Has Been Volunteering That Information

, , , , , | Right | August 9, 2017

(I live very close to a library and often go there to help out. The librarians all know and respect me. I am however, quite young.)

Librarian: “Hello, [My Name].”

Me: “Hello! Anything you need done today?”

Librarian: “Could you shelve the books?”

(I start shelving the books — a whole cart full — when this particular patron comes in.)

Patron: *looking at me* “You know, you really shouldn’t be messing with their books. They work hard to shelve them!”

Me: “I am shelving them. I volunteer here.”

Patron: “No, you don’t! You’re too young to be working here!”

Me: “I don’t work here. I volunteer here.”

(The patron keeps badgering me, so I ignore her and keep working. When I’m almost done with the cart, she comes back.)

Patron: “Why are you still messing with the books? You don’t work here!”

Me: “Fine! Ask me anything about this library; I’ll answer correctly.”

Patron: “How much for printing?”

Me: “A black and white page is 25 cents, a color text page is one dollar, and a color image is two dollars.”

Patron: “Anyone can do that.” *seeing a librarian come out of the back room* “Miss! Did you know this girl has been messing up your books for the past hour?”

Librarian: “[My Name]? No, she was shelving them. She volunteers here.”

Patron: *taken aback* “Well, I bet she shelved them wrong.”

Librarian: *doing a quick run through* “Nope. They are all here. [My Name], how about a cookie?”

(I march myself into the back room, get a cookie, and eat it in front of the awestruck patron.)

Patron: *huffs and angrily stomps out of the library*

Me: “By the way, those books are due back in two weeks!”

I’ll Have The Turkey Fish

, , , | Right | August 7, 2017

(I am second in line at a local sandwich shop. The customer in front of me has a laughable exchange with the employee.)

Employee: “Hello. How may I help you?”

Customer: “What kind of meats are on the [Sandwich]?”

Employee: “Ham, salami, and pepperoni.”

Customer: “Are any of those turkey?”

Employee: *hesitates for a few seconds looking puzzled* “No.”

Customer: “I will have a tuna sub on wheat bread.”

I Propose A Roast!

, , , , | Friendly | June 25, 2017

Friend #1: *exceedingly drunk* “I just want to lay on the fire and roast. Friend #2, lie on it with me! We can hug each other and burn like an Oreo sandwich. [My Name], do you want to watch two guys roasting on a fire?”

Me: “Uhm… I’d rather not. Besides, I’d probably munch on your corpses, and do you want your last memory to be some weird fat chick eating your body?”

Friend #1: “Dude! You’re not fat!”

Me: *laughing* “I love that THAT is what you took issue with in that whole thing.”

Not The Way You Traditionally Drop Acid

, , , | Learning | June 16, 2017

(I am getting my degree in biochemistry and taking a lab course. One of the labs is to ‘digest’ leafy greens to determine the metal content. The greens are digested by boiling them in concentrated nitric acid. Somehow I forget you aren’t supposed to pipette an acid, and while trying to measure the nitric acid, the bulb slips. I feel one drop hit my skin and it starts to burn, so I stick my arm under running water.)

Professor: “Spilled acid on yourself?”

Me: “Yeah.”

Professor: “Nitric acid burns tend to turn orange, so don’t be alarmed if that happens.”

(I was very disappointed; my acid burn didn’t turn orange.)

In The Name Of Fraud

, , , , , | Right | June 15, 2017

(I work behind the service desk of a grocery store that offers Western Union. For fraud protection, the max amount of money you can send to someone without requiring ID (but must require a test question) is $299.00. For the past few months, a gentleman going by the name Willis would stop in to send money to the same two people every day. He claims that both of those people do not have ID and will send the max amount. After a week of this, I sense something odd going on so I talk to my manager. She waves it off and tells me to keep sending the money. This goes on for a few months until I’m sent to a different store for some training. As I’m closing up the desk at the store I’m training at, I’m sorting through some Western Unions and notice very familiar handwriting along with a very familiar address… The only problem is that the sender is going by the name ‘Thompson.’ The next day I’m back at my old store and Willis/Thompson walks up to send more money.)

Me: “I’m sorry but I can’t send money today.”

Customer: “Why not? You had no problem before.”

Me: “Because I can’t tell if you’re Willis today or Thompson. Which is it?”

(The customer hurried out of the store. It’s been three months and I haven’t seen the man return.)

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