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Fun With John And Jane

, , , , , , , | Romantic | May 27, 2022

My aunt (we’ll call her Jane) was dating a man (we’ll call him John) who was twenty-two years older than she was, and he eventually became her second husband. He pulled this gag on her at a store’s checkout.

As they approached the cashier’s station, John hung back, so it wasn’t obvious that they were together. Jane didn’t think anything of it and started placing her items on the belt. Just as she finished, John walked up and put a pack of gum on the belt. The cashier looked at my aunt, who said, “Go ahead.”

The cashier finished ringing her out and announced the total.

John: “I’ll get this.”

Jane: “It’s okay. I’ve got it.”

John: “I insist; it’s the least I can do.”

Jane: “Well, okay.”

He hands the cashier money and gets his change, and then…

John: “Now that I’ve paid for your purchase, will you tell me your name?”

Jane: “JOHN!”

Well, If She’s Getting Paid By The Hour…

, , , , , , | Working | May 23, 2022

One day, while at work, I received a call from a telemarketer trying to sell me life insurance. I was on my break, so I decided to have some fun with the caller. I gave her very vague and comical answers to all her questions. She then proceeded to transfer me to a licensed sales agent, which I ignored so he just hung up.

I thought they would just remove me from their call list, but a few months later, the same lady called me again! So we did the same routine. The answers I gave were the same ones I gave the first time. It went something like this.

After establishing my name and that I lived in Michigan, she started her questions:

Caller: “How old are you?”

Me: “Older than the womb but younger than the tomb.”

Caller: “That is funny, sir, but seriously, how old are you?”

Me: “Older than the womb but younger than the tomb.”

This repeated four more times before she went on to the next question.

Caller: “How tall are you, sir?”

Me: “Twelve inches to the foot.”

Caller: “Can you be more precise?”

Me: “I can stand on the floor but I cannot reach the ceiling.”

Caller: “Well, okay. Can you tell me how much you weigh?”

Me: “Sixteen ounces to the pound.”

I hear a little frustration in her tone as she goes to the next question.

Caller: “Can you tell me if you use any breathing apparatus?”

Me: “I have a nose, diaphragm, and lungs.”

Caller: “Does any of that plug into an outlet?”

Me: “There are no plugs in me.”

Caller: “Do you live in a nursing home or in a hospital?”

Me: “No.”

Caller: “Okay, I have enough information about you. I am now going to transfer you to a licensed agent to talk to you about life insurance.”

Me: No, you are not! You do not know one thing about me except my name and I live in Michigan!”

Caller: “You gave me all your information, sir.”

Me: “Really?! This is what I told you!”

I then went back through the questions and the answers I had given. Then, I asked her what specific information I gave her. She was silenced for a few seconds and then asked if I was interested in insurance.

Me: “With those vague answers I gave you, what do you think?”

Caller: “So, would you like me to remove your name from our call list?”

Me: *In a very sarcastic tone* “Yes!”

Caller: “Okay, sir, I removed your name and number from our list. Is there anything else I can help you with?”

Me: “Do you have another game we can play? I love playing games!”

She finally hung up. 

I don’t understand why she didn’t pick up on the fact I was just toying with her from the beginning.

If You Want It Done Right, Ask The Cat

, , | Related | May 21, 2022

Content Warning: Animal Death


Mom: “You have to see this!”

I came to the back porch to see what she was talking about. Our house was on an acre and a half, which meant a huge backyard. My father’s new mortal enemies were the moles in the yard. He had a dandelion spade and he was trying to use it to skewer where he thought a mole was.

We had a Shetland sheepdog. They aren’t diggers, but they are very smart, and our dog figured out what my dad was doing and decided to help, so she was out in the yard with him digging at molehills.

The family cat parked herself next to my mom and me to watch the slightly humorous spectacle of the “mole squad” failing to catch anything. 

The next morning:

Mom: “You have to see this!”

There on the porch, laid where we clearly would spot them, were two dead moles. The cat figured out what the mole squad was doing and finished the job during the night.

How You Tray-t Your Customers

, , , , , | Right | May 10, 2022

We had an old lady who would come in and get a sandwich and coffee. In the coffee, she wanted about an inch of water and two creams. Regardless of how many times you had taken her order, she would iterate that she wanted an inch of water and “twoooo creeeaaaaams.”

Fine, annoying, but we all knew her well enough to have her coffee ready by the time she made it to the counter.

In pre-health-crisis times, when we had trays for our customers, she would demand that someone bring her food to her table because she had a walker and couldn’t possibly carry it, especially with the coffee. Okay, valid, but she could’ve been so much nicer about it.

My problem with her excuse was that when she was ready for a refill on her coffee, she would bring her empty cup up and take her full cup back to her table. We offered to put her food in a bag to make it easier for her, as she could put the food in the bag on her walker, but she insisted on the tray and added that she couldn’t carry the coffee.

There was one time that we were exceptionally busy, and she made her usual demand. I told her I wasn’t sure if I would be able to bring her tray to her because of how busy we were. She said that we always did it and repeated her reason for not being able to carry it herself.

The most annoying part was that after we got rid of the trays for health reasons, she had no problem whatsoever carrying her coffee and her food to her car.

The Drama Of Dads And Drugs

, , , , , , | Related | May 5, 2022

I’m in college, home for the weekend, and I have a bad headache. I tend to take as little over-the-counter medication as possible to avoid building up an immunity, but my head is really bothering me, so I take ibuprofen. My dad sees me shake out a single pill.

Dad: “You okay?”

Me: “Yeah, just a bad headache.”

Dad: “Come on, at least take an adult dose!”

Me: “It’s fine. I’m good with just one.”

Mom: “You heard your dad. The answer is always more drugs.”

He yelled, “NO!” while we laughed.