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Raising Little Monsters… Literally

, , , , , | Right | June 6, 2022

It is back in the early 1990s when I am a child. I’m with my mother in the electronics section, and across from us, this kid who looks to be in his early adolescent years (somewhere from eleven to thirteen) picks up a Super Nintendo game.

Kid: “Mom, look! It’s the new Street Fighter game I was talking about, it’s finally here!”

Mom: “$70? How about no? Put it back. You’ve got plenty of Super Nintendo and Sega Genesis games already.”

Cue the ensuing, “But Mom!… Why?… Come on!” dialogue for the next minute.

Kid: “I’m not leaving the store until you buy this game.”

Mom: “Put it back. $70 for a game is too much.”

Kid: “You will buy this game.”

Mom: “[Kid], I have bills coming out of my ears I need to pay! I can’t be throwing money around!”

Kid: “You will buy this game.”

Mom: “It’s too expensive. Wait until next year when it’s cheaper. Let’s go.”

The mom begins to push her shopping basket away, and the kid sits on the floor in the middle of the aisle.

Mom: “You’re really going to do this?”

Kid: “I want this game. I’ve been waiting forever for it to come out on Super Nintendo.”

The mom snatches the game and flings it into the shopping basket while muttering profanities under her breath. My own mom turns and looks at a woman standing nearby, whose jaw is gaping open.

Woman: “I swear, if any of my kids ever spoke to me like that—”

My Mom: “Oh, you don’t have to tell me! Trust me!”

It doesn’t end there. We end up behind the duo in the checkout line.

Mom: “[Random Someone] will be coming over for a week at the end of the month—”

Kid: “I don’t want her there!”

Mom: “Well, something has come up with her situation—”

Kid: “I don’t care. I don’t want her over at our house.”

Mom: “[Kid], your dad and I already discussed this—”

Kid: “I said no and that’s final. Tell her to stay in a motel. End of discussion.”

Mom: *Huffing and slamming her items onto the conveyor belt*

To this day, I still fear what kind of nightmare that kid grew into and how many jobs he’s been fired from.

This Is Why We Have Drills

, , , , | Working | June 6, 2022

We’re required by our regulatory agency to conduct drills for various emergencies. My co-manager decides we should do an unannounced bomb threat drill. He’s going to call the office from his cell phone with a bomb threat. We have a very specific “threatening phone call” protocol posted by all phones that accept incoming calls, which lists instructions such as, “Keep the caller on the line,” and, “Signal to another employee to call 911,” etc. I can hear both my co-manager and the employee who answers the phone from my desk.

Employee: “Thank you for calling [Company]. How can I help you?”

Manager: *In a deep, threatening voice* “There’s a bomb in your building.”

Employee: “What?!”

Manager: “I put a bomb in your building!

Employee: “Oh, f*** you!” *Hangs up*

Needless to say, we failed the drill. All employees have been retrained on proper protocol, and that employee no longer works for the company. However, our bomb-threat protocol posted by the phone still says, “Ask [Employee].”

More Time At The Fishing Hole Might Help With That Road Rage

, , , , | Legal | June 6, 2022

I’m a woman in my early thirties and have been driving for over seventeen years. I have a pretty good driving record, only getting pulled over four times.

The fourth and most recent time I got pulled over happened when I was twenty-eight. I had moved up to Michigan’s Upper Peninsula and lived in a very rural area. It was summer and my sisters were up visiting me. We had spent the day on Lake Superior. We were all hungry and tired driving the forty-five minutes back to my house.

The speed limit was fifty-five, but the car in front of me was bouncing between forty and sixty miles an hour, driving me absolutely crazy. I didn’t have a clear way to pass them, and it seemed like every time I might have had a chance, they sped up. Finally, we came along a passing lane. 

For those that don’t know, passing lanes in the Upper Peninsula are when the two-lane roads add an extra lane on either side for a few miles to allow faster vehicles to pass slower vehicles. Usually, this lets people pass slower-moving logging trucks.

Seeing my chance, I got into the other lane and sped up to pass the car… which also sped up. I sped up even more because I was absolutely done with them and did not want to spend another twenty or so minutes behind them. Right as the lane ended and I was pulling in front of the car, I saw a state trooper in the oncoming lane. He went past, did a U-turn in the road, turned his lights on, and came after me. Great, just great. I pulled over. 

Trooper: “You were sure in a hurry! You were doing seventy-two in a fifty-five!”

Me: *Horrified* “WHAT?!”

He took my license and registration. I was freaking out. I had no idea I was going that fast. It was seventeen over the speed limit. I could get in serious trouble and possibly get my license suspended. My sisters were trying to help calm me down but weren’t having much luck.

The trooper came back to the car.

Trooper: “Where were you going in such a hurry?”

Me: “We spent the day at [Beach], and we’re headed back home and we’re really hungry.”

Trooper: “Oh, yeah, that’s a great place! There’s a nice fishing spot near there.”

Me: “Oh, yeah? Where?”

The trooper gave me directions to the fishing spot.

Trooper: “It’s pretty peaceful there, even if you don’t want to fish. I hope you ladies have a nice dinner when you get home. Just slow down, okay?”

Me: “Oh, absolutely, sir. Thank you. Have a goodnight!”

I still cannot believe that I did not get a ticket for that one. He could have given me a lesser speeding ticket, at the very least. He was super nice. I think he was just honestly concerned that I was driving so fast and wanted me to be safe.

I have been super careful since then and have not let my anger get the better of me. Knock wood, I haven’t been pulled over for any reason since then.

Just Take It With You, Pal

, , , , , | Learning | June 6, 2022

I was a grad student doing homework in the library. It’s not uncommon for students to ask other nearby students to keep an eye on their things if they have to briefly step away for things like using the restroom or going to fetch a book. 

As I was working, I noticed a fellow student waving to get my attention, and it sounded like she asked me to watch her laptop for four or five minutes, but I had my headphones in so I didn’t quite catch it.

I removed my headphones.

Me: “Sorry! What was that?”

Student: “I said, can you watch my stuff for forty-five minutes?”

Me: “Did you say forty-five?”

Student: “Yes.”

Me: “No, I’m sorry.”

She sighed in frustration, packed her things, and left. If it had been for a few minutes, I would have agreed, but I didn’t know how much longer I’d be there working, and I didn’t want to be responsible for someone else’s computer and bags for such a long time. I left twenty or thirty minutes later and she had not returned.

Str-Aww-berries

, , , , , | Right | June 4, 2022

As a kid, whenever I went to a sit-down restaurant that offered lemonade, I always asked if they had any strawberry lemonade. I loved strawberry lemonade but never got it at home.

I’m at a restaurant with my family and the waitress is taking our drink orders.

Waitress: “How about you?”

Me: “Do you have strawberry lemonade?”

Waitress: “I’m sorry, we don’t.”

Me: “That’s okay. I’ll have a Sprite, please.”

When she comes back with our drink order, she saves mine for last.

Waitress: “Guess what? I found some strawberry flavoring in the kitchen!”

She plunked down a strawberry lemonade in front of me. It tasted amazing. It’s been over a decade since then, but I still smile at her doing something she absolutely didn’t have to just to make a kid smile.