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Men Have Been Looking For That Department Forever!

, , , , , | Right | January 15, 2019

(I am at work at a shoe store when a customer walks in. She has a very thick accent.)

Customer: “Do you have clits?”

Me: “I’m sorry, what?”

Customer: “Clits! Clits, you know, for soccer!”

Me: “OH, CLEATS! No, I’m sorry, we don’t sell those.”

Someone Has To Be The Brains Of This Operation

, , , , , , | Working | January 7, 2019

(I work for a company that hires a lot of temporary workers and always has payroll problems with them, resulting in a lot of late checks. This particular temporary worker has already had their check delayed over a month, and they’ve come to collect it now that it has finally come in. They have a very long and complicated Eastern European last name. My name is Brian.)

Employee: *sighing after finally getting their long-sought-after check* “My name is spelled wrong.”

Me: “Okay. I can send it back for you — and I’m not going to lie, it will probably take payroll even longer to get a new check issued — or you can try and cash it anyway. Considering the number of checks I have cashed with my name spelled, ‘Brain,’ you are probably going to be fine. If not, I’ll keep yelling at payroll until they get everything straightened out for you.”

(Luckily, they got a laugh out of this and, after I checked on them a few days later, everything went fine with depositing their misspelled check.)

Having A Good Day

, , , , , | Hopeless | October 2, 2018

(I am a generally shy person, but do sometimes shock with jokes. I’m at an old historical estate in New York. I am in my car driving towards the ticket collector. In the car is my twin brother and my younger brother.)

Gatekeeper: *sadly* “Hello, welcome to [Estate]. Tickets, please.”

Me: “Three tickets, right here!”

Gatekeeper: “Head to the left to park and then head left to go to the mansion, or right for a tour.”

(This guy looks generally upset and tired, so I want to make his day better.)

Gatekeeper: “Anyway, have a good day.”

Me: *pretending anger* “DON’T TELL ME HOW TO LIVE MY LIFE!”

Gatekeeper #2: “What the—”

(I speed off, but not before “dropping” a nice bonus for the sad gatekeeper.)

Twin: “What the heck! What just happened?”

(I ran into the gatekeeper on the way out. It turned out that he got the extra money I gave him, and he said it was the first thing that made him laugh. He was sad because of a family member’s funeral. The money was enough for him to have a free dinner at a local restaurant. He thanked me profusely!)

PIN-Headed, Part 4

, , , , , , | Right | September 11, 2018

(I’m ringing up a customer and now it’s time for payment. She hands me her debit card and I slide it for her.)

Me: “Okay, you can go ahead and enter your PIN.”

Customer: *verbally tells me her PIN*

Me: “…”

Customer: “Oh…” *enters her PIN on the pinpad*

(I was left dumbfounded.)

Related:
PIN-Headed, Part 3
PIN-Headed, Part 2
PIN-Headed

You Have Received A Collect-Call From Heaven

, , , , , | Working | August 27, 2018

(I work in a store that sells religious goods. We also sell wholesale to churches and other religious institutions. My coworker handles many of these accounts. We all answer the phones, and callers often ask to speak to [Coworker].)

Me: “[Coworker], Christ the King is on the phone

Coworker: “…”

Me: “Well, not Him personally.”