takes over and he doesn’t get to see what I am really thinking, as I try not to laugh.)

Me: “Well, yeah, that should work for you. But as for this paddle, it is all we have. I suggest you go to [Nearby Adult Shop]. I am sure they are going to have what exactly you need.”

Guest: “Oh, well, all right. But I do like a good hard spank. If I can’t find one there, I will come back for this in a few weeks. I don’t really have a place to hide it you see, and my mistress is out of town for a few weeks. My wife would find it.”

(I certainly didn’t need to know that! Enter Extreme Professional Mode!)

Me: “All right, well, yes, [Other Shop] should absolutely have exactly what you need!

Guest: “All right, thank you!”

(As he walked out of my store, and I watched him go, thinking of all his surprising revelations to a complete stranger, I watched him reach behind himself, and lift his shirt slightly so that he might hike up his pants. In the process, I saw that he was wearing florescent pink, extremely frilly, women’s underwear. Needless to say, I went straight to the back-room and hit the floor laughing.)

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