This Child’s Legs Will Carry Them Far

, , , , , , , | Related | January 28, 2019

(I am at work when I receive a phone call from my eight-year-old daughter’s school nurse. My daughter is supposed to attend the after-school program there, but is complaining of a sore throat and a headache. I tell the nurse I will pick her up around 4:00 pm, once I’ve seen all the scheduled clients for the day. When I arrive to pick up my daughter, she is outside playing. I sign her out and we have this conversation while walking to the car.)

Me: “I thought you said your head hurt and your throat hurt?”

Daughter: “They do.”

Me: “Then why were you outside playing?”

Daughter: “Well, my legs don’t hurt.”

Men Have Been Looking For That Department Forever!

, , , , , | Right | January 15, 2019

(I am at work at a shoe store when a customer walks in. She has a very thick accent.)

Customer: “Do you have clits?”

Me: “I’m sorry, what?”

Customer: “Clits! Clits, you know, for soccer!”

Me: “OH, CLEATS! No, I’m sorry, we don’t sell those.”

Someone Has To Be The Brains Of This Operation

, , , , , , | Working | January 7, 2019

(I work for a company that hires a lot of temporary workers and always has payroll problems with them, resulting in a lot of late checks. This particular temporary worker has already had their check delayed over a month, and they’ve come to collect it now that it has finally come in. They have a very long and complicated Eastern European last name. My name is Brian.)

Employee: *sighing after finally getting their long-sought-after check* “My name is spelled wrong.”

Me: “Okay. I can send it back for you — and I’m not going to lie, it will probably take payroll even longer to get a new check issued — or you can try and cash it anyway. Considering the number of checks I have cashed with my name spelled, ‘Brain,’ you are probably going to be fine. If not, I’ll keep yelling at payroll until they get everything straightened out for you.”

(Luckily, they got a laugh out of this and, after I checked on them a few days later, everything went fine with depositing their misspelled check.)

Unfiltered Story #123460

, , , | Unfiltered | October 13, 2018

I’m making keys next to an old but wise Coworker in the aisle to my right who is helping customers when this short middle-age woman approaches me right in the middle of my keycutting.

