Some People Say Video Games Are Unhealthy, But…

, , , , , | Related | June 11, 2021

I’m playing video games when my mom asks me to do something.

Me: “Yeah, just let me die a second.”

There’s a long pause.

Mom: “I know what you mean, but please never say that again.”

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Short Attention Spans, Man

, , , , | Working | June 7, 2021

When I attended college in the 1980s, I had an account with a bank in the town my college. Between school years, I closed and then reopened a checking account with them to avoid fees based on their account guidelines. The summer before junior year, I managed to save a bunch of money and had a cashier’s check to open a new account.

Bank: “I’m sorry, but because you closed two accounts with us within a year, we can’t open a new checking account for you.”

Okay, fine, that’s on me; I didn’t realize such a thing was policy.

Me: “All right. Can I at least cash this cashier’s check?”

Bank: “Sure. Do you have an account with us?”

Me: *Gobsmacked* “I’m trying to open one! I wouldn’t be trying to cash this cashier’s check if I had an account!”

Bank: “Well, I thought maybe you had a different kind of account with us.”

I never did business with that bank again.

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Cheap-Skating Around The Safety Laws

, , , , | Right | May 31, 2021

Caller: “What’s the cheapest vehicle you have available for rent?”

Me: *Checking the computer* “We have a two-door coupe for [price] a day. Did you want to reserve one today?”

Caller: “Yeah, I’ll take it! Is there, like, a passenger limit?”

Me: “There are only seat belts for up to five people.”

Caller: “Is that a strictly enforced rule or like a guideline?”

Me: “Well… it’s really safety and plain common sense not to have passengers riding without seat belts, especially in such a small vehicle. How many passengers do you have?”

Caller: “Well… there are twelve of us total.”

Me: “FOR A COUPE?!”

Yes, I suggested our vans. No, he wasn’t interested. And no, I didn’t book his reservation.

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You May Want Something Stronger Than Coffee

, , , , | Friendly | May 31, 2021

I am sitting and sipping on a coffee, all pepped up for the day, when these two pretty girls walk up.

Girl #1: “Excuse me. You’re [My Name], right?”

Me: *Perking up* “Yeah, do I know you?”

Girl #1: “My sister is your coworker, and I’m one of your followers on Facebook. I just wanted to say that I think you have a really nice and interesting personality, and your writing has me either totally cracking up or really thinking deep. You have such an interesting perspective on common issues. Honestly, I couldn’t personally date you myself because I don’t necessarily find you that attractive, but I just wanted to say I think you’ll make some girl out there really happy and I wish you the best of luck.”

I stare at her and an awkward silence falls.

Girl #1: “Oh, my God, that… totally came out all wrong, didn’t it?”

Me: “Yeah, thanks for walking up and politely telling me I’m too ugly to date. Anything else you’d care to depress me with?”

Girl #1: “Sorry, I—”

Her friend starts pushing her toward the door.

Girl #2: “Nice job, [Girl #1]!”

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Well, At Least He Learned Something…

, , , , , , , | Learning | May 29, 2021

Teacher: “For our next science test, I will award the person who scores the highest a $20 prize.”

To a ten-year-old kid back in the 1990s, this was serious cash.

A few days later, I went into the empty classroom during lunch break and spotted a stack of the aforementioned tests on the teacher’s desk. Devil horns sprouted out of my head as I grinned from ear to ear, snatched a test off the stack, and stuffed it in my backpack.

I figured the teacher would get suspicious of a C-average student suddenly scoring a perfect on a relatively difficult exam, so that evening when I was at home, I memorized that test forward, backward, out of order, sideways, upside down, and even made flashcards for myself. The following morning, I took the test, and the day after that — just as I was fully fearing — the teacher stopped me at the door as the class was filing in to begin the day and marched me straight to the principal’s office. After presenting her accusations and hearing my denial, they demanded I retake the test in front of them.

I wish I could describe the bewildered looks on their faces after the teacher graded my test, only for me to score another “perfect” score. The teacher then tried asking questions from the test out of order and then rewording the questions to trip me up into giving an incorrect answer. Then, suddenly, she flung the test down.

Teacher: “He’s not even hesitating to answer or taking any time to think!”

I ended walking out of that office feeling like Billy Bada**.

She later did give me the $20 — begrudgingly, with an “I know you did something” look on her face.

Does the story end there? Unfortunately for me… no. For the rest of the school year, every time a science test was approaching, the teacher would announce the date of the test, and would always end the announcement this way.

Teacher: *Ominously* “And I expect a certain someone in this classroom to score no less than 100%, or he will be in more trouble than he has even been in in his entire life!”

And for the rest of the school year, I made science my number one subject to focus 90% of my attention on, and I would spend hours frantically studying for each approaching test — far too terrified to score less than 100% each time. Once, I scored a 95% and nearly pissed myself.

Disclaimer: Cheating on schoolwork is something I now as an adult do not condone; you are only robbing yourself. I am only laughing at the humor of this situation which occurred nearly thirty years ago.

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