One And One Makes Huh?

, , , | Right | November 20, 2019

Customer: “I want a large iced coffee.”

Me: “Okay, would you like cream or sugar in that? We usually do one-and-one.”

Customer: “Okay.”

Me: “So, one-and-one is all right?”

Customer: “One-and-one what?”

Me: “Er… cream and sugar.”

Customer: “For what?”

Me: “Um… for your iced coffee.”

Customer: “Okay.”

Me: *facepalm* “Okay, that will be [total] at the window, thank you.”

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Don’t Have A Cow, Mom!

, , , , | Related | November 19, 2019

(My middle school participates in a program that involves students helping out at a function for younger kids. I’m assigned to help in the petting zoo, which I’m really excited about since I love animals. I’m telling my mom about it afterward.)

Me: “They had a bunch of bunnies and a cranky alpaca. And there was this little calf named Valentine. He was so cute! He even sucked on my fingers!”

Mom: “Wait, what?”

Me: “Cows don’t have top teeth so he couldn’t bite me; he just sniffed at my fingers and then he started sucking. I swear I just melted. It was so cute!”

Mom: “That’s disgusting.”

Me: “It was adorable!”

(I still feel happy when I remember that little cow trusting me enough to suck on my fingers.)

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You Won That Rat Race

, , , , | Learning | November 18, 2019

(I’m in class. We’ve completed most of our work and our teacher is letting us have a bit of a study hall. The classroom is on the second floor and the window, which I am seated next to, provides a nice view of the grounds. I see another teacher go outside with her small dog, who has curly white fur. I have a soft spot for animals and generally prefer them to people.)

Me: “Hey, there’s a puppy!”

(Immediately, we all crowd to the window to see.)

Classmate #1: “Awww, it’s so cute!”

Classmate #2: “It looks like a rat!”

Me: “Hey, rats are cute, too!”

Classmate #3: “You think rats are cute?”

Me: “I think basically everything with fur is cute. Have you ever seen a baby fruit bat sucking on a pacifier? They’re adorable!”

(I still hold that bats, rats, and puppies are all equal levels of adorable.)

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Why Do Men Balk At The Thought Of Blood?

, , , , | Related | November 17, 2019

(My family is religious and typically goes to church every Sunday morning. This morning, I’ve been hit with some period cramps that hurt enough to make me opt out in favor of curling up with a heating blanket. While they’re gone, I realize that I’m running low on supplies, so I text my mother, asking if she can stop at the store to pick me up some more pads on the way home. She doesn’t respond for a while and I’m not sure if the message has even been delivered, even though I’m pretty sure the service is over by now. I text my dad with the same question and tell him that I tried to contact Mom but she hasn’t responded. When my family comes home, my mother bears the coveted supplies.)

Me: “Thank you!”

Mom: “You’re welcome. Sorry I didn’t see your text.”

Me: “It’s okay. What did Dad say when I sent the text to him?”

Mom: “He saw it and then just kind of shoved his phone at me and said, ‘Nope, you deal with this.’”

(I sometimes wonder how he’s survived this long with a wife and a menstruating daughter.)

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Wisdom Is Sometimes Blessed Upon The Young

, , , , , , | Related | November 16, 2019

When I’m fifteen, I have all four wisdom teeth out at once. I don’t see much point in whining or complaining about the pain, so I just set timers for when I can take my next dosage of pain meds — five total over-the-counter pills every six hours, plus an antibiotic three times a day — and distract myself with Disney movies and a Pokémon marathon.

The morning after the procedure, I’m drinking a smoothie and reading on my phone. My parents are having their own breakfast.

My mother turns to my father and says, “If you were in her place right now, you’d be bawling.”

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