Getting Nice Homely Calls From Customers

, , , , | Right | December 20, 2017

(I work in an adult store that’s in the same building as a topless club. I answer the phone for both businesses.)

Caller: “How much is it to take one of the girls home?”

Me: “You can’t do that.”

Caller: “I’m sure some of them do that. Can’t you just ask them?”

Me: “No. You. Can. Not. Do. That.”

Caller: “Oh, come on. I’m sure that’s going on.”

Me: *click*

You Need Coffee For Callers Like This

, , , | Right | December 18, 2017

(I work in an adult store that’s in the same building as a topless club. I answer their phone as well as ours, but most people call with questions about the club.)

Caller: “How’s it looking down there?”

(We get this question a lot, and I honestly don’t know if they would prefer it be packed or empty, so I usually respond the same way.)

Me: “I don’t know. I answer the phone in the adult store next door.”

Caller: “Oh, really? What’s your favorite thing in the adult store?

Me: *rolling my eyes* “I don’t have a favorite.”

Caller: “Oh, come on!”

Me: *looking around quickly* “My [Coffee Maker]. Does that work for you? My [Coffee Maker] is my favorite thing here.”

Caller: “Well, that’s no fun.”

Me: “It is for me. I really like coffee.” *click*

Adult Stores Gets The Least Adult Calls

, , , | Right | December 15, 2017

(I work in an adult store, but I answer the phone both for us and for the topless club next door. Most people call with questions about the topless club.)

Caller: “What are the qualifications to work there?”

Me: “You have to be 18.”

Caller: “Oh, okay. That’s it?”

Me: “Yep. You’d have to fill out an application and talk to a manager.”

Caller: “Oh, okay. Well, I’m real pretty.”

Me: “Okay.”

Caller: “I mean, I’m a little thick, but some guys like that.”

Me: “Uh-huh.”

Caller: “And I have a few burn scars. See, I grew up in the ghetto. Let me just start from when I was born—”

Me: *click*

Rife With Ignorance

, , , , | Working | December 12, 2017

(My boss, a person with a Master’s degree, is writing an article for a professional publication, and despite the fact that I am just the receptionist, he asks me to proofread it for him because his assistant has the day off. It’s a good article about something I agree with, so I’m happy to help out with making sure it’s right. I find a problem almost immediately.)

Me: “I don’t think you meant to say ‘bereft’ in this sentence. Is there a word you would prefer in this spot?”

Boss: “Yes, I did! I said it’s bereft with dishonest people, as in there are too many of them! Don’t tell me what I mean.”

Me: “Okay…”

(I don’t really know what to say because he’s wrong, but he’s also yelling, and he isn’t known for changing his mind or listening to reason.)

Boss: *looks at the article, then back at me* “Why? What does ‘bereft’ mean?”

Me: *taken aback* “It means deprived or lacking, so the sentence actually says that we’re lacking dishonest people.”

Boss: “Oh. Well, that’s not what I mean at all. I mean there’s too many of them.”

Me: “So… we’re rife with dishonest people.”

Boss: “Yes… change it to that.”

(He went into his office and told Siri to define “rife.”)

Those Who Live In Glass Tents…

, , , , , | Right | December 11, 2017

(Every summer I work a series of festivals that my mother’s friend organizes. I am only fifteen, but because of my people skills I am tasked with a lot of face time with our clients, and I supervise a team of about 15 employees. One day we are having a horrible storm, including violent winds, and I’m going around helping people secure their tents.)

Me: “Excuse me, can I help you secure any of your merchandise?”

Vendor: “I’d prefer it if you didn’t touch any of my art.”

(I note that she seems to be selling blown glass in a minimally-secured tent.)

Me: “Are you sure, ma’am? These winds are quite strong.”

Vendor: “I’ll be fine; I’m sure.”

(The next day I’m checking out the vendors. I reach the same woman and I notice her tent is gone and she is selling a much smaller quantity of pieces off a table.)

Me: “Hello, how are you this morning?”

Vendor: “Horrible! All of my merchandise was destroyed yesterday when my tent blew over, and not a single one of you or your coworkers offered to help me!”

(I am not surprised that this happened, but I am surprised to hear none of my staff helped her, even though it is not their job.)

Me: “Well, I’m shocked none of my staff assisted you, and I apologize.”

(I heard later that not only had three of my staff attempted to assist her, my supervisor and one of the festival sponsors tried to help. She shrieked at every single one of them for “touching her art,” and she even emailed my mother’s friend to complain. We all just laughed at her apparent stupidity.)

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