Can We At Least Agree That Herbs Are Good?

, , , | Right | December 2, 2020

I’m a cashier at a garden center. I also happen to practice witchcraft. A middle-aged woman comes up to my register with a bunch of plants to purchase. Everything is going fine and I’m checking her out as normal.

Me: “Oh, cool, herbs! I grow herbs, too!”

Customer: “What do you use them for?”

I’m a pretty open guy, and she asked, so I tell her.

Me: “Witchcraft and cooking!”

Customer: “Oh, okay.”

There is silence between us.

Customer: “How does that work?”

At this point, I’m really excited that someone is open to learning about my “taboo” beliefs.

Me: “Oh, well, I’ll use them to make incense, or I’ll make an oil with them to rub on candles and other things!”

The customer nods attentively. Then, with wide eyes and the most serious, expressive, shocked voice I’ve heard in retail, says:

Customer: “Have you heard of Jesus Christ?

I’m shocked but maintain composure.

Me: “Yes, I have. In fact, I was raised Lutheran.”

Customer: *Absolutely stunned* “WHAT HAPPENED?”

I’m doing my best not to offend her. She’s my customer, after all.

Me: “Uh, I just… examined my beliefs… and found them… to not fit how I see the world.”

Customer: “Then where do you go when you die?”

Me: *Pause* “Nowhere?”

The customer gave me a horrified look and began spouting on about my “satanic” practices. I twisted my upper body in a full 180 degrees, made eye contact with my manager, and mouthed, “HELP.” She promptly came over to help. Suddenly, the conversation dissipated into silence and everything went back to how it had been, if slightly more tense. I finished checking the lady out and she left.

If I’ve seen her again, I haven’t known it. Never did I think I’d be asked in America if I know who Jesus Christ is!

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Math Is Your Friend, Part 5

, , , | Right | October 27, 2020

We sell a variety of patio and paver stones of different sizes and prices. A customer comes to the register with a cartload of what are called mini flagstone blocks for building walls.

Customer: “I have forty of these blocks.”

Me: “Okay.”

I type in the product code. It enters and scans the price at $1.38 each. I also enter a quantity of forty.

Customer: “Wait, that’s wrong. They’re not $1.38. They’re five for $10.”

Me: “I’m sorry, what?”

Customer: “Those blocks; last week they were five for $10.00.”

Me: “But, ma’am, they’re only scanning for $1.38 each.”

Customer: “But that’s wrong.”

Me: “We have a larger size that was on sale last week. Is it possible you got those?”

Customer: “No, I got these and they were five for $10.”

Me: “Do you want to pay $.62 more for each block? If you want to, I guess I could change the price.”

Customer: “What?”

Me: “Five for $10 is $2.00 a piece, 62 cents more.”

Customer: “What? I guess not.”

She finishes the sale and leaves, still mumbling about something being wrong with the price.

Next Customer: “And I thought my math skills were bad. Just so you know, I don’t want to pay more than the price that scans.”

Me: “I think I can handle that all right.”

I wondered if she called the manager to complain that I was going to charge her the cheaper price. I hope she figured it out eventually.

Related:
Math Is Your Friend, Part 4
Math Is Your Friend, Part 3
Math Is Your Friend, Part 2
Math Is Your Friend

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Customer Service Can Provide Some Near-Death Experiences

, , , , , , | Right | June 15, 2020

A customer places a houseplant on the checkout counter. It is a lovely dwarf jade with purple stems and light green foliage with yellow edges. I smile and start ringing his order when the customer says:

Customer: “I don’t suppose you offer any ‘Approaching Death’ discounts?”

No one has ever asked me that before and I am not really sure what he means. At first, I’m thinking that this poor man is inflicted with some kind of fatal illness. Realizing that this is a weird discount to ask for, my next conclusion is that he is using a funny way of asking for a SENIOR discount. The man only appears to be in his late thirties so that doesn’t really seem right either.

After an awkward amount of silence and solid eye contact, I finally say:

Me: “Um… well… we do have a senior discount… if that is what you are asking.”

Now the customer looks confused, and we share another few awkward moments of silence before he bursts out laughing and points at the jade and says:

Customer: “The plant! The plant is approaching death! Not me!”

I, too, burst out laughing and explain that the purple stems and yellow edges on the plant are, in fact, natural, and that the plant is healthy.

Me: “So, unfortunately, no, we cannot offer any ‘Approaching Death’ discounts at this time.”


This story is part of our Houseplant roundup!

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Read the Houseplant roundup!


This story has been included in our June 2020 roundup as one of that month’s most memorable stories!

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A Strange Suggestion On The Power Of Suggestion  

, , , , | Right | May 10, 2020

It is the day before Mother’s Day, and since we have a flower department, we have a ton of deliveries for a lot of different orders going out over the next couple of days. One customer approaches me while I’m outside by our Adirondack chairs.

Customer: “I’d like to get two Adirondack chairs delivered to my house tomorrow morning, please.”

Me: “Well, we can get that out tomorrow, but since we have so many other orders I can’t guarantee it’ll get out in the morning; it’ll just have to go out whenever we get the chance. Is that okay?”

Customer: “Okay.”

He follows me inside and I place the order in the system for him.

Me: “All right, you’re all set. Have a good day!”

He continues to wander around the store for a bit, and I run outside to mark off the chairs he wanted for delivery. As he’s leaving the store, he passes by me again.

Customer: “When your boss is asleep tonight, whisper my name in her ear so she thinks of me and sends my chairs first thing in the morning.”

Me: *Pause* “Have a great day!” *Hurries back inside*

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Their Math Doesn’t Count For Mu(l)ch

, , , | Right | May 6, 2020

Customer: “Excuse me, how many bags of mulch do I need to cover my yard?”

Me: “Well, how big is your yard?”

Customer: “Oh, I don’t know. Big? Kind of huge-ish?”

Me: “Okay. Well, do you happen to have the area or anything? We sell mulch in cubic feet, so—”

Customer: “What? You expect me to do math?! That’s ridiculous! I don’t do any of that math crap; it’s too hard!”

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