Milking The Comments Box For All It’s Worth

, , , | Right | September 13, 2017

(I work at a grocery store that offers customers 50 free fuel points in exchange for a survey.  Whenever a customer completes a survey, they get 50 fuel points added onto their rewards card. The survey also comes with a comments section, which associates can read off a paper in the back room. This is one of them.)

Comment: “I WASN’T SURE HOW TO TELL THE BAGGER I WANTED MY MILK IN A BAG WHEN THEY ASKED BECAUSE I DID NOT WANT MY MILK TO LEAK. SURE ENOUGH, AS SOON AS I GOT HOME, MY MILK HAD LEAKED.

(A simple “yes” would suffice when baggers ask if the customer wants their milk in a bag…)

Nothing Fun About Minimum Wage

, , , , | Working | September 11, 2017

Boss: “So, [My Name], what do you do for fun?”

Me: “You don’t pay me enough to afford ‘fun’.”

Don’t Have A Cow, Man

, , , | Related | August 28, 2017

(My family is visiting some close friends. I am about twelve, and the friends’ daughters are eight and ten. We are sitting around the table enjoying dinner. My dad thinks he’s hilarious. He looks over at their youngest daughter’s plate.)

Dad: “Oh, you know that’s monkey meat right?”

(My friends’ parents start frantically waving their hands in the “No” and “Stop” fashion.)

Dad: “Oh… I’m just kidding; that’s really just cow meat.”

(My friends parents wave more frantically.)

Friend’s Dad: “[Dad], stop… right now meat comes from the store.”

The Truth Is A Dish Best Served Clean

, , , | Related | August 23, 2017

(My family has a magnet on the dishwasher that says clean when turned one way and dirty when turned the other. One day, I go to get a snack and find no clean plates. The dishwasher magnet is turned to clean, though, so I pull a plate out of the dishwasher and use that. When I’m done eating, I start unloading the dishwasher. My sister walks in and looks at what I’m doing in confusion.)

Sister: “Why are you unloading the dishwasher?”

Me: “Because that’s what you do with clean dishes.”

Sister: “But they’re not… Oh. Oops!”

Me: *stopping unloading* “Oops?”

Sister: *looking guilty* “I may have forgotten to turn the magnet around.”

Me: *thinking that at least the plate was rinsed* “All right. Help me get the dirty dishes back in the dishwasher.”

Sister: *still looking guilty*

Me: “[Sister]. What is it?”

Sister: “[Dog] may have licked off some of the dishes.”

Me: “Ew! He licks his own butt! I ate off one of those plates.”

Sister: *still looking guilty*

Me: “There’s more?”

Sister: “When I took him for a walk earlier… I swear I stopped him as soon as I could, but…”

Me: “What did he eat?”

Sister: “Some other dog’s poop.”

Me: *leaving the dishes* “Okay, this is now officially your mess to clean up. Excuse me while I go throw up.”

(I wish I could say she was more careful with the magnet after that, but she was not. At least I learned to always check if the dishes are actually clean.)

Pranking You From The Basement To The Attic

, , , , , | Working | August 12, 2017

(I work for an ice cream parlor with a 1920’s style. It is a fun place to work, but we have our share of pranking. I am leaning on the counter of the main soda fountain.)

Jerk: “Hey, [My Name], don’t lean on the counter! It warps the marble.”

Me: “Oh, BS. No, it doesn’t.”

Jerk: “Sure it does. Look at the surface!”

(He gets his eyes level with the marble counter top so I mimic his behavior to look for myself, but unknown to me he’s armed with a whip-cream can almost on empty so it’s capable of spewing foam like a squirt gun. I got a face full of whipped cream from across the counter. Oh, and “Jerk” is the job title for a soda jerk. Come to think of it, he was just a jerk. Other times we would get a new hire to go hunting in the back room for blueberry topping. Plausible, I suppose, but there was no such thing. One time the rookie managed to get two others helping him look. Sometimes we would send a new guy looking for something in the basement. The restaurant was built on a slab and it was obvious (I certainly didn’t bite when it was tried on me). Eventually the new guy would discover that a basement was impossible. But to complete this prank, you needed a manager’s help. It went a bit like this:)

Employee: “Hey, the manager says to get a box of straw hats from the attic.”

New Hire: “Yeah, right. Pull the other one. I already got taken by the basement gag.”

Employee: “No, seriously, the manager said to get them from the attic.”

New Hire: “Go away!”

Employee: “Suit yourself”

(Shortly after that the manager storms up to the new hire.)

Manager: “You were supposed get hats from the attic.”

New Hire: *stammering* “But there’s no attic!”

Manager: “Come here!”

(The manager leads the employee to a conspicuous chain by the break room and tugs down the ladder. The employee turns red, but never actually gets in trouble. On one of my last days there, late in the year, one other employee (also about to quit) tells me he’s put liquid detergent in the gas tank of the lawnmower. That sucker was never going start. I pitied the poor employee who got the task of trying to start that thing in the spring. The last I checked, lawnmowers don’t run on soap suds.)

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