Her: “Excuse me…”
Me: *Still making keys, hoping she’s talking to my Coworker.*
Her: “Um, excuse me…”
Me: *Turns to my right to see her, and smiles a bit, and silently motions toward the key machine and my coworker…*
Her: “Could you help me?”
Me: *Shuts off machine, silently apologizing to the people whose keys I’m making. I don’t want key slivers in anyone’s mouths.* Hi there. With?
Her: “I’m looking for caulking.”
Me: “Ah, it’s in aisle 82 on the left.” *Turns key machine back on and keeps grinding.*
Her: “Yes, thank you, I’m looking for the caulking, and I need to know which one to use for my windows.”
Me: *pauses, looking at her, and shuts off the machine again.* “Yes, um, it’s in aisle 82, in the paint department. The guy behind the paint counter desk can help you.” *Turns key machine back on.*
Her: “Maybe he would know where it is?” *Motions toward my coworker, who is quite swamped at the moment.*
Me: *Shuts off key machine again* “Erm, no, he’s busy. Ask the guy behind the paint counter. He can definitely help you, and is quite experienced with caulking.” *Turns key machine on again.*
Her: “So he would know?” *Motions toward the same Coworker to my right.*
Me: “Paint counter guy.” (Key machine still on.)
Her: *Points toward coworker, confused.*
Me: *Points in the opposite direction, toward the paint counter.* “The guy behind the counter in that direction. The Paint guy.”
Her: “…. maybe he’ll know…?” *Still talking about my poor swamped Coworker there.*
Me: “No, m’dear, not him. He’s not the paint guy. He’s busy at the moment. Turn around, and walk into the middle of the store, and look to your left. You’ll see a guy behind the counter making paint..” *Turns back to keys, and silently wills an invisibility shield around self.*
Her: *Walking to my Coworker* “Maybe you know. Where is the caulking, please.”
Coworker: *Still helping a customer, ignoring her for a bit, though he raises a “one moment” finger to her.*
Her: “Where is the caulking, please?”
Coworker: *Now done* “The associate behind the paint counter will help you. It’s his area of expertise.” *Helps another customer*
Her: *Turns around, looking like she just passed through someone, and goes back to me.* “Where is the caulking?”
Me: “Aisle 82.”
Her: “So, aisle 79?”
Me: “… … aisle 82.”
Her: “So it’s in the caulking area?”
Me: “The caulking area is in the paint area. Follow the signs, dear.”
Her: “Where’s the paint area?”
Me: *Points*
Her: “But maybe he knows?”
Me: “I’m confused now.”
Her: “Me too. Maybe he knows where it is?”
Me: “But I know where it is.”
Her: “But maybe he knows?”
Me: “Fine with me, hon.”
Her: *Asks Coworker again* “Where is caulking?”
Coworker: *Wondering why he’s still here* “It’s in the paint area. Ask the man behind the paint counter. He’ll be glad to help you.”
Her: *Turns to me* “Can you show me where the caulking is?”
Me: “After I’m done making keys. I have quite the line. Maybe it might take less time to wander off into the middle of the store to find it on your own. I can’t leave until I’m done.”
Her: “But why not?”
Me: “Because I have a line.”
Her: “Okay, goodbye. Maybe he knows?” *Points to Coworker again*
Me: “Didn’t you just ask him?”
Her: “But he didn’t know.”
Me: “So why are you asking him again? The Paint counter guy knows.”
Her: “So maybe I should just ask him, right?”
Me: “Well, I’ve told you many times, but I don’t know if it’ll help to do it again, so yes, maybe he can lead you to it.”
Her: “But I’m here now. Can’t you lead me?”
Me: “After my line is gone and I have no more customers. That’s what I’m supposed to do, anyway. If you want, you can walk over to the paint counter and ask him where it is, though I can tell you right now that it’s in aisle 82.
Her: “But I don’t know where that is!”
Me: “The paint counter or aisle 82?”
Her: “… Anything!!!”
Me: “Yeah, this store is a bit of a maze.” *Spits out a key sliver* “.. Bleh. That was awful. Go into the middle of the store, and look to the left. He’s right there.”
Her: “Where?”
Me: “The middle of the store.”
Her: “Where’s that? Maybe you know?” *Walks to my Coworker*
Me: … “Where the middle of the store is?”
My current customer: “HOLY %@#% LADY, FOLLOW.”
*Customer takes her by the arm, leads her to the caulking, and comes back.*

Me: “I love you forever.”
Customer: “I Figured as much. Have a good one.”
Me: “You too, bro.”

Having A Good Day

, , , , | Hopeless | October 2, 2018

(I am a generally shy person, but do sometimes shock with jokes. I’m at an old historical estate in New York. I am in my car driving towards the ticket collector. In the car is my twin brother and my younger brother.)

Gatekeeper: *sadly* “Hello, welcome to [Estate]. Tickets, please.”

Me: “Three tickets, right here!”

Gatekeeper: “Head to the left to park and then head left to go to the mansion, or right for a tour.”

(This guy looks generally upset and tired, so I want to make his day better.)

Gatekeeper: “Anyway, have a good day.”

Me: *pretending anger* “DON’T TELL ME HOW TO LIVE MY LIFE!”

Gatekeeper #2: “What the—”

(I speed off, but not before “dropping” a nice bonus for the sad gatekeeper.)

Twin: “What the heck! What just happened?”

(I ran into the gatekeeper on the way out. It turned out that he got the extra money I gave him, and he said it was the first thing that made him laugh. He was sad because of a family member’s funeral. The money was enough for him to have a free dinner at a local restaurant. He thanked me profusely!)

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