My grandparents own a very nice camping trailer. One weekend, my grandpa takes it up north to spend some time with his hunting and fishing buddies. He gives my grandma a phone call before they leave and they exchange the normal I-love-yous and I’ll-miss-yous.

Grandma: “And tell you friends that I’ll skin them alive if they mess up my trailer.”

There’s dead silence on the other end.

Grandpa: “You’re on speakerphone.”

None of my grandpa’s friends made a mess in the trailer. My grandma still likes to brag about how she scared a half-dozen men with a single sentence.

I have a retired racing greyhound. Obviously, she loves to run, and one of the “rules” for adopting her was that she always has to either be in an enclosed area or on a leash. If she got out, we would never catch her!

We recently moved into a house with a fenced yard — yay! I ordered a sign for the gate that says, “Warning: There’s a greyhound in here. Keep gate closed at all times,” hoping that it would help the gate, you know, stay closed so I wouldn’t have to check it every time I let her out.

The very first person other than my fiancé and me to use the gate was a utility worker, coming to install a new water meter. As he needed to get into the basement, I told him to go around back and I would open the basement door. About an hour later, he was back at the front door to let me know he was finished. I’m sure you know where this is going.

Later, I noticed the gate was open. Luckily, we hadn’t actually moved the dog into the new house yet. We’re going to padlock the gate for extra security, but I’m a little bummed that my sign didn’t work at all. Although, as a reader of this site, I’m not sure what I expected.

I work drive-thru at a fast food restaurant, and we’ve been drive-thru only since the start of lockdown. We’re slammed as usual, and the phone starts ringing. My manager is busy getting orders out, so as a senior employee, I answer it.

Caller: “Hi, this is [Third-Party Delivery App]. I’m in the parking lot; can you just bring the order out so I don’t have to wait in line?”

Me: “[Delivery App] waits in line like everybody else. Have a nice day.”

I immediately hung up on him, shaking my head. Does the guy really think that any of us have time to run an order out to him?

Related:
Not Even In Line And Out Of Line, Part 2
Not Even In Line And Out Of Line

It is during graduation week, the busiest time of the year for restaurants in my city. Generally speaking, this specific crowd, which consists mostly of parents and families from out of town, can be quite demanding, impatient, and stingy.

My boss always gives me large parties because I can handle them. My trick is to handle large tables as if they are a kindergarten class. I make a seating chart on my server pad and no one orders “out of turn.” I also communicate everything, e.g. “Now I’m setting your silverware for your main course,” or, “I’ve just checked on your order and the chef said it will take about another five minutes. Anything I can bring you in the meantime?” etc.

I have a super obnoxious family of fourteen. They’re indecisive and ask a lot of questions and take their sweet time ordering. They also interrupt and talk over each other. But on top of that, they’re very impatient and demanding. One of the sons is also trying to hit on me while I’m taking his drink order:

Customer: “Uh, so, what’s, like, the manliest drink on the menu?”

I personally don’t like to categorize drinks this way. Alcohol is alcohol and everyone has their own personal taste. I always try to ask after customer’s preferences.

Me: “Well, what do you normally like to drink? Gin, vodka, bourbon, tequila?”

Customer: *With a dumb smirk* “What do you like to drink? I bet you like something sweet.”

Me: *Internally rolling my eyes* “Actually, I’m more of a bourbon or whiskey girl. If you’re looking for something a bit strong, I would recommend [particular drink]. It’s one of my personal favorites and it’s actually quite popular with a lot of customers.”

Customer: “Oh… umm… how about this strawberry mojito?”

Later, as I’m bringing their food, many of the customers at the table interrupt me to ask for little extra things before I have everyone’s meal on the table. For example, while I have my arms full of hot plates, the grandma asks me for “ready cheese.” I’m not completely sure what she means, but I assume she means Parmesan.

Me: “Of course. I’ll bring that for you as soon as I’m done getting this hot food out.”

Note to customers: please wait until everyone at your table has been served before you ask for extras like ketchup, napkins, extra sides, etc. That way we can ensure that everyone gets their food while it’s hot. Otherwise, you end up complaining later that not everyone got their food or that your food is cold.

Even though the table was difficult, I was able to organize everything pretty well and still attend to my other tables. The customers later called back that evening and they apparently told my manager that it was “the best service they ever had, but they were terrified of me.” Honestly, that’s the best compliment I’ve ever received as a server!

My manager is taking reservations for graduation weekend, one of the busiest times for restaurants in my town. She gets this call from a woman who wants to make a change to her reservation.

Caller: “I already made a reservation for grad week for five people, but I was wondering if we could reserve a bigger table, like for six people.”

Manager: “Are you adding another guest to your reservation?”

Caller: “No, it’s still five people; we just need a larger table.”

Manager: “I’m sorry, but we are completely booked for that weekend and we need the larger tables for the larger parties.”

Caller: *Sighs* “It’s just… my husband… he’s just so fat.”

Manager: *A bit taken aback* “Oh, well, umm… perhaps we could find a smaller table to add to yours, but I can’t promise anything, since the seating plan will already be a bit tight. I’ll see what we can do.”

Caller: “Okay, I guess that’ll work. He’s… just so fat.”

Manager: “Okay, well, is there anything else I can help you with?”

Caller: “No, that’s all. Thank you.” *Mumbling to herself* “…just so fat.”