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Possession Is Nine Tenths Of The Law

, , , , , | Friendly | November 17, 2020

My husband and I recently bought a home and property, and we have an apple orchard. We own the whole orchard, but we let our neighbors take as many apples as they want. One day, my neighbor comes up to me.

Neighbor: “How do you know [Woman Whose Name I Don’t Recognize]?”

Me: “I don’t. Who is that?”

Neighbor: “Oh, she’s a local crazy. She’s been taking some of your apples from the orchard. I’ll tell her to stop.”

Me: “Please do. I only let certain people take some apples.”

A few days later, I’m sitting with the door open when a big SUV rolls right over my mailbox and a lady sticks her head out and starts shouting at me. Then, she takes off.

A few days after that, I’m working on my car outside when the same SUV pulls up and the same woman gets out.

Woman: “I demand that you give me some apples!”

Me: “Whoa. First of all, who are you?”

Woman: “I’m [Woman]. My parents owned this house before those other people stole it and then you bought it. So I demand apples!”

Me: “No way. This house and land were legally bought and purchased, along with the apple orchard. So get off my property now, before I call [Sheriff].”

The woman spits out an angry tirade of random words and then gets back in her SUV, nearly runs over the cat, and drives away.

She still tries to steal apples from our orchard, but now we’ve installed video cameras to catch her and any other would-be thieves. She was warned to stay away several times by neighbors and police, but she insists that the house and land rightfully belong to her.

Has A Problem Espresso-ing Herself, Part 2

, , , , | Right | August 1, 2020

A customer orders at the drive-thru.

Customer: “I want a caramel macchiato frappuccino.”

This is not a real thing.

Me: “Okay, so you want a caramel frappuccino with espresso poured on top?”

Customer: “No! I want a caramel macchiato frappuccino! I get this every day!”

She doesn’t.

Me: “Ma’am, we make caramel frappuccinos and we make caramel macchiatos; they are two different beverages. One is hot; one is cold.”


Me: “All right.”

I make a caramel frappuccino and pour espresso on top because that is what macchiato is. The customer pays for beverage and snatches her drink before speeding away, only to turn right back around in the parking lot and stomp into the café, shaking the beverage in my face.

Customer: “WHAT IS THIS?!”

Me: “That is a caramel macchiato frappuccino.”

Has A Problem Espresso-ing Herself

The Problem Googled Itself

, , , | Right | July 30, 2020

Our campground has a Wi-Fi network.

Old Lady: “I’m having a hard time ‘hooking to my Wi-Fi.’”

Me: “What site are you on?”

Old Lady: “Site 84.”

Me: “Try moving to the clubhouse; your site is too far away.”

She comes back up later, still unable to get connected.

Old Lady: “I still can’t get hooked up. I’m trying to search for [Campground Network] like you told me to, and it’s not finding anything. I brought my laptop so I can show you.”

Me: “Okay, let’s see what’s going on.”

The old lady begins retracing her steps and I’m forced to stop her as she begins typing [Campground Network] into Google.

Me: “You should get a job in tech support! You’re already online!”

We’ve All Bean There

, , , | Right | June 10, 2020

I work at a restaurant that also has a coffee bar. I work in the kitchen and don’t know anything about the coffee bar. The barista is speed-walking towards me.

Barista: “I need some help!”

Me: “I don’t know anything about the coffee bar.”

Barista: “No, it’s a customer.”

Me: “Okay, I don’t think I can help, again, but what’s wrong?”

Barista: “She ordered a vanilla latte but she said it tastes like a vanilla bean latte.”

Me: “Do we sell vanilla bean lattes?”

Barista: “No.”

We ended up remaking it for her. It was perfect this time, somehow.

Proof That Listening Is An Artform

, , , , | Right | May 3, 2020

These all happen within about three hours of each other when I greet customers on my shift. Each one is a different customer.

Me: “Hi, welcome to [Restaurant.]”

Customer #1: “Fine, thank you.”


Me: “How are you today?”

Customer #2: “There are three of us.”


Me: “How many?”

Customer #3: “Fine, thank you.”


Me: “Are you paying all together?”

Customer #4: “No, I am paying for everyone.”


Me: “How old are the kids?”

Three-year-olds and under eat free.

Customer #5: “They are both three.”

Kid: “Nuh-uh! I’m five and she is four, Mama!”