A Vicious Recycle

, , , , | Learning | November 25, 2019

(We’re in an assembly meant to review what we can and cannot recycle. The recycling speech is delivered by one of the science teachers who is known for not caring about what school officials think of her.)

Teacher: “I have a box here. It’s filled with this packing paper, which can be recycled.” *tosses paper into the recycling bin onstage* “I can also recycle the box.”

(The assisting student breaks down the box and throws it into the bin, as well, after handing the teacher its contents, a book in a sealed plastic bag.)

Teacher: “This plastic wrapping — recyclable.” *throws the plastic in the recycling bin* “And here we have ‘Dress Code by [Administrator].’”

(She unceremoniously threw the book in the bin. The entire student body cheered.)

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Padding For The Apocalypse

, , , , | Related | November 24, 2019

(I’m a little on the chubby side, much to my mother’s chagrin. I have a round face and a little pudge on my lower stomach, but I’m healthy, eat well, am nowhere near overweight, and like my body the way it is, extra padding and all. My mother sometimes gets on my case about my weight, which I suspect is just her projecting.)

Mom: “You know, you’d probably feel a lot better if you lost a couple of pounds.”

Me: *pats stomach* “I’ll last longer when the famine hits.”

(This usually gets her off the topic.)

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To Be Fair, That Sounds Like A Prom We’d All Enjoy

, , , , , | Friendly | November 24, 2019

(I’m talking with friends, one of whom is new to our group. I’m asexual and end up mentioning it.)

New Friend: “Wait, you’re ace?!”

Me: *thinking that he knew this already* “Yes?”

New Friend: “How did I not know this?!”

Me: “Where did you think my talking about wanting to go to prom with a stuffed animal in a bow tie came from?”

(He was supportive once he got over his initial surprise.)

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The Language(s) Of The Underworld

, , , , , | Friendly | November 22, 2019

(My friend and I are discussing music. I enjoy a number of non-English songs and have been humming all day, alternating between a Spanish song and a Celtic song.)

Me: *singing the upbeat Celtic song* “Teir abhaile riu, teir abhaile riu, teir abhaile riu Mhearain—“

Friend: “It sounds like you’re summoning a demon!”

Me: *laughing* “It’s not even Latin!”


Me: *starts singing an Italian lullaby* “Tu sei il mio soldatino…”

Friend: “That is a seance if I’ve ever heard one.”

Me: “It’s Italian!”

Friend: “SEANCE!”

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Pajama Drama, Part 6

, , , | Related | November 21, 2019

(When I’m in middle school, I catch a bad case of the flu. My family typically goes skiing on winter weekends, but since I’m sick and have schoolwork to do anyway, my parents decide to leave me with my grandparents. The “child handoff” happens at a home improvement store, since my grandmother has to check something there. We get my stuff in her car and then walk around the store before my grandmother takes me to her and my grandfather’s house. I’m not bored and am not self-conscious enough to feel embarrassed that I’m walking around in pajamas. After my parents get back and take me home, my grandmother mentions taking me into the store.)

Mom: “You took her into the store in her pajamas?”

Grandma: “Those were pajamas?! I thought they were like those lounge pants you see nowadays!”

(And that is how I once browsed light fixtures with my grandmother in second-hand pajamas.)

Pajama Drama, Part 5
Pajama Drama, Part 4
Pajama Drama, Part 3

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