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When Life Gives You Gay Lemons…

, , , , , | Right | June 21, 2019

(I work in a lemonade stand inside of a college football stadium, so, therefore, most of our customers are drunk college boys. We have two flavors: regular and sugar-free pink lemonade.)

Customer: “What kind of lemonade do you have?”

Me: “Well, we have regular and pink, which is sug—“

Customer: *cuts me off mid-sentence* “That’s gay! I’m not drinking pink lemonade. That’s gay!

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The World’s Oldest Profession Doesn’t Change

, , , , , | Friendly | June 7, 2019

(My friend and I are in the midst of a road trip and have pulled into a gas station. While I refuel the car, my friend goes inside to get us some drinks. There’s a woman in an extremely low-cut top hanging around by the door, and I can hear enough of what she’s calling to the people going by that I have a pretty good idea of what she’s doing. As my friend goes inside, he pauses and says something to her. Eventually, we all get back in the car.)

Me: “What’d you say to that woman?”

Friend: “Who?”

Me: “Over there by the door. I saw you talking to her.”

Friend: “Oh, it’s nothing. I just told her I didn’t have any change.”

Me: “Dude, she’s not begging. She’s a prostitute. She was propositioning you.”

Friend: “Wait, what?! I wasn’t listening! I just assumed she was asking for money!”

Me: “Well, technically, she was! She doesn’t do it for free!”

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Suddenly Feeling Very Sorry For That Sister

, , , , | Right | May 14, 2019

(I work in a small cigar store that doesn’t have the space for a public restroom. The one we do have is for employees only because it is in the back with the rest of the stock. A customer comes up to the counter.)

Me: “Did you find everything all right?”

Customer: “No! I need to pee. Where is your bathroom?!”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry, sir, but the only one we have is for employees only.”

(The customer stands by quietly while I finish ringing up his purchase.)

Customer: *unintelligible grumbling* “…right here!”

Me: “Excuse me, sir?”

Customer: “I said, ‘What if I peed right here?’ I don’t know if I can hold it.”

Me:Please do not pee here, sir!”

Customer: *as he’s walking out* “I’ll call my sister! She’ll know what to do!”

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The (In The) Red Wedding

, , , , , | Friendly | April 8, 2019

(After Hurricane Katrina, my church sends a group of volunteers several times to a “sister parish” in Mississippi to help clean up and rebuild. During one such trip, I drive with a younger priest originally from Vietnam to the nearby home improvement store to buy some supplies we need and pick up some stuff ordered previously. We go up to the business desk where the clerk and priest greet each other, obviously knowing each other well. After the clerk rings up the purchases, the priest and clerk immediately begin serious dickering over the total. After much back and forth, eventually, they settle on about 10% off after the priest promises to officiate the weddings of both the clerk’s children for free. Just then, the priest remembers something we have forgotten and runs off to get it.)

Me: “You know, the church doesn’t actually charge for weddings.”

(Note: they do suggest a stipend.)

Clerk: “Oh, I know that. We would have given you guys the 10% off, anyway, but Father loves to dicker, so I let him have his fun!”

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Daddy Issues All Over The Country

, , , , , | Friendly | March 21, 2019

(My family has a running joke that my dad knows everyone; this fact will be important later. I moved to Alabama from Louisiana about six months before this story. It is an eight-hour drive from one city to the other. My partner and I are three hours into the drive to visit my family when a tire pops on the interstate. Our spare is also ruined, and was supposed to be replaced a month ago at a visit to the tire shop. It takes about three hours to get to the tire shop from the interstate and to get news about the state of our tires. At this point, it’s not looking hopeful. The salesman tells us the tire and spare are both no good, and he has none in the same size. But, LUCKILY, he has a tire that was special ordered to be picked up that day, but the man who ordered it had to reschedule pickup for a few days longer. So, he sells us the tire and reorders for the other customer. We are paying, and the guy asks where we are headed:)

Me: “I’m from [City] in Louisiana, so we’re going to visit my family.”

Salesman: “That’s where I was born and raised. Who’s your kin?”

Me: “[Last Name].”

Salesman: “Oh, I went to high school with a [Dad], [Aunt], and [Cousin].

(My partner starts laughing while I just sigh.)

Me: “My dad is [Dad]. And he does literally know everyone, no matter where I go!”

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